Saturday, November 26, 2005

Snow falling...

It was snowing yesterday morning, sooo nice, beautiful and pleasant.....

Everywhere is white....

View in front of my house and from my bedroom window while snowing is falling down from the sky.

Quite early to get snow this year as compared to previous years...maybe because this is the last year for me to be here..

One good point is that my body had adjusted to cold winter much better than previous years..or maybe I am getting better in preparing myself for cold weather...

Sometimes the thought come into my mind to think if it is really a psychological adjustment or is it just physical adjustment...

Thursday, November 24, 2005

PMS........ohhhhh nooooo..

It is just in time when I need all my strength, energy, concentration to focus on what i need to do...and I have to deal with PMS Syndrome. Sometimes I m good at managing it but off late and most of the time I just feel that a lot of sleep, do nothing despite of urgency, drifting and wasting time has been the prefered choice...

The worst part is could not be bother of anything around me...Get so annoyed if people pushing me for the things that I know I need to do it but feel not in the frame of mind to do at that moment.

It is always...i stress again ALWAYS fall at the time when I need my best from me (i.e. presenting my work in the meeting attended by the gurus and those experience in the field)...and I always being seen make a fool of myself.......arghhhhhhhhhhhhhh....

I wish to change my cycle so that it does not fall during this time....Please, fellow doctors out there, help me to change my cycle...boleh ka? What to take??

Today is the worst day in a week so far on top of receiving not so good news......I hate it and at this moment I feel like to abondon what I am doing and just go back...what a loser!!!

Radio keep on announcing there will be a snow blizzard and it will be freezing tonite. It is 4 degree C rite now, but I don't feel that cold....wait until I go out there before reaching my sport car ( car sound like lorry now!!!)

Not doing much today. Leeme think...go back and forth to lab to get samples for analysis, met Prof. A to arrange for meeting with fellow colleagues who will be here next week. Then feel annoyed to my so overexcited officemate...because i need to be alone and don't want to be disturbed with foolish questions from him, like he can look up for himself rather than keep on asking me. He thot I have all the silly answer!! Simple thing like asking me while I am focusing on something... Is this yr book?, then when I stare at him, he realise that he can open the book and check if my name is there..Soory, this is not yours..he got the answer...this really make me sick! But before he left today, I talk to him nicely, and he left with smiling face...People with different character!!!

Ohh one thing, Jack came to see me in the lab, telling me that he will request for oil based heater for me so that I can use it in my office when it gets too cold...Thanks you...if not I will be freezed to death when the central heating is not working especially during weekend..

What else....reply and sent many many official emails..The one email that make my blood goes upstairs and totally upset my body was my request for extension to write up has not been approved yet..need further more proof bla bla bla..Why they did not tell me earlier...sigh... I am exhausted.. yes really.. if worst come to worst I want to bungkus, abandon and go back..that is the last thing in my mind.

Ohhhhhhhhh....what a day................heading home now...

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

Meeting Dr. X

Today I can’t focus on my work. Still feel exhausted after recovering from flu. I took a short nap. After waking up, I felt like writing what happened yesterday. There you go..

Yesterday, my ex-GM (Dr X) was here for some business trip to have a short meeting with Institute where I am currently doing my study. He is now a big shot in one of the local Universities related to company that I work with. Although I never really worked closely with him in the past except having him to approve some relevant matters when we were in the same subsidiary before, but a lot that I heard about him from his staff and colleague. But I know that he was the one involved in approving my pursuing study as the chairman of the committee. It was a blessed from Allah that I do not have to work hard to get approval for my study. I was asked if I agree (since the management want to propose my name) to it then the rest was done for me. Sometimes when thinking about it, I feel weird because others can see my potential better than what I can see myself. It could also be the case that I see my potential in career but I was not very happy in some other part of life which I think more important than building career.

Coming back to Dr. X, no matter what perception that I had on him before and knowing what is his style, I always accept the fact that people will change as they go through their life cycle or there is always a reason why people behave certain way. Similar situation is happening to me. How we perceived people before may not be true at present. Another point is that we could not judge person very well until we really get to know the person.

My powergen invited me to join meeting with Dr X together with head of department and other senior staff. While I have nothing to do with their business but I would be delighted to meet him. Receiving anyone from Malaysia here in my institute, I feel like as if bringing energy and aura from my beloved country to me. Some kind of motivation or encouragement for me to keep going and aim to get it done and be back soon…

I understood the position of people a.ka. the management of this institute as I am one of the linking point to subsidiaries within my company although I am just a student here. That is the special treatment that I receive to be a matured student.

I dressed up formal with suit since I will be involved in the meeting although I wish I could just wear jean and sport shoes to be comfortable running in and out from the lab after meeting.

