Saturday, July 29, 2006

Assertive or Aggressive?

It is easy to mistake aggression for assertiveness. If you sense that you are too overpowering when pursuing your goals, watch out for these signs:

Your posture - do you draw yourself up to your full height and spread your limbs widely to occupy the maximum space? Try sitting or standing differently, so that people do not feel physically threatened.

Your gaze - do you stare fixedly at people, willing them to look away? Instead, look directly at the person to whom you're speaking no more than one-third of the time.

Your face - do you wear a cold, unsmiling, or frowning expression when you assert yourself? It is much better to smile as you speak.

Your voice - is your voice loud, deep and hectoring, and do you talk over others? If so, soften and modulate your voice, and allow others to speak in their turn.

Your gestures - are your gestures prodding and accusatory? Try neutral gestures, and don't rely too heavily on your hands for emphasis.

Feb 20, 2006

Thursday, July 27, 2006

Of do nothing & painter....

Some says that the best idea generated when we do nothing. Or just dreaming to begin with... How true?

The art of doing & completing something is just like painting...have to know when is the last stroke on a canvas....Only painter knows when to stop...

To be seen around my village...

Mind with only one purpose...

July 21, 2006 12:52

On holiday....loads of smilinggggg :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-)

(my holiday only last for few can I have it longer when my brain is actively thinking?...hence I update below..)

Need more holiday... will continue!!


To my dearest lil man,
this one is for you... everything I do, I do it for you (Byran Adam)

Look into my eyes - you will see
What you mean to me
Search your heart - search your soul
And when you find me there you'll search no more

Don't tell me it's not worth tryin' for
You can't tell me it's not worth dyin' for
You know it's true
Everything I do - I do it for you

Look into your heart - you will find
There's nothin' there to hide
Take me as I am - take my life
I would give it all - I would sacrifice

Don't tell me it's not worth fightin' for
I can't help it - there's nothin' I want more
Ya know it's true
Everything I do - I do it for you

There's no love - like your love
And no other - could give more love
There's nowhere - unless you're there
All the time - all the way

Oh - you can't tell me it's not worth tryin' for
I can't help it - there's nothin' I want more
I would fight for you - I'd lie for you
Walk the wire for you - ya I'd die for you

Ya know it's true
Everything I do - I do it for you

To my lil man, we had conversation today about why anggerik merah is the name. I told you the story. You asked me about the song. You attentively listened to my voice as I sang the song for you...I miss you much darling...and you keep me going


Waking up in the morning and looking through the window to know that I am healthy is a bliss. With that I am able to do what I need to do here.

Whispering from one of Omanist here who consistently saying to me as we met along the corridor or anywhere: how are you sista?... have you finished? work hard and then you can relax later..that surely keep firing-up my depleted energy!

Both of us kind of comparing ourself at what stages we had progressed based on our plan although we don't know what each other is doing exactly. Obviously he had submitted his today... He told me he felt good. I can see load of more sweet smile on his clean & calm face.. and encouraging me along the way. He will be leaving home next week to visit his first born which he has not get a chance to see, then come back for the examination.

So much that I need to hear this kind of encouragement face to face every day to keep me going.. as if I wish someone around me who has genuine interest, just purely want to see me finishing up soon enough to keep on reminding me. Yes..I admit how desperate I am to live my every day with encouragement whispered in my eyes during these days. Thats will enhance my own whisper in my brain... At this point I realised how weak I am being given this challenge.

To HIM, I surrender myself to bless me with strength, good health, courage, believe in myself & preservere day it will be mine, please make the path easier for me to get through it...AMEEN

It feel goodddddddddddddddddddddddd...

July 27, 2006

Sunday, July 23, 2006

Anggerik merah...memory lane

Singing competition when she was small many years ago....created this name

(singer: Mazuin Hamzah)

Anggerik merah
Lambang cintaku sorang dara
Suatu waktu
Semerah Anggerik

Anggerik Merah
Yang kau berikan padaku
Suatu waktu
Ia kan layu

Namun kau lupa
Pada suatu waktu
Anggerik kan layu
Dan merahnya
Kan pudar

Anggerik merah
Lambang cintaku sorang dara
Suatu waktu
Semerah Anggerik
My dearest old friend..Sharifah Afidah (I don't know where you are now, will make an effort to find you when I am back home). Thanks for the lovely red anggerik you gave me while I was in the middle of singing that song on stage after finishing the first song of Salamiah Hassan. You told me that you sat the flowers next to you while doing your Maghrib prayer on the night of competition. You were afraid of someone might took it away...YES, I won the competition (with guidance from music teachers & support from friends)...! That's the story how this name came about.

