Saturday, December 31, 2005

Auld Lang Syne by Robert Burns

Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
and never brought to mind?
Should auld acquaintance be forgot
and days of auld lang syne?

For auld lang syne, my dear,
For auld lang syne,
We'll take a cup o' kindness yet
For auld lang syne

We twa hae run aboot the braes
And pou'd the gowans fine;
we've wander'd mony a weary foot
Sin' auld lang syne

We two hae paidled i' the burn,
Frae mornin' sun till dine;
But seas between us braid hae roar'd
Sin' auld lang syne

And here's a hand, my trusty friend,
And gie's a hand o' thine;
We'll take a cup o' kindness yet
For auld lang syne

Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
and never brought to mind?
Should auld acquaintance be forgot
and days of auld lang syne?

For auld lang syne, my dear,
For auld lang syne,
We'll take a cup o' kindness yet
For auld lang syne

Thursday, December 29, 2005

The future not ours to see..

4 months i had been in this blogging world. many many incredible and loveable friends, kakak, adik, anak, makcik, pakcik i met and i know.

Loads of experience i learnt and re-learnt. Life stories shared and being shared.

I am glad to be here. I finally found the beginning of what I am looking for. The journey begin...

Blogging world has become part of me which is difficult to let go...and i will never never let go..but I thought that I need to be alone for a little while for whatever reasons...

As the future is not ours to see..

This is what I will continue to do, to find and to be...

To complete my study no matter what it takes..

To continue to have that natural smile on my face and a lot of laugh. Knowing what is important in my life and pick it up, leave behind the bitter past, focus on my strength, being me and lots of love and finally move on with life….

Most important is to be healthier, happier, live in harmony and to have peaceful mind (ketenangan)..

Semuga Allah makbulkan...Amin

When the future hinges on the next words that are said, don't let logic interfere,
believe your heart instead..
Philip Robinson
My special wishes to everyone: happy new year and may Allah protect you & your family, bless you with good health, happy life and prosperity.
With love,
Anggerik Merah

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

Age difference and holidays

Weekend, Christmas and boxing day was full house which bring warm and joy to my house.

3 Children of Aunty F and uncle O were here for vacation. The eldest (24, male), the fourth (17, female) and the fifth (12, male). Aunty and uncle have 6 childrens, but the third one passed away last year due to Leukimia.

The late girl left the world a week before her SPM results came out. She had 9A1. Everyone was amased with her courage despite of battling for Leukimia she continued with her trial exam in the hospital and had a chance taking the SPM in school when she felt a bit better. Her leukimia was only known after she fainted in school just about a year before she passed away. I was told that she was a very active girl and she wanted to be a doctor just like her father and also her eldest brother (studying medicine in UK).

During this few days that F1, F3 and F5 were here, we went to several interesting places such as Dungeon, walk along the main street and went into The Royal Yacht Britannia. Also some picturistique places far from the town center.

Inside Britannia, everyone was excited about display of several "keris" as present to Her Majesty. My little one spotted this at first as he always went quickly ahead of the tour and turned back to tell us what was really exciting in front there. Yes, this 9 year old boy could not be patience enough to slowly follow through the tour route. He either went quickly or went to the opposite direction.

In the Dungeon show, all 5 of us holding hand together as we strolled into the dungeon area. It was quite a scary place but not that scary to me. I was holding the hand of my little one and also the girl. Both hands were cold like ice. Overall we had enjoyable time in the Dungeon show. After the show, all of us were hungry. We ordered 4 different types of pizza and ate together.

The warm and joyous part was when these children of difference age (9, 12, 17 and 24) gathered around and played games Harry Potter Scene it the DVD games. All of them were so excited and a lot of laughed and giggling, name it.. I was watching them playing..and observing how they tolerated in the games due to age different. The little one was the most excited player! And the sequence followed based on ascending order of age.

Another best part was during breakfast, lunch and dinner at home as all of us gathered and eat together like a big family. So, for once I had around me a big family of my anak2 and adik. I can see my little boy really enjoyed having kakak and abangs around him as well.

That is our weekend and holidays..

Friday, December 23, 2005

Why stress????

Me letting out my stress in the blog………..

Need to finish thesis and submit first draft by March 2006. Two more months. Still some exp to be run, yet some part of equipment has not shown up…tired of chasing after it…sigh….

Came to office, no piece of mind during day time. Become cluster phobia. The new student is just so annoying. Make so much noise. Need to be alone at this time…quiet…and spread out all my material every where. on the floor.on the table as I wish…be like that for many-many months until get done.

I am a night person when it come to writing and reading. Office too cold at night. No heating. Cannot stand during this cold weather. Need to be sure not to get sick because of weather.

Do at home…ok..but all my papers are here in the office and still need to check on exp.

My wish: I could build shell around me in the office. Ignoring people around me and focus on my writing and reading. Pretending nobody around me. Me fighting with myself and struggling with myself but no one else. The aims is to complete those chapters with good story!!

My wish: from now on…always ask what is it for me?…reduce charity work! Just like my dear twin sister when she was doing hers. I have to learn to be like her right now. A bit selfish…and think about myself first before others. After all that is my mission! Nobody else cares if I accomplish mine or not here in this group. Yes nobody really cares except several who always there for me, giving me the go-go and also my inner voice which always up and down.

Whatelse? At home..

My little man waiting for me to come early every nite, to sleep with him..I did come most of the time. We could spare some precious time together. Me tickle him and hug him and kiss him like a baby..

My little man…many times protesting for not wanting to go back to Msia. Everytime, I remind him of the time will come when he has to leave, both of his eyes flooded with tears. I can’t show him how sad I am to see him like that but I have to tell him why he has to go back and why I have to stay here for a while. I will make sure that I will hold my tears and keep my smile when the time to say good bye to him at the airport in a month time. Just like the mother of 4 childrens in Narnia film at the train station scene.

At home, I have to do and initiate everything. A longgggggggg lists and sometimes I don’t feel like thinking or doing it. Another round of packing things to send back, things to be left with me. Bills to pay. House to decide to let go or keep. Sorting out where do I stay during this period. The student welfare office told me that I might not be able to get a room in campus. What I need is a room, a little kitchen. That is all. Some of my friends offered to stay with them, but I have not decided because of many reasons to be considered. To get a cheap house for short term will be very difficult. But I will try.

My wish: I could stay in my current rented house. With my bed and table. I had advertised if any female muslim would share with me but no response so far (hope this will work-out). Too expensive for me to pay on my own and stay alone (£600/month). Most of the time I will not be at home. What a waste…

What else????...........don’t want to talk about xxxx…ohhhh how I wish I have a soulmate especially at this moment of time….just in my wishes dream!

enough-enough!!!!! Take one at a time…..Arghhhhh…. feel much better to let the stress-out.

Thursday, December 22, 2005

Life goes on

For almost 2 years Allah had tested me with some unhealthy state of my body.

I had gradually lost my taste and smell sense….It was very weird that I cannot even smell strong perfume that I used everyday. All smell was just like natural gas which I was exposed day by day. Everything is tasteless to me…Dr said I had hayfever and sinusitis…I kept going on and on… It took me quite a while to figure out that it smell natural gas. That was after I went to Amsterdam for a couple days. Every morning, the smell of bread was exactly natural gas. All food smells the same to me. No differentiation. Very lucky after almost one year suffering of total lost of smell and taste, it slowly comes back after avoiding in direct contact of gases and chemicals.

It takes 1 year to get appointment to see specialist!! That is normal here especially when there is no obvious sign that the disease could lead to fatality. Not like in our country, we could see specialist and rule out all the possibilities within short period of time.

The centre of my skull was also curved in, but no pain. But I did lost memory though. A lot of things I could not remember. Complained to GP. Skull x-ray was made. Yes there is curve in part of my skull. Dr said that it could be due to stress and my two part of skull may not fuse together after reaching 20 years old. I stressed that I never noticed all my life that I had such dent on my head. Only recently it is there. The GP said, nothing much can be done and it should go back to normal after I complete my study. Explanation which I could not accept.

Went back to Msia with all medical records and set appointment to see specialist. CT scan was made. Alhamdulillah there is no sign of the dented skull caused damage to internal part of the brain. A bit release to know that. But the specialist asked me to observe any weird symptoms. That is the current state of my skull. I could not identify any weird symptoms as I could manage whatever pain well so far.

My experience with lost smell and taste, according to the specialist it is not common problem. He had encountered 3 similar cases in USA long time ago with American. That time it was thought that some unidentified virus was the caused of it. He said I am lucky because I got back the sense. These patients lost it forever.

Despite of all this, I am thankful that I don’t have to face more difficult disease like some others. This is more than enough to make me realise how important health is and how important every part of our body. Never before that have I paid much attention about health. It makes me realise that as we get older, our body is not as strong as we used to be. There is a limit to it. Life goes on….and I pray to Allah to bless me with good health in the coming year..