While waiting for Dr. X and his staff to arrive in the meeting, Head of dept (prof. P) came to the room and said ‘Hi’ to me and mentioned that Dr. X is not here yet. I told him that he is on his way and will be arriving in 10 minutes time as I was informed by another senior staff. In the meantime, I was looking at my organiser and filled –up what I need to do and prioritise.

I heard Dr. X voice from outside and the door was opened for him by Prof. P to enter the meeting room. Before Prof. P could say anything further, Dr. X was so happy to see me and shake hand with me saying that he was happy to see me here. Of course he knew that I am here. He mentioned to others in the room that I am one of his staff when he was with my company before. He asked me in front of others including my powergen “ how long you have been here? Is it 10 years already”. That is his style. He just bluntly said whatever comes out of his mind. I smile at him and said “ Oooo…I think you really miss me a lot… not reaching 3 years yet…but close to 3 years” . The irony is that when every time I was back to KL and got involved with any company function, most of the senior staff will said that they have not seen me for ages….and asking me to be back since they needed me for projects. In my mind, I thot that I am quite lucky because I am not one of the case for OUT OF SIGHT OUT OF MIND as yet.

The meeting continued while I was just listening and my powergen sat next to me. At one point he went out for a while and he came back with his notebook so that he could do his work. I knew that he also felt bored for not so much involved in the meeting. Our part was to bring Dr. X visiting our research facilities. After the meeting, we took Dr. X and his staff to visit our research. Powergen explained what kind of research we were doing and several times he highlighted which work that I involved in and directed to me to explain further. Just before leaving the lab, Dr. X again asked me in front of powergen when I am planning to go back. Spontaneously I said “I wish I could finish now, but I can’t do that”. The third time, in the absence of powergen before getting into the car, he asked me again and I explained further what I had done and what I plan to do next. He said “don’t worry, I will inform Datuk A about your request and making sure that you have sufficient time to finish”. We then parted.

Last night, staff from the university had gathered to meet Dr. X for dinner. This also included several undergrad students from various sponsors. Dr. X also brought along his 2 sons with him. Dr. X advised the student to finish their study within time and come back to serve. He kept on stressing that it was a wrong doing for just disappearing after lots of money being spent to support the student to pursue studies here. One point that he mentioned, it is very important that everyone kept his/her faith in Allah. Don’t forget to pray as from his point of view he would not respect people who did not pray no matter how good and smart the person is. For him, that is the principle of his life where he will always asked Allah for giving him a good life, wonderful family and able to make a right decision in everything that he did in his life. What came into my mind at that time was there is no question about it. When we (especially matured student with family) are here without relatives or father and mother, not many friends around us to directly support us …we feel so lonely. Our day in and out was just doing the same thing. Most of the times we are out of touch from outside world.

The wonderful part last night was having a moment with him to talk about his children, his family, how he maintained his health and about education system and many more. I shared with him what I did everyday and some life that I went through here being student.

What I found interesting about him and of course I provoked him to share with me was that he did not push his children too much for their study and not expecting them to score the best in school. For him those are just the ticket for entering colleague. But his focus is more on preparing the kids with a good faith, a self confident and develops their natural talent for them to be able to survive in their life.

He said that he was so lucky because his wife came from very poor family yet is good in many ways in term of guiding and teaching the children in many aspect of Islamic way. His own father was a head teacher cum Imam for many years and he observed his father doing everyday although his father never pushes him to follow the same. Based on that he copied what his father used to do as a good principle of life. In term of money wise, he saved all of his money to support his children education and yet he is still blessing with comfortable life. Every year, it has been a normal practice for him to spend several thousand ringgit especially close to raya, to buy the tudung, baju and other basic necessity to contribute to old folk house for them to enjoy. A lot of sedekah for those in need…

A lot more points that he shared with me which I could not properly write here as I lost word how to describe it. All in all, I had a really wonderful time meeting Dr. X and knowing him as a person and learning from him his good practice in life. He has been blessed with so much energy and enthusiasm and more importantly he is a good father to his children. I adore his principle and I will copy into my life…

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

A lot to be written but..

After recovering from virus attack so much more that I wish to write. A lots of happenings while recovering with my flu. I thought some mystery of life has come together to fit the puzzle....

Some drafts entry are left as a tittle only because I am so occupied with my work...running around in the lab and different kind of writing..i.e. technical writing which make my fingers stop writing the entry for a while.

Will be back to share...

Saturday, November 19, 2005

My promise..

On Oct 24, 2005, I spoke my mind out on paper because of strong urge inside me to sort out what is really bothering me one by one. I need to do this so that I can move on and continue to be strong. Reading it to me is just like talking to the dead wall.

