It has been a while since last time I cried. I had noticed that my heart became hard like stone. Swallow and chew as it come and get to the bottom of it if I could. There is no vocabulary of tears anymore. But tonite s I sat down to meet HIM and talk to HIM, those precious tears flows like a pipe. To HIM I ask for help for me to go on in life. Sometimes too much to bare that mentally and spiritually I failed to deal. Imperfect human being I am. Added to the moment of upside down hormone fluctuation and my head feels like bursting up in the air. A horrible feeling and it is really uncontrollable. I just cant learn to control the anger during this time. The whole system is taken over by the hormone and it is just so depressing.
I have not been writing in this space for almost 6 months. Much thots came to my mind off late and I am saying to myself, it is time to continue writing here again. Perhaps this would capture a deeper thots transferring from space of mind to this space as mean to deposit.
It have been a rather up and down rides in life. But Alhamdullilah, Allah had provided me with all the strength to continue life in various perspective. Waking up at this hour after a rather earlier sleep to compensate with tired body, had put me back on to write on this space. Honestly I had not been writing much offlate. A good and not so good side of it.
The treasure of the moment really have loads of impact on my life. I had let go of the bitter past and adored the sweet memories. That is one accomplishment indeed. However, some thought lingering in my mind about the future and its plan... I have those plans and looking at future not to far down the road as I believe we can only plan for future and we have no clue how it will turn out. Allah would have a better plan for us beyond our knowing. I must confess, at time I was obsessed with the future retirement plan. And I realise there is some part of life that I need to go through first and get it done with. I had not been able to efficiently sort it out within my priority of life as yet. It fall within top priority but it never get to the highest attention in the list. Mind programming is what I needed and a guidance from HIM is what I am needed.
This space will need to be fill-up again. I do not mind what crazy, stressful thot it might deposit. I would rather let it deposits.
I realise offlate, I started to loose a bit of memory. Mine is not as sharp as before...
I wish to live this life with full guidance from HIM and may HE make it easy for me to go through it.
I am a bit clueless with what to do things... i.e. with my lil man. I called my old nanny who took care of lil man from small till 5 years old. Thinking that she would be able to come here for a while to help us with lil man. The moment I asked her about how she is doing...I don't have a gut to ask her to be here. I don't think she would do that since she is buzy taking care of her grand children.
I am clueless again. Wouldn't know what and how to move ahead.
For now, yes I remain clueless. I am hurt and sad too... but I never want to let it ruin my life either. So I have to stay calm and compose.
Being away in a faraway land for almost a week, I came back to get a news that she has gone to meet the creator.
During my early days as a blogger, I always ensure that I remain as anon. And she was the first blogger I met in person in December 2006 at the time when I was extremely fragile and falling apart. Meeting her at The Chinois in KLCC was really a memorable one. To me, she is just like a sister I am searching for as a role model in life. She is so vibrant, lovely, full of energy and life... Our get together for a couple of hours was really a memory i never forget. Before saying goodbye to each other, I can see from her eyes that there was something she wanted to tell me..but it never came out from her. It kept me wonder for a while with my wild guessing.
We wanted to see each other again, but it never happen...we continued in blog world and cyberspace...and keep on asking each other when to have a cuppa again...
Now, she has gone back to where all of us shall be back. Just that her time has come earlier than all of us.
To my dearest Kak Ruby, may your soul rest in peace and we will miss you much..
Something I have to bear in life...the feeling of sudden unplug of power supply...
What is Fibromyalgia? Fibromyalgia produces widespread pain, disturbed sleep, and exhaustion from head to toe. Fibromyalgia means pain in the muscles, ligaments, and tendons—the soft fibrous tissues of the body. Although the muscles hurt everywhere, they are not the only cause of the pain. Instead, the diffuse, body-wide symptoms are greatly magnified by malfunctions in the way the nervous system processes pain.
Regional muscle pain not related to arthritis or the nervous system also occurs in the majority of people with fibromyalgia. Patients describe this as firm knots in the belly of muscles, often causing restricted movement and radiating pain. These muscle nodules are myofascial trigger points and some researchers suspect that these painful areas overlap with the tender points used to diagnose fibromyalgia.
The symptoms of fibromyalgia are unpredictable and most patients are frustrated by their physical limitations and inability to make plans. You may feel as though you have to "push yourself" to get things done.
Most patients with fibromyalgia say that their muscles feel like they have been pulled or overworked, and sometimes they twitch or cramp. Even the skin may feel badly sunburned. To help your family and friends relate to your fibromyalgia symptoms, have them think back to the last time they had a bad flu. Every muscle in their body shouted out in pain. In addition, they felt devoid of energy as though someone had unplugged their power supply.
Given that the symptoms may be similar to a viral flu, experts in the field of fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue syndrome believe that these two illnesses may be one and the same. Gulf War syndrome also overlaps with these two conditions.
Pain - Fibromyalgia pain has no boundaries. People describe the pain as deep muscular aching, throbbing, shooting, stabbing, or intense burning. Quite often, the pain and stiffness are worse in the morning, and muscle groups that are used repetitively may hurt more. In addition, the severity of regional pains (particularly those in the head, neck, shoulders and lower back) are a strong predictor of a person's overall pain rating. The muscles in these painful areas can feel tight, knotted and rope-like. Pressing on the firm, knotted region hurts and often causes the pain to shoot to other muscles when a myofascial trigger point is present.
Fatigue - This symptom can be one of the most incapacitating for people with fibromyalgia. Patients may feel as though their arms and legs are weighted down by concrete blocks and their bodies may be so drained of energy that every task is an effort.