(pic source:

white orchid bought from IKEA)

Apa ada pada nama, lagu, bunga dan warna????? (mental thots on: April 30, 2006)
Pada hakikatnya..anggerik bertahan lama ditangkai, tidah mudah layu dan tidak begitu susah untuk dijaga.
Anggerik yang dibeli dari IKEA, bunganya bertahan selama 4 bulan...sekarang ni dah agak layu sebab cuaca agak panas. Mungkin perlu pindahkan tempatnya...
Today, Jul 23 2006 marked another era of anggerik's life... memory lane.
Sorry for one X-rated pic..hehehe.

Anggerik will treat herself with Pure Spa Secret Indulgence Experience (relaxing massage & booster wrap de-stress mind) for her b'day this year which will cost her a fortune. But, why not once in a while if it bring loads of benefit! Money worth for investment in health.
To all beloved friend bloggers, thanks for sharing your story and also thanks for being here with me to read my scribble. I treasure all the friendships.
Life can be such a roller-coaster. I take it as whatever the good one is from HIM and the bad one is from me.
After this entry, I have to be on holiday for awhile. I will be back when I have chance to share more.
In the mean time, I can be reached through email: Keep in touch.
LOVE you all. Muaahhhhh...
Take care.
Bye for now.
July 23, 2006
1. Friend in neigbourhood came to wish happy b'day and brought Ferraro Rocher, a b'day card and kebab for dinner. Thank you friend.
2. The first b'day wish from cousin through SMS @ 12:50 am Msia 'stime: happy XX b'day 2 u. Bila nak balik dah rindu le.
3. SMS followed by live radio of b'day song from friend: Thank you friend...I like it so much. Me senyum sampai telinga mendengarnya...You really make my day..heheh.
4. SMS from uncle in Msia: Long time no news. Just to wish you Happy b'day n don't worry its wonderful to be XX years old. C u soon.
5. Big man & lil man called to wish mama happy b'day. Thank you sayang. I wish I could be there or both of you are here with me.
6. Off to pamper myself for 2 hours. A bliss & so relaxing... My neck & shoulder were too tense as expected. In general I would say treatment in Msia is more satisfying... I can't wait for that.
7. SMS from beloved friend in Msia: Happy b'day! Card will follow soon. Present hand in person in Sept. May u have a blessed, happy and healthy life ahead of u. From all of us.
8. Did some window shopping & could not resist to buy. Lunched at cafe alone overseing the dock side. How I wish someone with me. But no regret. Being alone and watching people was a bliss also.
9. Back and forth SMS from another beloved friend in Msia. You know that you really make my day too.
She: happy b'day. Have you blow the candles
Me: Tq. Tak dok candles. Treat my self with spa & shopping for summer sale
She: Ha.. good for you. XX something will be good years. I was XX on 5th of July. Zodiac kita sama. (This make me smile endlessly & I don't have interest anymore to see what was there on sale... Just want to chat with you)
Me: Ya Allah. Kenapa tak bagitau. Happy belated b'day 2 u. Patut la ada yang sama. What do I give you as a present. I feel good to reach XX. Alhamdullilah.
She: Your prayer that we will celebrate too many more birthdays in July....hehehe..till our fingers are too arthritic to sms each other. (this response make teary eyes and I lean my body on the wall..thinking & pondering & imagining to live long life. I continue with endless smile...)
Me: Ahh..yes that will b the present indeed. U brought loads of smile on my face ever since you told me yr b'day. Take care!
She: U 2.
10. Went home...drop dead on sofa. Woke up to be ready for dinner treat from a friend.
Sweet memories on my b'day...

Thursday, July 20, 2006


Life can be very interesting & challenging too. When we are in certain situation sometimes we try to figure out how to survive. To begin with, we thought we could manage to survive. But in reality we have to struggle to be able to survive.

What really triggered me to write is very much related to what I had experienced being “HOME ALONE”. For the past few months, I learn a lot how does it feel to be HOME ALONE. So much that I experience & appreciate those who survive being HOME ALONE whether by choice or circumstances.

Not after I was able to speak my mind to a counsellor did I really realize & thought about the situation of HOME ALONE, the process of finishing up T and being away from the love one all bundle in one. Many friends did share with me their experiences. But I guess each of us may have some differences that we have to face. And it make a big difference if we personally talk about it face to face because the body language is also a language which tells many story behind it apart from just voices, words and metaphor.

