Back to my blog. For the last 4 days I had placed a thick shell around myself to focus on report which i have to write for several chapters and incorporated others contribution into it. At last..it had gone thru electronic highway to several countries in the world for the owners just a couple hrs ago. The next struggle is to get the remaining work finished before meeting owners in 2 weeks time.
Came back home, swallowed 1 tablet of paracetamol then take a long breath while sitting in front of my notebook. Friends at office all look like zombies just like me after struggling to get this done. The challenging part was to explain something that has no trend...and no clue hw to interpret..nevertheless, that is what research is all about...draining brain and energy..and lots of luck along the way and have to be preservere..Pls don ask me why I pilih this profession....
Was in office since last week. Cud not remember hw many hrs I really go to sleep in a day. On Saturday, supervisor came to office to see me bcoz I promise if possible i want him to read my part before he left for spain..but obviously i cud not get it done coz of unexplainable mysterious result. Look stupid to write smthing that i donno hw to explain, cant even ketentong kering(after many days pondering and staring, alhamduliilah finally there is some way to explain it). Anyway, my powergen aka supervisor said to me don work too hard..biasalah tu memang strategy dia. The reverse psychology! Anyway, he left to me to submit reports to project owners means that I am responsible for it.. sigh..so AM got no choice but to get it done. Inilah perangaiyang tak boleh ubah dari dulu. Donno how to say no!. I m glad that bloggers out there has been friends entertaining my lonely life at nite in the office. I mean I do go and blog hop..
Sunday, J came to office. He had just had his viva 2 weeks ago but not so pleasant experience as he told me. He caught me in the office on Sunday and released all his frustration, dissappointment, anger toward Powergen (supervisor) for not helping him at all to get thru his PhD. This has been donno hw many time he had told me abt this. After 5 years been here..what he got is a bitter experience that drove him depressed and felt like being used when needed, suck blood from his body then finally spit when no more needed. He was thinking of quitting from getting PhD as he has to make major correction from his thesis. I tried to motivate him not to give up until he try doing it. Honestly deep down inside me I am scared the same cud happen to me.... He has many times warned me and be able to say straight to Powergen..I always keep that in mind and always play my professional stategy of win-win situation. I hope that will be the case for me and I pray to Allah that I will survive till the finishing line.
My weekend was mainly in the office. Luckily my dear friend willing to take my son to raya invitation at one of friend's hse. Thanks so much for that. I got no choice but unhappily to forgeo the invitation.
My day to day life for the passsed week until last nite was stayed in office until 8-9 pm, came back home for dinner, slept, woke up at 2 am and drove to school. Continued writing until subuh and came back home for b'fast and mandi then the cycle continue. I survived like this for several days. Sometimes called mat kenit from office to ask his homework if he need my help plus to say *I love u and miss u*. Sorry mama canot come back early. I will make it up to you dear..
My mobile phone left without battery and my car sound like motor boat or pretending like sport car. (ada bocor kat mana tak tau since before raya, but got no time for fixing, more of if without car, I will die coz difficult to move around in this cold weather to do what I need to do). Will send for fixing before the peak of winter! One thing that I didnt do was doing groceries last weekend. I hope there is still something to eat this week..
Two nites ago, H called. He sound depressed and missed both of us. In the early morning when I was in the office he sent me SMS * I miss you so much *. I ignored and avoid talking to him too much when he called. NOt that I purposedly want to do that but obviously I have nothing exciting to say anymore. But something spontaneously came out from my mouth while responding to him * biar sampai mati pun tak apa...senang sikit...*. My state of mind is really blur and I do not want to pity myself for getting into this kind of life that I carry on..what I want is to move on with my life. Day by day I can feel that I am building a strong courage & determination inside me to move on...although the past still haunted me...slowly letting go the mystery of life..
This morning mat kenit woke up and cried for whatever reason. My guess is right that he did not complete his homework last nite. I pursuad him to show me if I cud help. Last nite he told me that he is ok and don need my help. Anyway, at last he finished it and I manage to make him laugh this morning before he left for school by showing the ugly part of my hair which I cut few days ago. I cud not stand long hair, so I took scissor and cut it myself before I cud make appointment to see hair dresser. So ada yang panjang dan ada yang pendek. Showing the state of my hair make Mat Kenit gelak terbahak2 on my improper hair cutting. What is important to me..he left school with happy mood and never failed to kiss my check, nose and forehead...say I love you and miss you..
Rite now I will need to rest for while but still need to continue the momentum of writing ( I guess I work better under pressure and when my mind is not being disturbed too much..) whatever I had done as part of my thesis meaning that there is something else that I have to sacrifice along the line....What keep me going is to go back as soon as possible to be with my mak, ayah, relatives who I miss a lot and they miss me too..I carry on...