Do you have yours to share??

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Precious gift...part 2

The due date had come, so I was forced to go thru induce way. Every time I was induced in the labour room, my other half will break into tears seeing me stop breathing. It felt as if he would see that my life will be taken away by Him at that instant. I thot that it was normal for me to have that pain but not sure about stop breathing. But I knew that he cud not see me suffer like that.

After a whole day in the labour room and nothing much happened and progressed, I was sent back to my private room. That night, one of the nurses came and advised me to follow doctor’s suggestion as the baby appeared to be weaker. I asked the opinion of my other half and my mom..but no one would said anything. Everyone asked me to make a decision on my own.

Although I had mentally prepared myself to go thru this but still not convience that this should be the way. That nite I cud hardly sleep thinking about what shud I decide. Finally when dr came to see me in the morning, and I told him..”ok doctor..lets go for ceasarean”. The doctor kind of laugh at me and asking if I was afraid to proceed with inducing baby. I told him that I thot about it the whole nite, and I do not want to take risk of losing the baby..Then ceasarian took placed in the evening of the same day.

Before I was rolled into the OT, everyone cried as if they never see me again. I stayed strong and left everything in HIS hand. What most important was the baby to come out safe in this world since he make a big different in our life. My other half was in the OT together with me since we had earlier discussed about the procedure and all the detail. It just took about 20 minutes for the doctor and his team to cut my stomach (which if I saw it with my own eyes on the other side, I might run away). But it was nonsense since I was made to feel numb from my waist down.

The OT was like a car workshop which I can hear radio and the Dr and his team was talking and giggling to each other while cutting my stomach. Came across my mind…”oooo….depa ingat I am a dead body ke…tak concentrate on what they were doing!!!, nanti silap potong… naya..” The best thing was that the anesthetist who numbed half of my body earlier, came to me several time to explain what the doctor will do next and what I shud feel. He always gave me a thumb up for encouragement..

BTW, a small curtain was laid on my chest so that I would not see the cutting activities on the other side..If I saw it I cud pengsan many times… When the baby was about to be pulled out from my tummy, the radio was turn off and everyone was quiet. And the doctor said…”luckily you had agreed to do this, the umbilical cord tangled into his neck and he already berak..”. The nurse rushed my baby to the other room as the baby did not make any sound. My other half followed him and left me with the doctor and his team to finish me off with vacuum and sewing back layers of my stomach.

This precious baby of us brings a lot of joy in our life. Both of us gave him full attention and love that a baby cud have. Was lucky because I had a maid who I can 100% rely on in the midth of my busy life as a career woman cum mama to my little one. As the boy grown up, I can see that my other half really pampered the boy…and I was the one who has to be the “garang” one whenever the boy was not properly behaved. Sometimes both of us quarreled over differences in discipline the boy. No matter what, the boy always brings both of our hand together whenever the differences in both of us existed.

Now he is already 9 years old. He is no more a little baby boy but he act as if he is a big man already. I could ask his opinion on many things because sometimes his idea is like a grown up man. Both of us are together for almost 3 years, the time that I felt I had more time to be with him as compared to when I was with very hectic life in KL. Soon we will be parted for a while. It make me feel very very sad inside but I will not show him because I don’t want him to feel sad to leave me here..

Sunday, December 18, 2005

Precious gift...part 1

Was under pressure, been married for some years but not being blessed with any children. In general in our society woman to be blame for this especially a career women who travel all the time.

Finally, my other half and I gave up all effort/treatments and accepted the fact that kalau ada pun kami terima kalau tak ada pun tak apa. He didn’t accept my proposed idea of adopted child.

Allah punya kuasa, when my other half’s brother had his first baby also first cucu in his family, things has changed for my other half. I saw different him. He treated the baby more like his own. He bought a lot of things that the baby needed just for his nephew. I just watched from distance as I had my sad feeling wrt his response earlier.

He kind of a bit accepted on the idea of adopting a child. My cousin told me that there was a twin born in Kelantan from poor family. They wanted to give away one of the babies. I had more or less said to my cousin to arrange for us for adoption.

Not long after that, a miracle happen in our life…I was confirmed pregnant never that we knew when it happened…It was only triggered when I thought something wrong with me…maybe being hit by some kind of diseases right after raya back in 1995..

A mixed feeling for both of us…happy and sad and confused and donno what to expect when finally doctors scanned my tummy to see the living creature there. Again I believed itu semua dugaan that Allah had given us walaupun kadang2 I am still lalai terhadapNya.

When I saw all my photos during my pregnancy, it was like a different me all together. My face was a bit montel, one kind of natural glowing face and that was the time when my weight goes to maximum to carry the heavy luggage within me. Luckily it went to the right place where it was needed.

The first trimester, I had to let my doctor inject my but every 2 weeks to ensure the baby was safe to avoid from any miscarriage, although I never recall I had any miscarriage. I was so much pampered by my other half and others in the family..Our love grooming while we were waiting for the little one to arrive. Not only us, but everyone in the family especially my side..the first cucu…That time I was treated like a princess. Emm… how lucky I felt..of course never that I took advantage of the situation.

At 8 months of pregnancy, the doctor told us that he suggested for caesarian for the reason that it was the safest way to let the baby out since this baby was so precious. We didn’t agree because it was not based on medical reasons at all. We decided to go thru the normal way when the time comes. And if complication arrived then we would opts for his suggestion.

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

A note from friend

Received christmas card from my friend 'H' who were studied PhD and worked here. We considered ourself as twin sister because both of us are physically the same size. The different is She's a chinese from China and I m Malay. She was the second last girl leaving this group before I was left alone to be among the gentleman. Of course I have no problem with all gentleman. Just that I could not share my uncontrolable emotion during PMS with the man becoz they don't feel it!

'H' once expressed interest in Islam and she admitted that she has no religion and still learning to see which one that suit her. My friend and I brought her to central mosque and gave her copies of AlQuran translation and some useful pamplets about Islam. We brought her to several Islamic exhibitions.

'H' and I became very close friend after she had completed her PhD. Before that she just was in her own isolated world. Did not mix around so much and look very stressful. We had been very close together for the last 1 year of her stay here. A lot that we shared and emotionally supported each other at time when we needed to have a shoulder to cry on. We were separated after she got a job offer somewhere else. But everytime each of us think about each other, at that instant one of us would pick up the phone and we talked about many things through phone for hours.. Our friendship remain forever..

To most of colleague here, 'H' is a very serious lady and has her own stuborn way... After we became friend, I understand her character more and she could express a lot what was going on in her thot.

She wrote this in the card she sent me several weeks ago which I placed next to my PC and read it at time when the tough get tougher and when I feel like having someone in front of me holding my hand and look at me through my eyes....

Dear AM,

I always want to say thank you
Thank you for the most precious friendship
It makes the winter warmer
It makes the hard study life interesting
You let me know that sharing can be so enjoyable
Caring can be so touching
I sincerely wish you all the best in the new year
A big hug to you

From 'H'

Monday, December 12, 2005

About me...

Your Inner Child Is Surprised
You see many things through the eyes of a child.Meaning, you're rarely cynical or jaded.You cherish all of the details in life.Easily fascinated, you enjoy experiencing new things.
How Is Your Inner Child?

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

Good bye Jim

See... I can't get away from not having my entry..and blog hop.. Less than a day I come back. RB, DITH, QOTH, Kak Teh...I am back!
Many time need to borrow rotan from AuntyYan...suruh pi buat kerja..write paper etc etc..but being in the blogging world is so much interesting...which is difficult to resist! Here is my story for today..
Jim is an old man aged 60 something. Despite of age he is full of energy. He is a witty, easy to get along and very positive man. He is a man who always make me laugh and we always play hide and seek in the lab. Sometimes we just behave like kids and makes a lot of jokes. His presence turn my mundane and boring life more joyvial and interesting. At time when I see him depressed I make him laugh and he willingly talk to me what is it that bothering him.
One day, it caught me by surprised that someone in the lab told me that he is suffering from brain tumor. Had operation in the past but now it come again. Ever since I knew he had that problem, the more that I will not allow him to feel depressed and the more I make jokes (although I am quite a serious persons before and no idea of making good jokes that can make people laugh) and play around in the lab just to make him forget about his suffering.
One day, when friend and I were talking abt my hubby being hospitalised due to some health problem, then he opened up to me 'not to take things for granted when it come to health matter'. He told me about his fighting with brain tumor. I listened to him and pretended that I did not know his story. Since that day, everytime we met I will slot in the question of how he felt now with new medication etc..and gave him encouragement that it will be ok...and he will get better and better.
An hour ago, we say goodbye to him because he is retiring from this place and will make a move to France to leave peacefully and do some part time work there.
Knowing him for more almost 3 years, it is kind of hard to say goodbye. The three of us (Jim, his wife and I) took picture. I told him to find me in Malaysia if he is there. He then gave me his card with picture of his house in France. Nice house surrounded by many green environment, huge swimming pool. His wife explained to me further about the shape of the house and the surrounding.
We continued with the last jokes and before he walked away from lab, I said to him..please give me a big hug will ya! He turned back and gave me a really big hug in front of everyone and said ' you take a good care of yourself, AM'. I replied 'you too.. Jim and all the best to you'.
Goodbye Jim and hope to see you again!