I had two sessions with the counselor for the last 2 weeks. That was after my GP suggested me to see her first before going through any medical check-up. I suspected something was grossly wrong with me after I had this extreme lethargy and didn't seem to recover quickly. With the counsellor, I just spoke out my mind whatever the feeling, emotion et cetera. She suggested that we meet-up every week just to talk about anything or something or nothing. I found it to be very helpful. During the first session, she cried after listening me speaking my mind. I felt guilty when people cry listening to my story so I started to mix it up with the positive side and also the funny side of everything. Many times I just burst out my emotion. It feel good.

At the end of second session, I noticed that I gain more self confidence back into me and I can think much well about the whole things that clouded my mind for a while. Many things I tried to accept so that I can move on without much looking back. Not that I want to look back but sometimes it is not easy to program mind not to look back especially being HOME ALONE.

The counsellor made conclusions and I agreed with her. My current state of mind, in general is very exhausted and lonely. This caused some depression, anxiety and stress. It is normal to feel like this especially for those who have to go through this process. The challenge is how well can I manage. It is very important to have support from friend and family. In my case, I started to go back to physical activities such as walking & jogging which I left for while. With the extraordinary weather, this makes it more exciting to do. I am sharing this because I want those who have gone through similar experience with me to know that you are not alone!

Please don’t get me wrong about meeting counsellor. Not that I don’t mix around with people but I do make a choice of whom I speak my mind especially when it comes to matters related to the true feeling, emotion & life matters. I don’t burst my emotion & feeling right in front of anyone. That is just me be it good or bad. Sometimes we know that not everyone interested to listen to our story and other people also have their own to handle. At work, I focus on work related as I preferred to isolate work and personal matters. Moreover, I was in the situation which all the time my work is surrounded by man since I am in the man world. Like people said if you can’t beat them you join them. So I seek to understand and learn to be a good listener a lot.

In the case of blogging and virtual/cyber world, I found it therapeutic as most people said. But sometimes it can be difficult to manage also. Words can be interpreted with different ways. It could be misinterpreted and sometimes leads to mis-understanding. It is interesting but it can caused headache too. For the case of HOME ALONE like me, I bound to be attached to friends from blogging world who have genuine interest to what I wrote and vice versa. Some virtual friend I do become acquainted with and know more about the real person. That is really a gift to friendship.

I began writing my blog with not knowing much about the blog world. Only after my friend pointed out to me there is such an evenue. Just a place for me to write something that come into my mind, experience I had in the past and many things that I am currently experience which I want to share. Also a place where I want to be heard and to be listened to. Being HOME ALONE, the more I want to write because I have no one to talk to when I am at home except talking to myself. My brain is so busy thinking all the time. Sometimes managing a busy brain can also be a challenge. Like my supervisor told me a few months back before he got married. He said he has a bad habit. He need to record his thought before he can go to sleep. Otherwise he cannot shut-off his brain. So his wife to be has to accept his so called bad habit...

Right now, I reach to the stage that I want to take a break for a while very soon.

To those who are HOME ALONE..this is part of it I can share as I go through this experience for the last 6 months. Being HOME ALONE give me space to reflect my past, live now and plan for future...

Thursday July 20, 2006 1:30 AM

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Harrods...things that attract me!

Life matters is a never ending story...we have to deal with it as it comes. Many other interesting part of life which should not be neglected. Life goes on...

Early last month I was wondering around killing time in Harrods on the same day fetching my lil man. Did some wee shopping in the arcade.

These are the things that attract me the most...the fish market & fruits section (banana tree, mermaid, shell et cetera) ... and also anggerik..


I learned a lot by talking to people by different ways, but the most powerful thing was that I realised that it wasn't just me who felt this way. There was a bunch of other people who were in the same boat, but who were also finding ways of getting to grips with things again.

Looking ahead...

I do still find myself on the verge of getting really stressed from time to time. The difference now, I hope, is that I have a much better idea of how to handle it. To me that is the key, otherwise I'd simply have to spend a lot of life hiding away from things.

July 18, 2006


My love,

Papa told me that you asked him to take you to places we used to eat together and the bakery shop I used to buy cakes for you. Papa saw you with tears in your eyes soon both of you were there. Papa knew that you miss me much.

I smile instead of cry when papa told me. There is no point for me to be sad because I knew that you always remember me in your heart. And it means much for me as you are my inspiration and strength. But I want you to be as strong as I am. Sometimes life teach us to be survival in whatever situation we are in. I love you so much sayang...Papa will cuddle and hug you every night before you go to sleep. I want to see smile on your face!