Memory and Concentration - Difficulty concentrating and retaining new information may seriously interfere with everyday mental tasks. This symptom is referred to as "fibro fog" and may hinder job opportunities. In particular, fibromyalgia patients have serious difficulty retaining new information if they are distracted.
Sleep Disorders - Patients report trouble falling asleep and more importantly staying asleep, but the unrefreshing quality is what makes the disorder much worse than insomnia. Repeat arousals prevent patients from reaching deep, restorative sleep. As a result, the night is spent in "quasi-sleep" and patients wake up feeling as though they have been run over by a Mack truck. An overnight sleep study will likely show repeat arousals with bursts of awake-like brain activity occurring throughout the night, but a specific sleep disorder may not be identified.
Exercise Difficulties - Moderate intensity exercise activates a powerful pain-relieving system in healthy people, but it makes the pain of fibromyalgia worse. This is why initiating an exercise program may make you achy and tired. However, if you do not exercise on a regular basis, the performance of normal daily living activities will start to cause more pain. Rather than give in to the increased pain sensitivity related to exercise, patients are advised to do mild exercise in short intervals (such as five minutes at a time) to keep the muscles fit while not over-taxing them. A study in Sweden revealed that half of the fibromyalgia patients found it impossible or difficult to climb stairs and a majority of patients could not run. Just standing for five minutes was extremely taxing to one-fourth of the patients.
Irritable Bowel Syndrome - Constipation, diarrhea, frequent abdominal pain and bloating, abdominal gas, and nausea represent symptoms commonly found in roughly 40 to 70 percent of fibromyalgia patients.
Chronic Headaches - Recurrent migraine or tension headaches are experienced by 50 to 70 percent of fibromyalgia patients. Most headaches are rated as severe, occur at least two times per week, and often have a migraine component. Referred pain from myofascial trigger points in the shoulder, neck, and head muscles are suspected to be responsible for most tension-type headache and also play a role in migraines.
Jaw Pain - Temporomandibular joint dysfunction causes tremendous jaw-related face and head pain and affects one-quarter of fibromyalgia patients. Typically, the problems are related to the muscles and ligaments surrounding the jaw joint and not necessarily the joint itself.
Other Common Symptoms - Non-cardiac chest pain, acid reflux, irregular heart beat or palpitations, shortness of breath, numbness and tingling sensations, the feeling of swollen extremities, chemical sensitivities, nasal congestion, premenstrual syndrome and painful periods, irritable bladder, interstitial cystitis, vulvodynia (vulvar pain), difficulty focusing eyes, dry or burning eyes and mouth, dizziness or feeling faint, profuse sweating, muscle weakness and balance issues can occur. Fibromyalgia patients are often sensitive to odors, loud noises, bright lights, some foods, and often the medications that they are prescribed.
Aggravating Factors - Changes in weather, cold or drafty environments, hormonal fluctuations (premenstrual and menopausal states), stress, depression, anxiety, and over-exertion can all contribute to fibromyalgia symptom flare-ups.
last saturday our officemate left this world to meet our creator. after almost 2 years suffering from esofagus cancer and at age of 53. inallillah...semuga rohnya ditempatkan bersame orang2 yang beriman. life is short. anggerik feb 16 2010
Life has been on the fast and unpredictable plan again. I guess that is what we call life is a journey. After coming back from Beijing, I had to bear with swollen joints and painful muscle. It was really unbearable. The whole body was so painful. I tried to ignore and fight. My movement is very limited. Obviously It didn’t help just to ignore and fight. I decided to swallow Celebrex for 3 nights in a row. The swollen fingers reduced and the pain lessens. However, I noticed some other side effect of the chemical which can be very deteriorating. I have trouble breathing as if I had asthmatic attack. Chest pain is unbearable. And I stopped relying on the chemical.
At the same time, ayah had to undergo minor surgery for “pastula” to get him prepared for dialysis. I knew mak wished me to be there. I booked a flight for 2 days back to home town to attend to my family for moral support. I was so extremely tired but the fight and the push was there for me to stay up on my feet ignoring my body pain. With 2 days unplanned/emergency leave; I ended up entertaining my official email and making arrangement for meeting etc while I was at the hospital waiting for ayah’s surgery. Not only that I had to take care of office phone call. Life must go on….
Spending 2 days at my hometown really a blessing.. I felt time just went so very slow and very relaxing. A moment with immediate family members having breakfast together was really a treasure for me. Flying back to KL and up on my feet with work demand, put me back on busy life. I had almost forgotten the pain…or in fact I ignore it. In fact it is still there. During weekend, I went for massage hoping that the pain will subside. It was subsiding for a while and came back to haunt me. The best part of last weekend was a birthday celebration of my big man at Kunang-kunang restaurant. We were there till mid-night to enjoy the life band and let the time pass.
So many things in my mind..About change of work place/career path, family, life commitment… all come at the same time.. I swallow and move on…and pray for the best… Perhaps more smiling would helps to balance the stress on life journey…
I was in Beijing for almost a week. Obviously for business trip. Mission accomplished. Was glad to meet some of my Chinese colleagues whom I met many times in the past. Apart from business visit, he had sometime to have a quick look at Tiananmen square and the front gate of Forbidden City in the midst of Beijing cold weather. Tiananmen Square
The weather in Beijing was extremely cold. Ranges from -5 to -16 degree C. I had forgotten about cold weather for a while. Before leaving for Beijing, I had trained my mind not to think about it. Being a fibromyalgia sufferer, I know the weather change will hit me. Yes, I managed to get through it until I arrived home. Then I had to deal with intense pains of my joint and muscle mainly my fingers and feet. I felt almost cripple as I had difficulty to do things, to walk etc. Finally, I had to take the medicine to help me reduce the inflammation and pain. There goes my weekend…and the experience of my first trip of the year.
Will be back for holiday with family during summer.