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

A break

The year will be ended soon and the new year will come...

Look back what had happened through this year. A journey without turning back..

Thot of a break for while perhaps from blogging world! Will see if I can make do without blogging.

Have a nice day!

Monday, December 05, 2005

Sephia..mystery of life

A year ago, a telenovella
Lost pieces of puzzle
Mystery of life

Trigger mind
Urge and desire to move on
Finding the lost and empty heart
Searching for reality
Live life to the fullest

This moment
Find the lost pieces
Place together
Build puzzle
Key to mystery of life

Dec 05, 2005 12:11 AM

Saturday, December 03, 2005

Weekdays affair

4:05 am. My mind could not stop recalling what happened during the week days. In the midth of dealing with my monthly cycle, I did struggle to prepare for my presentation with only maybe 1/3 of my brain function. Dragging my body and my butt to the chair and let my thought flow thru my brain how to explain the results. Of course I know a lot that I donno know. Yes, you are right, the more I dig out the more I don't understand and the more stupid I felt.

Wednesday morning waiting anxiously for my fellow colleague from my company to arrive. Finally I saw both of them dragging their bag and walk through the door of the building where we will have meeting with several Professors to talk about research activities relevent to our company. These two gentleman I met early this year during my business + pleasure trip back in Malaysia. "F" is a technical man while "W" is a team leader/Project Manager. Both characters fit into their respective responsibility.

Surprised to see them just with their blazer without any warm jacket, they told me that they would be ok because most of the time they will be in the building. I smiled. Now is winter time and you need to really keep yourself warm. They told me that it is too bulky to carry winter coat.

We proceeded with meeting Prof. A. Enjoyed having to spend about 1 hour to tap his view on the his research area. Then proceeded to meet Prof. K and his Team. Spend many hours with them and lunch together. A lot that I learnt from them.

That night, I brought both F and W to my house for Nasi Ayam since they prefered to have Malay cousine rather than western. They enjoyed eating as if if they did not eat for several days. Before dinner, the three of us talk about many things..about the company happening, about children education and behaviour etc etc.. More of ice breaking session. I really felt comfortable with both of them. Of course being the Tuan Rumah, I talked a lot than them while they adapting to understand what kind of life I go through here. F is more talkative, more open and full of face expression, but W look a bit serious, mature, observant, careful about what he want to say and have a very calm face. F is a person that I could easily make jokes with but with W, I have to know how to provoke him to make him give his sweet smile!

We had to call off the day because tomorrow will be a long day for me with my presentation to them and also 7 others rep from different sponsored companies . I called taxi to pick them up from my house but no avail. So I decided to drive them to their hotel and also took them to buy train ticket for their next journey.

I came back to office that nite thot that of going through my presentation, but I was too exhausted. Packed my things and went home to sleep. Woke up in the morning. Dressed myself in a profesional look rather than my usual faded jeans and "selekeh" look. Went to office early and looked at my material again.

Both F and W came to office to leave their luggage and we proceed to join others at the conference room. During lunch I told them that all this people who came to this meeting are the head of technical area in their companies. They have to deal with this problem everyday. A lot that we could learn from them while we are not yet have to face this problem in our country. But the time will come for us soon.

My presenttaion was in the afternoon. It went very well despite of me forgotting about the correct name of the pheneomena that we want to propose for further study. Somehow the name was erased from my brain. The effect of monthly cycle? The good thing was that what I had presented really draw attention to the sponsors and they agreed to allow us to further explore this area which means tons of hard work for me. But they recognised the difficulty...Well, that is what PhD is all about..challenging yr brain, creativity and having lots of luck around.

After the meeting finished, I took my colleagues to the lab and explaining about the facilities that we used for the study. We had a great time in the lab..

I drove them back to town for dinner. It took quite a while to reach town due to heavy traffic. I realised that a lot they wanted to know about I did talk a lot while driving. One of the question was have I ever feel giving up my study. I said maybe 100 times I thot about it especially when I am very exhausted and could not find my way out. But as I get back my energy...I go on endlessly..the cycle goes on and on..I shared with them what had triggered me to go through this..and both of them appeared to be speechless.

At dinner table, I realised I shared a lot about my experience in the company and what contribution I had done which I felt that that was the peak of my career in the company. Always money is not the driving factor but to see things grow and happen gave me great satisfaction internally at that time. I always provoked W to get his view if what I did in the company was right. I knew that he is very mature man although he is not that many years older than me. But I noticed that he did not talk much about it but most of the time so much observed what I was saying. He said for him, he just did whatever that he was asked to do something like just go with the flow. Emmmm...thinking in my no wonder you have such a calm face and I love to see the smile on his face! I told him that I wish I could be like him I mean in term of going with the flow in the company.. However, recognising that everyone has different personality and character...we lead our life as we choose to be..

We parted at the train station and I told both of them that I enjoyed having them here for two days and want both of them to come back in 6 months time for the next meeting. Hope that what they learnt during these two days are valuable and they got what they expected out of the investment on this project. W said to me mission accomplished!

Friday, December 02, 2005

My weekend... Mencintaimu

Saturday....meeting with Powergen and Team members on the project...i.e. dry run presentation. I had to cover 3 topics...My parts was about 3 hours cum discusssion of more idea for future work. Everyone skip lunch.

Right after that went back home and had late lunch followed by landing and close eyes. The alarm clock woke me up with confused time..not sure if it was 7 am or pm...confirmed 7 pm. Had dinner and continued sleeeeppp..

Sunday morning...finally the end of PMS.........feel much better. Went back to office and stayed until nite. Half of the time do work and the other half day dreaming and pondering and blog hopping.

Joined the raya gathering for a while...still dok raya tak habis-habis lagi . Most families left home already. Only adik2 junior still bertengek sambil karaoke. Dengar semua macam tak cukup battery aje nyanyi. Ada yang makan banyak sangat sampai terlalu kenyang and ada yang baru baik demam.

After makan, teringin nak menyanyi selagu...of course the song that I familiar with the lyrics as there was no screen for lyrics.. Mengingatkan kembali request adik2 junior kat office Msia last July dulu suruh nyayi lagu MENCINTAIMU by Kriss D, so I selected this song since now I knew the lyrics and the song better than before....

Emmm... not bad for bakat terpendam ...Adik2 semua terdiam and terpegun (that was the reaction that I saw..), dengar depa dok kata tak sangka kakak nie pandai nyanyi, suara macam Kriss D lah... Dalam hati aku betul ke? Agaknya mic tu yang amplify suara bagi jadi sedap...

Adik2 tu pun masing2 berjiwang2lah dengar aku nyanyi...muka toye aje masing2...nak tergelak pulak tengok muka semua.. Aku biasalah kalau nyanyi penuh perasaan...dengan mimik muka all complete....anyway I like the song and I always like Kriss Dayanti's and Melly Goslow.. Their voice is so powerful and very nice to hear...

After that another simple and easy song which I can still remember..Rindu Bayangan by JJ....nie lagu masa kecik2 dulu lah sebab tu can remember the lyric. After nyanyi, happy pulak rasa because boleh release tension lah tu....dapat melalak instead of crying..

Je vous presente:

to those who love this song..

Seumur hidupku
Setia menanti
Walau di hati saja...
Seluruh hidupku
Kau tetap milikku
Hanya satu yang tak mungkin kembali
Hanya satu yang tak pernah terjadi
Teramat berarti di hatiku
Seumur hidupku
Kau tetap milikku
Reff 2x

Saturday, November 26, 2005

Snow falling...

It was snowing yesterday morning, sooo nice, beautiful and pleasant.....

Everywhere is white....

View in front of my house and from my bedroom window while snowing is falling down from the sky.

Quite early to get snow this year as compared to previous years...maybe because this is the last year for me to be here..

One good point is that my body had adjusted to cold winter much better than previous years..or maybe I am getting better in preparing myself for cold weather...

Sometimes the thought come into my mind to think if it is really a psychological adjustment or is it just physical adjustment...

Thursday, November 24, 2005

PMS........ohhhhh nooooo..

It is just in time when I need all my strength, energy, concentration to focus on what i need to do...and I have to deal with PMS Syndrome. Sometimes I m good at managing it but off late and most of the time I just feel that a lot of sleep, do nothing despite of urgency, drifting and wasting time has been the prefered choice...