Sunday, July 16, 2006


Yesterday was full of activities. I was in the office for several hours having a more rather productive time catching up with my writing. In the late afternoon I was invited for BBQ at friend’s house. Was there to meet many other friends and family friends. We had a good time to share the happenings among us.

The weather was extraordinary. Hot summer which everyone was waiting for. The children enjoyed playing and the adults enjoyed sharing stories while filling up stomach with chicken & lamb BBQ and typical Msian cuisine..satay & all kind of delicacies.

I enjoyed the moment and managed to get away from hectic brain thinking about my writing & life matters.

Came back home to get some rest. Laid down on sofa in the living room.Switched on TV and found the movie “UNFAITHFUL” played by Richard Gere and Diane Lane. I love Richard Gere for his sweet smile and voice. It was just enough to stare at his face making my heart drop to ground. Just being a normal human being I am. Diane Lane having such a sweet face, in the movie carried the role of a loving wife and mother to a 10 year old son.

The movie was about a woman who bumped into a book dealer in Manhattan and began a LOVE affair. As soon as suspected, her husband hired a private detective to find out the truth. This story is so trivial case of a couple with children after being married for sometime, some part of life is being neglected or not being paid much attention to keep the LOVE, TRUST, FAITH going. What catch my attention to this movie is a word from mother to her son..."no matter what happen between me and your dad, you must know that both of us love you so much..and that never change". The best part of the story was that it ended with the family back together after going through a tough ordeal.

Just cross my mind about matters related to long term relationship as a marriage couple? How faithful can the couple be? Or no matter whatever happens through out life, if they are meant to be together, they would stand the test that comes a long the way.

I believe, there is no specific answer to this… it really depends on circumstances, wishes, fate et cetera how it will end up to be…

Just my wee thot to spice up the day!

When You Say Nothing At All
by Ronan Keating

It’s amazing how you can speak right to my heart
Without saying a word you can light up the dark
Try as I may I could never explain
What I hear when you don’t say a thing

The smile on your face lets me know that you need me
There’s a truth in your eyes sayin’ you’ll never leave me
The touch of your hand says you’ll catch me if ever I fall
You say it best when you say nothing at all

Sunday, July 16, 2006 1:50 pm

Saturday, July 15, 2006

Let it out...

For a while
I stare at my T and my T stare at me
I stare at my PC and my PC stare at me
I stare at my papers and my papers stare at me
Nothing much progress

Weather is very warm unlike many other days
I want to let it out...

Brisk walking and jogging for about 40 minutes for 3 km
Smell fresh air & the greens
Come back home
Decide to dance my heart out
Accompany by Will Young’s and Aramix songs collection

I let my body and mind run wild
Follow the rhythm
Feel the move
Hear my heart beat
Feel my breathing

I let my imagination goes wild as it want to
I let my body be as flexible as it want to
As if I am on a dance floor
With my own steps

I sweat
Feel energise
Bring back positive energy inside me
I let it out...
Moments I want to treasure for being alone

July 14, 2006 8:08 pm

Friday, July 14, 2006

Do you have a quality life?

  1. Survival
  2. Love
  3. Personal Power
  4. Freedom
  5. Fun


To laugh often and love much;

To win the respect of intelligent persons

and the affection of children;

To earn the approval of honest critics

and endure the betrayal of false friends;

To appreciate beauty;

To find the best in others;

To give of one's self without the slightest thought of return;

To have accomplished a task, whether by a healthy child, a rescued soul,

a garden patch, or a redeemed social condition;

To have played and laughed with enthusiasm, and sung with exaltation;

To know that even one life has breathed easier because you have lived;

This is to have succeeded.

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

God knows I want to break free

Has it ever occur to anybody...

When seeing counsellor to vent out the brain content, the counsellor herself had tears in her eyes listening to the person need counselling express his/her thought. So where thus it leads to?

In the mind of the person needs counselling:

1) feel so good to talk it out..whatever it is
2) "God knows I want to break free" of many things at this moment left only with one thing
3) Is she having her PMS also?
4) Now what do I do? Get it done with...