The worst part is could not be bother of anything around me...Get so annoyed if people pushing me for the things that I know I need to do it but feel not in the frame of mind to do at that moment.

It is always...i stress again ALWAYS fall at the time when I need my best from me (i.e. presenting my work in the meeting attended by the gurus and those experience in the field)...and I always being seen make a fool of myself.......arghhhhhhhhhhhhhh....

I wish to change my cycle so that it does not fall during this time....Please, fellow doctors out there, help me to change my cycle...boleh ka? What to take??

Today is the worst day in a week so far on top of receiving not so good news......I hate it and at this moment I feel like to abondon what I am doing and just go back...what a loser!!!

Radio keep on announcing there will be a snow blizzard and it will be freezing tonite. It is 4 degree C rite now, but I don't feel that cold....wait until I go out there before reaching my sport car ( car sound like lorry now!!!)

Not doing much today. Leeme think...go back and forth to lab to get samples for analysis, met Prof. A to arrange for meeting with fellow colleagues who will be here next week. Then feel annoyed to my so overexcited officemate...because i need to be alone and don't want to be disturbed with foolish questions from him, like he can look up for himself rather than keep on asking me. He thot I have all the silly answer!! Simple thing like asking me while I am focusing on something... Is this yr book?, then when I stare at him, he realise that he can open the book and check if my name is there..Soory, this is not yours..he got the answer...this really make me sick! But before he left today, I talk to him nicely, and he left with smiling face...People with different character!!!

Ohh one thing, Jack came to see me in the lab, telling me that he will request for oil based heater for me so that I can use it in my office when it gets too cold...Thanks you...if not I will be freezed to death when the central heating is not working especially during weekend..

What else....reply and sent many many official emails..The one email that make my blood goes upstairs and totally upset my body was my request for extension to write up has not been approved yet..need further more proof bla bla bla..Why they did not tell me earlier...sigh... I am exhausted.. yes really.. if worst come to worst I want to bungkus, abandon and go back..that is the last thing in my mind.

Ohhhhhhhhh....what a day................heading home now...

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

Meeting Dr. X

Today I can’t focus on my work. Still feel exhausted after recovering from flu. I took a short nap. After waking up, I felt like writing what happened yesterday. There you go..

Yesterday, my ex-GM (Dr X) was here for some business trip to have a short meeting with Institute where I am currently doing my study. He is now a big shot in one of the local Universities related to company that I work with. Although I never really worked closely with him in the past except having him to approve some relevant matters when we were in the same subsidiary before, but a lot that I heard about him from his staff and colleague. But I know that he was the one involved in approving my pursuing study as the chairman of the committee. It was a blessed from Allah that I do not have to work hard to get approval for my study. I was asked if I agree (since the management want to propose my name) to it then the rest was done for me. Sometimes when thinking about it, I feel weird because others can see my potential better than what I can see myself. It could also be the case that I see my potential in career but I was not very happy in some other part of life which I think more important than building career.

Coming back to Dr. X, no matter what perception that I had on him before and knowing what is his style, I always accept the fact that people will change as they go through their life cycle or there is always a reason why people behave certain way. Similar situation is happening to me. How we perceived people before may not be true at present. Another point is that we could not judge person very well until we really get to know the person.

My powergen invited me to join meeting with Dr X together with head of department and other senior staff. While I have nothing to do with their business but I would be delighted to meet him. Receiving anyone from Malaysia here in my institute, I feel like as if bringing energy and aura from my beloved country to me. Some kind of motivation or encouragement for me to keep going and aim to get it done and be back soon…

I understood the position of people a.ka. the management of this institute as I am one of the linking point to subsidiaries within my company although I am just a student here. That is the special treatment that I receive to be a matured student.

I dressed up formal with suit since I will be involved in the meeting although I wish I could just wear jean and sport shoes to be comfortable running in and out from the lab after meeting.

While waiting for Dr. X and his staff to arrive in the meeting, Head of dept (prof. P) came to the room and said ‘Hi’ to me and mentioned that Dr. X is not here yet. I told him that he is on his way and will be arriving in 10 minutes time as I was informed by another senior staff. In the meantime, I was looking at my organiser and filled –up what I need to do and prioritise.

I heard Dr. X voice from outside and the door was opened for him by Prof. P to enter the meeting room. Before Prof. P could say anything further, Dr. X was so happy to see me and shake hand with me saying that he was happy to see me here. Of course he knew that I am here. He mentioned to others in the room that I am one of his staff when he was with my company before. He asked me in front of others including my powergen “ how long you have been here? Is it 10 years already”. That is his style. He just bluntly said whatever comes out of his mind. I smile at him and said “ Oooo…I think you really miss me a lot… not reaching 3 years yet…but close to 3 years” . The irony is that when every time I was back to KL and got involved with any company function, most of the senior staff will said that they have not seen me for ages….and asking me to be back since they needed me for projects. In my mind, I thot that I am quite lucky because I am not one of the case for OUT OF SIGHT OUT OF MIND as yet.

The meeting continued while I was just listening and my powergen sat next to me. At one point he went out for a while and he came back with his notebook so that he could do his work. I knew that he also felt bored for not so much involved in the meeting. Our part was to bring Dr. X visiting our research facilities. After the meeting, we took Dr. X and his staff to visit our research. Powergen explained what kind of research we were doing and several times he highlighted which work that I involved in and directed to me to explain further. Just before leaving the lab, Dr. X again asked me in front of powergen when I am planning to go back. Spontaneously I said “I wish I could finish now, but I can’t do that”. The third time, in the absence of powergen before getting into the car, he asked me again and I explained further what I had done and what I plan to do next. He said “don’t worry, I will inform Datuk A about your request and making sure that you have sufficient time to finish”. We then parted.

Last night, staff from the university had gathered to meet Dr. X for dinner. This also included several undergrad students from various sponsors. Dr. X also brought along his 2 sons with him. Dr. X advised the student to finish their study within time and come back to serve. He kept on stressing that it was a wrong doing for just disappearing after lots of money being spent to support the student to pursue studies here. One point that he mentioned, it is very important that everyone kept his/her faith in Allah. Don’t forget to pray as from his point of view he would not respect people who did not pray no matter how good and smart the person is. For him, that is the principle of his life where he will always asked Allah for giving him a good life, wonderful family and able to make a right decision in everything that he did in his life. What came into my mind at that time was there is no question about it. When we (especially matured student with family) are here without relatives or father and mother, not many friends around us to directly support us …we feel so lonely. Our day in and out was just doing the same thing. Most of the times we are out of touch from outside world.

The wonderful part last night was having a moment with him to talk about his children, his family, how he maintained his health and about education system and many more. I shared with him what I did everyday and some life that I went through here being student.

What I found interesting about him and of course I provoked him to share with me was that he did not push his children too much for their study and not expecting them to score the best in school. For him those are just the ticket for entering colleague. But his focus is more on preparing the kids with a good faith, a self confident and develops their natural talent for them to be able to survive in their life.

He said that he was so lucky because his wife came from very poor family yet is good in many ways in term of guiding and teaching the children in many aspect of Islamic way. His own father was a head teacher cum Imam for many years and he observed his father doing everyday although his father never pushes him to follow the same. Based on that he copied what his father used to do as a good principle of life. In term of money wise, he saved all of his money to support his children education and yet he is still blessing with comfortable life. Every year, it has been a normal practice for him to spend several thousand ringgit especially close to raya, to buy the tudung, baju and other basic necessity to contribute to old folk house for them to enjoy. A lot of sedekah for those in need…

A lot more points that he shared with me which I could not properly write here as I lost word how to describe it. All in all, I had a really wonderful time meeting Dr. X and knowing him as a person and learning from him his good practice in life. He has been blessed with so much energy and enthusiasm and more importantly he is a good father to his children. I adore his principle and I will copy into my life…

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

A lot to be written but..

After recovering from virus attack so much more that I wish to write. A lots of happenings while recovering with my flu. I thought some mystery of life has come together to fit the puzzle....

Some drafts entry are left as a tittle only because I am so occupied with my work...running around in the lab and different kind of writing..i.e. technical writing which make my fingers stop writing the entry for a while.

Will be back to share...

Saturday, November 19, 2005

My promise..

On Oct 24, 2005, I spoke my mind out on paper because of strong urge inside me to sort out what is really bothering me one by one. I need to do this so that I can move on and continue to be strong. Reading it to me is just like talking to the dead wall.

I had promised to my lil brother a.k.a. N earlier that one day I will tell him the story. Finally I did after he agreed to the conditions….I sent him this mystery of my life story bcoz I hate to leave him with curiosity and confusion as it is enough to let me confused alone. Furthermore, Ramadhan is the best month to let go all grouches, anger & frustration once and for all and moved on..and I was able to talk about it.

The ground rules were set upfront for him to agree plus several other conditions (eg. don’t get stress-up with my story… If it did then pls exit yourself from my story and do keep it to yourself as I remain as anonymous, and erase this file after you read it and finally…. can I trust you?)

The ground rules: not to get simpati & belas kasihan from him or anyone, if he want to say something he is most welcome, if not then just be silence listener, don’t have to say anything. It is fine with me..

A big release I felt inside me just to empty my thots and move on with life..

My guess is that lil brother has decided to be silence listener or exit from my story or honor the title of my email to him “ my long last email to you…” since until this moment there is no news from him….

No matter what…. his present will stay in my memory forever ....
My dear lil brother, thank you for being there to listen to my mysterious life story…. and I will continue with my life journey....

Friday, November 18, 2005

Virus attack..

Caught flu since yesterday...with headache, running nose, some slight fever, acking body.. Overdose myself with paracetamol, black seed oil, multivite, vitamin c....and hot rice with sunnyside up egg + kicap kipas udang + loads of warm water..

My body with low resistant to cold weather ..Rest in bed under two layers of duvet, several cycles of sleep and wake up and loads of silence cryinggggggggggg....

Have a lovely weekend people.....

Thursday, November 17, 2005

To lovely parents out there...

You Raise Me Up
by Josh Groban
When I am down and, oh my soul, so weary;
When troubles come and my heart burdened be;
Then, I am still and wait here in the silence,
Until you come and sit awhile with me.
You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up: To more than I can be.
You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up: To more than I can be.
There is no life - no life without its hunger;
Each restless heart beats so imperfectly;
But when you come and I am filled with wonder,
Sometimes, I think I glimpse eternity.
You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up: To more than I can be.
You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up: To more than I can be.

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

Happenings since saturday..

Back to my blog. For the last 4 days I had placed a thick shell around myself to focus on report which i have to write for several chapters and incorporated others contribution into it. At had gone thru electronic highway to several countries in the world for the owners just a couple hrs ago. The next struggle is to get the remaining work finished before meeting owners in 2 weeks time.

Came back home, swallowed 1 tablet of paracetamol then take a long breath while sitting in front of my notebook. Friends at office all look like zombies just like me after struggling to get this done. The challenging part was to explain something that has no trend...and no clue hw to interpret..nevertheless, that is what research is all about...draining brain and energy..and lots of luck along the way and have to be preservere..Pls don ask me why I pilih this profession....

Was in office since last week. Cud not remember hw many hrs I really go to sleep in a day. On Saturday, supervisor came to office to see me bcoz I promise if possible i want him to read my part before he left for spain..but obviously i cud not get it done coz of unexplainable mysterious result. Look stupid to write smthing that i donno hw to explain, cant even ketentong kering(after many days pondering and staring, alhamduliilah finally there is some way to explain it). Anyway, my powergen aka supervisor said to me don work too hard..biasalah tu memang strategy dia. The reverse psychology! Anyway, he left to me to submit reports to project owners means that I am responsible for it.. AM got no choice but to get it done. Inilah perangaiyang tak boleh ubah dari dulu. Donno how to say no!. I m glad that bloggers out there has been friends entertaining my lonely life at nite in the office. I mean I do go and blog hop..

Sunday, J came to office. He had just had his viva 2 weeks ago but not so pleasant experience as he told me. He caught me in the office on Sunday and released all his frustration, dissappointment, anger toward Powergen (supervisor) for not helping him at all to get thru his PhD. This has been donno hw many time he had told me abt this. After 5 years been here..what he got is a bitter experience that drove him depressed and felt like being used when needed, suck blood from his body then finally spit when no more needed. He was thinking of quitting from getting PhD as he has to make major correction from his thesis. I tried to motivate him not to give up until he try doing it. Honestly deep down inside me I am scared the same cud happen to me.... He has many times warned me and be able to say straight to Powergen..I always keep that in mind and always play my professional stategy of win-win situation. I hope that will be the case for me and I pray to Allah that I will survive till the finishing line.

My weekend was mainly in the office. Luckily my dear friend willing to take my son to raya invitation at one of friend's hse. Thanks so much for that. I got no choice but unhappily to forgeo the invitation.

My day to day life for the passsed week until last nite was stayed in office until 8-9 pm, came back home for dinner, slept, woke up at 2 am and drove to school. Continued writing until subuh and came back home for b'fast and mandi then the cycle continue. I survived like this for several days. Sometimes called mat kenit from office to ask his homework if he need my help plus to say *I love u and miss u*. Sorry mama canot come back early. I will make it up to you dear..

My mobile phone left without battery and my car sound like motor boat or pretending like sport car. (ada bocor kat mana tak tau since before raya, but got no time for fixing, more of if without car, I will die coz difficult to move around in this cold weather to do what I need to do). Will send for fixing before the peak of winter! One thing that I didnt do was doing groceries last weekend. I hope there is still something to eat this week..

Two nites ago, H called. He sound depressed and missed both of us. In the early morning when I was in the office he sent me SMS * I miss you so much *. I ignored and avoid talking to him too much when he called. NOt that I purposedly want to do that but obviously I have nothing exciting to say anymore. But something spontaneously came out from my mouth while responding to him * biar sampai mati pun tak apa...senang sikit...*. My state of mind is really blur and I do not want to pity myself for getting into this kind of life that I carry on..what I want is to move on with my life. Day by day I can feel that I am building a strong courage & determination inside me to move on...although the past still haunted me...slowly letting go the mystery of life..

This morning mat kenit woke up and cried for whatever reason. My guess is right that he did not complete his homework last nite. I pursuad him to show me if I cud help. Last nite he told me that he is ok and don need my help. Anyway, at last he finished it and I manage to make him laugh this morning before he left for school by showing the ugly part of my hair which I cut few days ago. I cud not stand long hair, so I took scissor and cut it myself before I cud make appointment to see hair dresser. So ada yang panjang dan ada yang pendek. Showing the state of my hair make Mat Kenit gelak terbahak2 on my improper hair cutting. What is important to me..he left school with happy mood and never failed to kiss my check, nose and forehead...say I love you and miss you..

Rite now I will need to rest for while but still need to continue the momentum of writing ( I guess I work better under pressure and when my mind is not being disturbed too much..) whatever I had done as part of my thesis meaning that there is something else that I have to sacrifice along the line....What keep me going is to go back as soon as possible to be with my mak, ayah, relatives who I miss a lot and they miss me too..I carry on...

Saturday, November 12, 2005

The beauty of nature

It is a gloomy and cold day....sitting in front of PC looking at things that does not make sence to the naked eyes and brain. Hard to explain or fail to see it.. beyond understanding.

Time is so precious but the body clock does not work at the speed of time not even at 100000 x slower than the speed of time. Mind wondering, pondering plus merapuing (Tenah, pinjam word nie ya..).

Cut out from outside world. Nobody to talk to except PC, paper and radio. Wondering what exciting life out there which not for me to enjoy at this moment of time...

Find something beautiful and pleasant to look at...These are the beauty of, calm and everything it has which hard to find while in the world of so called hectic life.

Thursday, November 10, 2005

Buzy tapi....

Warning: not very interesting to read!!

Dah habih cerita raya yang panjang lebar tu...sambung buzy lah pulak kat office nie. Last week and weekend raya sakan so..kena cover baliklah. Apapun pi jugak baca blog orang lain...Just like a must everyday whether I am under stress or not stressful.

Yesterday..missed lunch sebab tergesa2 nak siapkan data analysis for meeting petang. At the same time kena tolong layan Indonesian delegates yang datang sini for training. On top of that having several machines running experiment for me and have to visit them now and then to make sure they are doing OK. By 6 pm dan balik rumah, have dinner lepas tu paksa diri tidur because the nite before came to office at around 2 am and stay sampai morning before balik rumah for short nap and b'fast. Then drove back to office. Semalam punya cerita, plan nak datang office lagi to be nite owl. Bila jaga dari tidur at 10 pm rasa masih tak puas tidur so sambung lagi.. Punyalah kuat tidur sejak akhir2 nie. Cud be mentally or physically exhausted or dah burnt out or penyakit MALAS...

Several years back, when I was working in msia, I used to sleep in the office at least two days in a week for a couple month. The reason being only at nite I cud write several proposals, do some research on the the technology to be introduced and study what is needed to do the project plus to sell the idea as well. In addition my house is a bit distance from office and I will be wasting my time and energy on the road bcoz of traffic jam in KL. There is a set of little sofa in my office and I have small TV plus other things that I need to keep we awake to work at nite and alsi a place to sleep. Teringat macam cerita Atenah tidur kat office...But I was not doing PhD that time, just working as Project Leader cum researcher.