Wish lists:

1) Being pampered from head to toe at places such as Purisanthi Saloon (sheila's) in Damansara for at least 3 hours; body massage, milk bath, hair treatment etc etc..
2) Foot Reflexology at Nuri Reflexology in Medan Mara
3) Outdoors activities..such as jungle tracking or climbing mount kinabalu once more
4) Being in the arm of the love one and do whatever one's wishes
5) Sing & dance my heart out
6) Tasting those mouth watering food
7) Surrounded by those lil kids who I can play with
8) Be with family & friends I miss much and meet the new one

Must not skip:
1) Loads of exercise..back to Yoga & pilate, walking, jogging and gym
2) Eat right
3) Sleep sufficent to re-energise
4) Keep "positive affirmation" all the time.

God knows I want to break free...


Mental Note:
Right timing is so critical for a human being called woman which has similar experience with me. During hormone imbalance everything can go haywire. At least half of the brain is dead. Become so irrational and so much of negative thots. The whole system almost down. The brain and body don't talk to each other until the the damn is burst. Then it takes a couple days to get back on track. It gets worst when there is so much to deal with. The feeling is to have someone to cuddle, hold hand and guide me what to do and how to even think. At least I understand how my body work during this tough time. Ahhh... I want to be alive and get a life again!

Monday, July 03, 2006

Will be back...

Thanks to all my friends. I am too occupied and I could not make any entry for a while. Will be back when time permitted. Love all of you out there.

Have a wonderful life ahead to all.

Anggerik Merah July 03, 2006

Sunday, July 02, 2006

My one moment in time

A Reason - A Season - A Lifetime

Republish entry of Oct 23, 2005

Someone forwarded this to me, which I thot very nice to share and keep..

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that person. When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually. They may seem like a god send and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrong doing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.
Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn. They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it, it is real. But only for a season.
LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons, things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.
Thank you for being a part of my life, whether you were a reason, a season or a lifetime.

Saturday, July 01, 2006


I hate to say good-bye because I know when someone stays in my heart, he or she will always be there. Far yet near.

Sending my lil man to the airport together with my beloved friend and her family yesterday, really break my heart. But I have to let it go. She for one, who always be there to hear my predicament and also introduce me the blog world. A place which I could pour my heart out and finding more meaning in life.

It is hard to really find a friend who can share the happiness & sadness. Laugh & cry together. In the blog world, I finally met many friends who knows the real me and also friends who can accept me as I am. Life is not too lonely and everyone has his/her share of journey in life. I appreciate all the friendship be it in the real world or in the virtual world.

Arriving home yesterday…I find a total emptiness which I could not describe by word. The moment I step in my flat, I close myself to the world. It is just me and myself. I felt the presence of my lil man and my beloved family friends who put up a night in my flat before leaving this place yesterday morning. My friend had accomplished her mission here. I am yet to accomplish mine.

Whatever was left in this flat from yesterday morning was untouched. The only thing that remembers about yesterday was me praying & sleeping. Waking up this morning, I thought I will be quick enough to bounce but I am still dragging myself out of my bed to the kitchen and living room. I found myself too exhausted to do anything. I still don’t know how to begin.

As soon as I got a call from baba to let me talk to lil man, I feel much better. Baba told me that lil man asked him to let him back to UK and he misses mama so much. Talking to him inject some fuel in me to keep moving. We had phone conversation several times until he falls asleep at night back home. My beloved friend send message saying that she arrived safely and mentioned lil man was fine in the flight except that he dream of me and call me in his sleep. Talking to mak make me feel better too as I don’t have to explain to her how I feel. She knows it very very well.

Somewhere in different land, another friend who can feel what I am feeling right at that moment called me. It felt so good to talk about something & many things. That is the gift to our friendship. Thanks to you my friend. You bring me smile, laugh and giggle which I temporarily lost.

About my lil man, a lot I could write ever since he spend these short precious moment with me here for over 3 weeks. But I don't have much time to write about it. He teach me about what unconditional love mean. A life lesson for me indeed.

These 3 pictures is specially dedicated to uncle Idham in Jeddah & untie Simah in Turkey who asked mama to hug lil man upon his arrival early this month. Also to other uncles and unties out there with the same wishes. Also not to forget to uncle Count who wrote entry about mother-son reunion. To uncle Count, mama & lil man went to Penicuik to bring back your old memories. Have some pics to be shared later when time permit.

Lil man with red shirt was the day he arrived in UK on June 3, 2006. Next is the last nite lil man slept with his mama on June 28, 2006. With white shirt, on the plane to London on June 29, 2006. Lil man love reading so much. He was reading novel on the plane which he collected from Blackwell bookstore. Mama started to read to him when he was 3 - 4 months old. Since then he becomes book lovers.

Friday, June 30 2006