The interesting part was our office security guard knew that I always stay back and sleep in the office. Every nite at 2 am, he came and asked me " Puan, ok ke?". Lama2 dia curious dan tanya lebih sikit.."Puan buat apa malam2 kat sini selalu tak balik rumah?". Aku sengeh aje..dia tanya lagi.." Puan buat PhD ke??".. Aku mula tergelak dan jawab " Tak lah...saya ada banyak project kena handle sekarang, lepas tu ada lagi project baru ynag nak kena propose. Jadinya kena stay kat office malam. Masa siang asyik meeting memanjang sampai tak sempat nak membaca. Tak larat nak redah jalan balik rumah..penat rasanya. Esok pagi2 nak drive ke office lagi."...Security kata.. " Oooo gitu ke. Saya ingat Puan buat PhD...". The moral of the story..kenapa masa tu boleh tahan buat kerja malam2 dan tak tahu letih...but now when I need to do that as a student, some resistance and banyak excuses dan body is so weak. But thinking further about that, I had gone thru the worse time for the first 2 years here sampai kena macam2 penyakit yang tak pernah kena masa kat Msia. Just hoping that I cud hang on a little bit more until reaching the finishing line of my mission here..

Sambung balik cerita kisah semalam dan pagi tadi..terjaga at 2 am ...dengar angin kat luar tu bergerun sangat dengan hujan sekali... makanya setelah deperkenan oleh penyimpan mohor2 besar..maka diistiharkan sambung tidur sampai pagi...Hari nie memang segar bugar...

Pagi2 pulak kena motivate Mat Kenit buat homework. Dia nie biasalah kalau nak buat homework especially writing sentences mesti nak make sure mama dia ada kat sebelah berleter dan inject idea for him. Tapi idea mama dia tak terima langsung. Always say not a good one. But he will modify and get his own sentences at the end. Itulah antara cabaran yang ku lalui sebagai mama. Most of the time he need my attention. That is what a single kid demand from Parent. Recently Mat Kenit and I had a discussion before went to sleep,

Mama: Mat Kenit, which one is your wish? Mama go to work and see you at nite plus weekend or me stay with you all the time at home?

Mat kenit: When we are in Malaysia, do you still have to work? Why you have to work?

Mama: Of course I have to work like before. We are here also bcoz of my work. I need to pay back all the money that my company spend on me when we are here.

Mat Kenit: I wish that you are always be around at home.

Mama: You mean you want me to run around in the house and play with you.

Mat Kenit: (He giggle and smile)..Yeah...

That is so sweet of him. Every morning before he left for school he will kiss me on both chicks, forehead and nose..then followed by "I love you" and "enjoy your school". Whenever I will leave for my school first, he will say the same thing to me..or sometimes if I want to continue my sleep he will wish me "enjoy your sleep and dream"..

I am buzy tapi nak blog jugak and also blog hop here and there...

Sunday, November 06, 2005

Hari raya yang dilalui..

First raya (Nov 3, 2005)
Pagi2 bangun awal bersiap sedia nak pergi Mosque. Mat kenit buat ragam dan protest... tapi akhirnya berjaya dipujuk. Blood pressure almost go up stairs tapi sabar ajelah...Yang tak laratnya nak drive ke town dengan jalan jammed pagi-pagi hari. Walaumacamana pun pergi jugak lah.

Jalan ke town sangat slow. Memang tak sempat nak catch the first trip of sembahyang raya. Have to wait for second trip. Mat kenit dah lapar. Lepas parking kereta, konon2 nak pergi breakfast dulu, tapi terjumpa geng Msia. Dia orang ajak pergi rumah kawan dekat mosque dulu for breakfast cum beraya sementara nak tunggu second trip of sembahyang. Makan2 dulu. Lepas tu baru pergi semula ke mosque. Terpinga-pinga cari orang melayu nak pass Mat kenit sembahyang dengan orang lelaki. Lama jugak dok tercanggak kat depan pintu mosque tu. Mat kenik pun tak nampak kawan dia. Yang ramai nya Pakistani. At last nampak budak2 bujang dan pass Mat kenit kat dia orang tolong bawa adik (read: mat kenit) sembahyang. Janji lepas sembahyang jumpa kat tepi pintu mosque.

Lepas sembahyang pergi lagi kat rumah kawan2 lain pulak yang berdekatan dengan mosque. Tiga rumah kat situ. Seronok berborak2 sambil makan2. This will be the last raya dengan kawan2 kat sini. Sebelum pergi rumah no 3, aku dan kawan pergi top-up parking charge dan balik semula ke rumah nombor 2. Keluar aje dari rumah no 2 ke rumah no.3, kami dah nampak surat cinta warna merah kat depan kereta masing-masing...aisayman...kena saman pulak hari raya ni. Sebabnya parking is limited to 2 hours. Walaupun top-up tapi kereta masih tempat parking yang sama, it was considered illegal parking!!! Nasiblah apa nak buat...City council dah mintak duit raya. What a stupid system!!

Lepas rumah no 3, jalan rumah no 4, 5, 6 and 7. Kami convoy ramai-ramai. Memang meriah. The kids really enjoy and yang tua pun seronok jugak..mengiratkan silaturrahim antara kami di perantauan. Kami semua kata kita ni raya sakan mengalahkan orang kat Msia. Malam tu balik rumah hampir 12 mid-nite.

Second raya (Nov 4, 2005)
Pergi office. Buat kerja macam biasa..Malam nanti kawan-kawan yang tinggal berdekatan nak raya kat rumah pulak. Tengahari balik rumah sebab nak buat VC dengan family kat Msia. Sembang lama. Suruh my brother tunjuk gitar dia (read: tulang -tulang kat badan dia). Dia nie kurus sangat, bila puasa lagilah tinggal tulang. Setiap kali selepas puasa aku saja main2 kan dia dengan gitarnya. Bermaaf-maafan dengan mak, ayah dan SIL. Anak2 saudara pun berborak jugak. Mat kenit malu pulak, selalu hiding behind table tak nak bagi orang tengok muka dia. Everyone seems to be very happy tapi sedih jugak sebab they miss me and of course I miss raya with them also. Mak tengah pujuk Mat Kenit pasal nak balik Msia in January. Mat Kenit dengan terpaksa mengatakan OK lah..Hampir satu jam VC. Aku pun mintak excuses sebab nak pergi office semula.

Malam tu aku balik dari office 6:30 pm. My friends with their family (4 families) arrived between 7 - 8 pm. Semua makanan dah siap. Beriyani kambing + kurma dan bihun kuah resepi mak and dessert. Makan-makan dan berborak dalam conservatory dining area sampai pukul 1 pagi. Macam-macam cerita. Starting with discussion pasal our join raya gathering in 2 weeks time, pasal experience pengsan, mabuk darah, jin dan manusia dan akhirnya pasal PhD dan kerenah supervisor masing2. It was really a good release tension session for everyone. That was the adults session while the kids were in the living room with PS2 games and computer games. Bila dah sedar baru semua perasan dah hampir 1:30 am. Luckily it was weekend. Then everyone left my house.

Third raya (Nov 5, 2005)
Pagi2 lagi kepala dah sakit. Mungkin tidur lambat that morning. Bangun breakfast, lepas tu masuk duvet semula. Sejuk sangat... Pukul 1:30tengahari bangun mandi dan bersiap2 nak pergi open hall raya gathering kat town hosted my several families. Pakai baju lawa sikit dari biasa..but it was a recycle baju raya 5 years ago. Sampai saja kat hall tu ramai pulak yang tegur..lawanya baju akak...kain jenis apa...colour torquise nice colour etc...etc..Jenuh pulak dok cerita pasal baju... ni yang malas nak melawa sebab banyak soalan yang nak kena jawap..Tapi kalau tak pakai baju tu memang dok dalam closet ajelah forever kat sini. Bila lagi nak pakai.. lagipun banyak persoalan sebab all this while seldom that I wear glamourous baju. So depa agak tergezut bila tengok kakak depa nie glamour lah pulak raya tahun nie. Apapun yang pentingnya aku bahagia & gembira dan orang lain pun gembira melihat aku gembira...

Habis makan2 dan borak2 serta bergambar sana-sini...tinggalkan majlis dan singgah pergi beli barang2 sebab esok ramai yang beritahu nak mai beraya kat rumah. Since dia orang nak mai so akupun ajak sekali those yang tak pernah sampai rumah aku dan yang baru sampai sini. Bolehlah berkenalan lebih dekat. Sementara nak tunggu kedai Paki tu siapkan order ayam dan daging, aku dan Mat kenit pergi book store - Blackwell. Aku split dengan Mat Kenit to different level sebab dia nak pergi section kanak2 while aku nak pergi beli dictionary and thesaurus for him. Mat kenit aku tu memang suka buku. Kalau kat Msia, kunikuniya kat KLCC dia boleh lepak sampai 2-3 jam baca buku. So aku akan tunggu sama lah dan cari buku yang aku suka. Kadang2 sampai aku pujuk dia suruh beli buku tu instead of baca kat kedai. Most of the time dia tak nak beli. Dia suka baca aje.

Sama jugak lah kat Blackwell pun. Tambahan pulak children section kat basement with very nice little sofa for children, very cozy. Aku kata kat Mat Kenit yang aku tak tahu pun selama nie yang bookstore nie ada children section yang best kat sini. So, lain kali kita boleh datang lagi dan lepak kat sini. Mat Kenit memang happy dengan cadangan aku. Sekali lagi aku pujuk Mat Kenit beli buku cerita yang dia baca tu. At first dia tak nak beli tapi at last makan jugak pujuk aku tu. Sebabnya aku dah penat dan kepala pun dah ngap-ngap..Lagipun aku nak kena singgah kat superstore lagi beli barang sebelum balik rumah. Masa jalan -jalan sambil pegang tangan Mat Kenit aku promise kat dia yang aku akan cuba spend one day during weekend to take him around to places that he wish to go before he goes back to Msia early next year. Lately aku tak banyak spend time bawa dia keluar during weekend. Hanya setakat bawa dia pergi superstore untuk buat groceries which he got tired of it. Anyway, he will always hang around at magazine2 and book section or PS2 games and DVD section.

Malam sampai rumah memang penat sangat dan terus tidur. Dalam 9:30 pm Mat Kenit's best friend datang rumah to sleep over. Aku pun join budak2 nie camping kat living room to play PS2 games. Lepas make sure budak2 tu comfortable kat bawah and the heating is ok aku pun naik atas to my bedroom and hiding under my duvet. Aku tak tahu pukul berapa budak2 dua orang tu tidur. Biarlah dia orang enjoy their weekend nite.

Fourth raya (Nov 6, 2005)
Bangun lambat lagi. Called mak dan ayah dengar cerita pasal raya kat Msia and their get together with all relatives for BBQ ikan, udang, sotong etc. Everyone really missed me because normally my other cousin and I were the one yang selalu organised for the BBQ gathering. Everyone cud not wait for me to come back next year. ..I missed them all as much as they miss me...

At around 11:00 am. The sibbling of Mat Kenit's friend came to join the boys party. I prepared them breakfast..Toasts with baked bean and scrambled egg. Everyone beratur with their plate while I served them. Seronok sebab rasa macam kat sekolah asrama lah pulak. Riuh rendah rumah aku dengan budak2 3 orang nie. Lepas makan aku suruh semua bawa their plate to the sink then they can continue playing in the living room. Aku pulak potong ayam dan daging nak masak untuk kawan2 yang nak datang beraya kat rumah petang ni. Nasib baik kepala aku pun dah ok dah hari nie. Lepas masak then set everything kat dining. Tunggu punya tunggu depa tak sampai-sampai lagi. Other friends yang duduk berdekatan semua call rumah aku tanya samada ada yang dah sampai. Aku cakap tak ada pun lagi.

Tak lama lepas tu..baru lah dia orang sampai. Semuanya ada 5 family datang sekali. Tiba-tiba rumah aku penuh dengan orang dan budak-budak berlari-lari atas dan bawah. Seronok rasanya. Macam kenduri lah pulak. Aku fikir makanan banyak sangat takut tak habis. Alhamdullliah semuanya hampir habis..quite good estimate. Aku buat bihun kuah resepi mak lagi. Mulanya plan nak buat nasi ayam tapi change plan sebab fikirkan yang nak datang tu dah tentu sehari suntuk makan heavy food for raya. So lebih baik buat something light. Lagipun we will have join raya gathering next 2 week. Akhirnya yang datang semua kata sedap makan bihun kuah tu sebab dia orang dah tak larat makan typical makanan raya at most houses. Bila dapat sup panas semua happy tambahan pulak kat luar tu sejuk. Budak2 pun suka makan. Alhamdulillah..

Aku tak dapat berborak sangat sebab nak tengok mana yang tak cukup nak kena tambah. Tapi in - between tu sempat jugaklah berborak sikit2 berkenal mesra dengan family yang baru datang sini dan yang tak pernah sampai rumah sewa aku. Since this will be the last raya kat rumah nie, so masing2 ambik gambar kenangan. Lepas tu dia orang pun beredar dari rumah aku ke rumah kawan2 lain pulak..

Lepas kemas2 aku pun masuk bilik dan tulis entry nie.

Tomorrow will go back to my day to day life at office..tons of work to do..and sometimes cud not priotise...I will sort it out again and back to my time management skill. Sejak beberapa bulan yang lepas semuanya hancur... And plan to go back to gym and yoga session to keep my brain and body working..Insyaallah..

Begitulah serba sedikit kisah raya ku disini..

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

Day of my life

Nov 2, 2005; 13:59

Tomorrow raya. I am at my office. Do nothing..listening to music. Non productive day. Alots of wishes coming in and out for raya. My body is so acking, feel as if it will break up into pieces and as if I will catch cold. All my joints are painful. It has been a long time since I last catch cold...and I have so much to catch up. I hope I will not fall sick again because it will take ages to get back to normal again..

Looking and seeking for something to get my mood up to the sky. People around me live a normal life with studies and works. I hope I will get better and will be happy to celebrate raya as well as catch up with work. Oh..please ...I cud not afford to be sick now...

Day of my life..

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

What's your place in the family?

This article was extracted from one of the online newspaper.
What's your place in the family?

YOUNGER children perform dramatically less well at school than elder brothers or sisters, according to a major new study. And that's not the only effect that your place in a family's "birth order" has on your life...

For obvious reasons, he gets much more attention from parents than other children do and is particularly likely to be spoilt by his mother. His lack of a family playmate tends to make him self-sufficient, but never having to compete for parental attention can make him self-centred. He has good self-esteem, but can be poor at forming relationships and that can lead to problems of loneliness. Best marital partner would be an eldest sister of brothers, because she would have learned how to give him the attention he needs. Least compatible marital partner would be an only child, girl, because both are egocentric.

She will derive all her emotional support from her mother and father, leaving her permanently wanting to please authority figures. She may also be prone to anorexia, due to a tendency to incorporate male expectations of competitive performance from her father, who had no son. There is some evidence that an only daughter is more masculine than other women and she can find it more difficult than other women to forgo her own needs for a male partner, but is most likely to fall for a father figure. Because of lack of experience with younger siblings, she finds it hard to learn to be a mother. Best partner would be an eldest brother of sisters, because she won't resent his tendency to take the lead.

He enjoys taking on weaker opponents. He identifies with authority and is often the first one to notice when a person in power is not as strong as he appears, and will try to take over. An eldest brother of brothers may lack ability in the more feminine areas of social skills and forgiveness. If the next child is a daughter, he can be jealous and resentful. But he can be shy with women and treat them as if they are boys. He may prefer women who are a bit tomboyish. Best partner would be a youngest sister - she will know how to deal with his bossiness.

When she has only younger sisters, she likes to give orders and take care of the fine details in projects. She attaches herself to male authority figures, because this replicates her relationship between her father and younger sisters. She can have perfectionist tendencies and be prone to eating disorders. When she has brothers as well as sisters, she learns to adopt a mothering role early and her leadership style is gentle; she is good at being in charge of men in an unobtrusive manner. Her best partner is a youngest brother of sisters: he will have learned to cope with a dominant female.

The youngest boy in a family of boys is more likely to have feminine tendencies because the mother wishes for a girl. He may find his own children a threat to his relationship with his wife and will find it difficult to get used to the father role. He may seek counselling at some stage so that someone will, at last, listen to him. Best marriage partner: eldest sister of brothers. If he has mixed elder siblings, he will not be very ambitious and will not like detail - but he will like to be mothered.

She is most likely to have difficult children. These women like to make a show of being independent, but really need others to guide them. If she has elder brothers she can be a bit spoilt, expecting men to look after her. These women tend to be very feminine. If she has mixed older siblings she will be good at attracting men - but she can be overly dependent on them. Her best partner is the eldest brother of sisters.

With an older sister, he is likely to be more intellectual and cultured than if he had a more masculine influence. He tends to have wider interests than many men. Middle-born men are often good talkers and popular with women. The second-born boy is constantly striving for superiority but can be left with a feeling of never quite making it, no matter how successful he becomes. Research has found athletes are often middle boys, particularly with an older brother. His best partner is the oldest sister of brothers.

If she has an older sister, she may be very competitive with her - particularly in trying to show who can be most caring towards a younger brother. Trying to wrest her father's attentions away from either older or younger siblings means she seems too demanding. She will have wide interests and will want to dominate men if an older sister has given her confidence in the female role. Best partner: youngest brother of brothers.
How true do you think this generalisation?

Friday, October 28, 2005

Salam Aidilfitri

Untuk semua rakan-rakan bloggers dan blog hoppers,
Selamat Hari Raya diucapkan
Ampun dan maaf sekiranya terkasar bahasa
Semuga bergembira di hari yang mulia
Salam rindu dari kami yang jauh

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

I have a dream...

I have a dream
by Westlife
I have a dream, a song to sing
To help me cope with anything
If you see the wonder of a fairy tale
You can take the future even if you fail
I believe in angels
Something good in everything I see
I believe in angels
When I know the time is right for me
I'll cross the stream - I have a dream
I have a dream, a fantasy
To help me through reality
And my destination makes it worth the while
Pushing through the darkness still another mile
I believe in angels
Something good in everything I see
I believe in angels
When I know the time is right for me
I'll cross the stream - I have a dream
I'll cross the stream - I have a dream
I have a dream, a song to sing
To help me cope with anything
If you see the wonder of a fairy tale
You can take the future even if you fail
I believe in angels
Something good in everything I see
I believe in angels
When I know the time is right for me
I'll cross the stream - I have a dream
I'll cross the stream - I have a dream

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

English or slang?

F, my new nerdy officemate asked me again after many times asking me about the same thing in the past.

F: AM, sorry for disturbing you. I need to ask you. Do you think my English is OK?

Me: Your english is much better than your other friends. I have no problem to understand you as I told you before. What's bothering you?

F: When I speak with others I felt that I don't understand what they are talking about...

Me: Oooooo..... it is not the english! is the slang or dialect...I have the same problem when I came here for the first time and it took me several months to understand what are they talking about.. even if they talked among themselves I am puzzled & don even catch a word.

F: It that so?

Me: One day, one of the native colleague asked me which I understood goes like this:

Mr X: whok is your hobbie?

Me: My hobbie is swimming, travelling etc...etc...(with a log lists...and asked him back the same thing..)

Mr X was puzzled with my answer!!! and he was silence for a while not responding back to me..I can see his eyes and face looking at me like blank..

Then he said..." I don't mean hobbie as hobby...I meant the other one... your husband..."
Me: haaaaaaaaaa...... (puzzled and LOL..) and Mr X laughed his heart out..

After telling that story to F, he was just laughed and laughed non-stop..Then I told him " So from now on, I do not want to hear you complaining to me that your english is not good is just the slang that you need to get used to it..ok"

The next day, F came to office and telling me that he was still laughing about my story last night!

Monday, October 24, 2005

Lonely cum unproductive weekend

It was Saturday Oct 22, 2005.

Talked to mak and everyone in Msia. It is a weekly routine for me to call family back home. If I didn't call then my mak in particular will be wondering why I didn't call. Mak told me that they are preparing for raya...pasang langsir that she recently bought from here and also preparing to make some kuih raya. In the background I can hear my 4 lovely niece's and nephew's voices. Having all of them at kampung, both mak and ayah are so in high spirit and good mood for raya celebration. Even in blog world, people are busy preparing for is really exciting...

Me...went to office to catch up with my long list of work which has been stagnant for so long...what I called....."the mood is not there... and I can't force myself too much to keep it going".Called my supervisor..yes, he was in the office during weekend. He just came back from Azerbijan a few hours and Sunday morning will be flying to Portugal for another week. I had prepared my poster for him to take to Portugal for poster travel with my supervisor leaving me feeling lonely in front of my PC, with stack of books which I occasionally touch lately and my experiments in the lab. He asked me " are you ok? "...Off course le jawap OK...walaupun KO..

Sitting in front of my PC..., staring outside through my office's window....gloomy weather outside, not a single soul that I can see around the building, ...make me even lonely...ohmegod!!! I am wasting my time...not being productive at all for few hours....Wondering for a while what I had written in my blog diary, especially that novel of mine which has come to the end... at last...

In the midth of so called "melayan perasaan" and wishing that someone or something.. please help me to twist my mood to get moving with my thesis writing, publication, data analysis etc...or even "a rotan" from Auntie Yan or "mantra" from Adiejin could be of help...I heard the beeping of incoming SMS from my mobile...thot it cud be from H, my sibblings or friends..."who? aisayman...NNNN??? Emmmm.....ok.. let's kopipes..

N: Salam. dah buka ke?

Me: Belum lagi. In 1.5 hrs. Kat office. Lots of work. No mood! Just waste time. Kat Msia semua sibuk prep 4 raya. Now lonely n sad. Glomy weather. BTW, hw r u?

N: Y sad?

Me: Kat mana ni? Mana aci i write long & u write shrt! X ada cerite ke? I thot life so exciting in msia! Wish I fall in love wt my p** so that i cud stare at it all the time. Tgh cari mood!

N: Susah2 dulu, siapa kata p** senang tanpa pgorbanan. Sabar ya. nanti dah balik blh jumpa saya kena teh tarik kat *****. Dah bole stop tu...dah nak buka kan. Ada kat rumah, teman wife dia ada exam law tomorrow.

Me: p** memang susah but 2 get the mood is even difficult @ this stage. Maybe dah exhausted aftr struggle 1 st & 2nd yr. Ok teh tarik mamak next yr! Gud luck 2 yr wife.

N: Slmt berbuka puasa. Salam.

That is my lil brother!!...keep me smile through out the remaing of the day! really make my day!! Noticed that he never fail to get in touch with me & ask me hw am I doing every weekend. But I still keep my earlier promise to myself..

I just wish something like that came from H. Athough H call every night especially since puasa but..nothing much to talk about. Sometimes just the phone talking to the is just like silence mode..Why??? It is a long winding and roller coster story...Difficult to put in words...

At night we had a gathering for berbuka among Msian students & family...quite a big crowd. Following that several of us discussed about our plan for join raya gathering....At least this will make me and others in the mood of raya preparation...To all out there...enjoy your raya preparation and ramadhan will soon leave us...

Friday, October 21, 2005

Part 8...akhirnya

September 19, 2005

Dear CS,

My promise to myself (which is sometimes difficult to keep..but I will try to the best of my ability) :

1. Not to communicate with him unless he did first. The reasons:
a) let him be the one who think and remember me so that I don’t get too excited waiting for his reply if he did not..
b) save cost of phone bill (saja aje letak reason nie sebab nak cukupkan 2 reasons at least for each justification)

2. Not to send email to him…unless he did first then I will reply. The reasons:
a) To discontinue writing novel to him which I am not sure he like it or hate reading it… so that I don’t waste my time and his time
b) I have my blog to talk to myself and only CS yang tahu siapa saya…and of course finding new friend blogger yang sudi menerima saya seadanya..
c) He knows where to find me if he need me as a friend..

3. From the bottom of my heart, I had already accepted him as my little brother and I am his big sister (starting this week (sept 19,2005)..after blog hopping extensively)..whether he likes it or not…(I don’t care what he think..). The reasons:
a) Don’t want to accept as friend bcoz…thinks cud still turn up side down again.
b) He is younger than me…my first impression…younger than me less mature…takes a lot to proof, although in some cases he is more mature than me
c) Most importantly he is husband orang, never in my life to spoil others good or bad relationship

Thanks you CS for being there for me and your crystal ball is so useful!!!... I really appreciate what you had done to me...being a shoulder to cry on...and remember that I am always there for you to lend my shoulder when you need one....

Disaat dan ketika ini, kenangan manis yang ku lalui yang sebahagiannya masih didalam ingatanku sedikit demi sedikit aku harapkan akan terkubur didalam diary blog ku ini. Aku pasrah segala apa yang ku lalui dan aku merasakan aku lebih mengenali diriku, menyayangi diriku dan memahami siapa aku yang sebenarnya dan aku hidup kembali setelah lama terkujur mati tapi bernyawa..


Ya Allah,
aku seorang hambaMu yang lemah
tidak tertanggung dugaanMu terhadapku
terlalu berat untuk ku hadapinya
Aku bersyukur kepadaMu
menemukan insan yang suci dan mulia
yang sehati & sejiwa denganku
namun ku harus biarkan ia berlalu
bagai debu berterbangan ditiup angin
Ya Allah
kepada Mu aku memohon
tunjukkanlah aku kejalan yang Engkau redhai
lindungilah diriku
hambaMu yang masih berpaut didahan yang terlalu rapuh
mencari-cari tempat bergantung
meneruskan sisa hidupku
sebelum aku dipanggil kembali oleh Mu
Anggerik merah (Oct 16, 2005)
The end of the story..
1) Adakah aku bersalah memiliki perasan begitu?
2) Adakah aku memilih jalan yang terbaik untuk menguraikan dugaan yang aku tempuhi?
3) Apa yang harus aku lakukan sekiranya N tidak dapat menerima pendirian ku? Harus aku terus lari darinya?
I really appreciate whoever read this story of mine could provide your honest opinion concerning the above or general comments ...