I had promised to my lil brother a.k.a. N earlier that one day I will tell him the story. Finally I did after he agreed to the conditions….I sent him this mystery of my life story bcoz I hate to leave him with curiosity and confusion as it is enough to let me confused alone. Furthermore, Ramadhan is the best month to let go all grouches, anger & frustration once and for all and moved on..and I was able to talk about it.

The ground rules were set upfront for him to agree plus several other conditions (eg. don’t get stress-up with my story… If it did then pls exit yourself from my story and do keep it to yourself as I remain as anonymous, and erase this file after you read it and finally…. can I trust you?)

The ground rules: not to get simpati & belas kasihan from him or anyone, if he want to say something he is most welcome, if not then just be silence listener, don’t have to say anything. It is fine with me..

A big release I felt inside me just to empty my thots and move on with life..

My guess is that lil brother has decided to be silence listener or exit from my story or honor the title of my email to him “ my long last email to you…” since until this moment there is no news from him….

No matter what…. his present will stay in my memory forever ....
My dear lil brother, thank you for being there to listen to my mysterious life story…. and I will continue with my life journey....

Friday, November 18, 2005

Virus attack..

Caught flu since yesterday...with headache, running nose, some slight fever, acking body.. Overdose myself with paracetamol, black seed oil, multivite, vitamin c....and hot rice with sunnyside up egg + kicap kipas udang + loads of warm water..

My body with low resistant to cold weather ..Rest in bed under two layers of duvet, several cycles of sleep and wake up and loads of silence cryinggggggggggg....

Have a lovely weekend people.....

Thursday, November 17, 2005

To lovely parents out there...

You Raise Me Up
by Josh Groban
When I am down and, oh my soul, so weary;
When troubles come and my heart burdened be;
Then, I am still and wait here in the silence,
Until you come and sit awhile with me.
You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up: To more than I can be.
You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up: To more than I can be.
There is no life - no life without its hunger;
Each restless heart beats so imperfectly;
But when you come and I am filled with wonder,
Sometimes, I think I glimpse eternity.
You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up: To more than I can be.
You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up: To more than I can be.

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

Happenings since saturday..

Back to my blog. For the last 4 days I had placed a thick shell around myself to focus on report which i have to write for several chapters and incorporated others contribution into it. At had gone thru electronic highway to several countries in the world for the owners just a couple hrs ago. The next struggle is to get the remaining work finished before meeting owners in 2 weeks time.

Came back home, swallowed 1 tablet of paracetamol then take a long breath while sitting in front of my notebook. Friends at office all look like zombies just like me after struggling to get this done. The challenging part was to explain something that has no trend...and no clue hw to interpret..nevertheless, that is what research is all about...draining brain and energy..and lots of luck along the way and have to be preservere..Pls don ask me why I pilih this profession....

Was in office since last week. Cud not remember hw many hrs I really go to sleep in a day. On Saturday, supervisor came to office to see me bcoz I promise if possible i want him to read my part before he left for spain..but obviously i cud not get it done coz of unexplainable mysterious result. Look stupid to write smthing that i donno hw to explain, cant even ketentong kering(after many days pondering and staring, alhamduliilah finally there is some way to explain it). Anyway, my powergen aka supervisor said to me don work too hard..biasalah tu memang strategy dia. The reverse psychology! Anyway, he left to me to submit reports to project owners means that I am responsible for it.. AM got no choice but to get it done. Inilah perangaiyang tak boleh ubah dari dulu. Donno how to say no!. I m glad that bloggers out there has been friends entertaining my lonely life at nite in the office. I mean I do go and blog hop..

Sunday, J came to office. He had just had his viva 2 weeks ago but not so pleasant experience as he told me. He caught me in the office on Sunday and released all his frustration, dissappointment, anger toward Powergen (supervisor) for not helping him at all to get thru his PhD. This has been donno hw many time he had told me abt this. After 5 years been here..what he got is a bitter experience that drove him depressed and felt like being used when needed, suck blood from his body then finally spit when no more needed. He was thinking of quitting from getting PhD as he has to make major correction from his thesis. I tried to motivate him not to give up until he try doing it. Honestly deep down inside me I am scared the same cud happen to me.... He has many times warned me and be able to say straight to Powergen..I always keep that in mind and always play my professional stategy of win-win situation. I hope that will be the case for me and I pray to Allah that I will survive till the finishing line.

My weekend was mainly in the office. Luckily my dear friend willing to take my son to raya invitation at one of friend's hse. Thanks so much for that. I got no choice but unhappily to forgeo the invitation.

My day to day life for the passsed week until last nite was stayed in office until 8-9 pm, came back home for dinner, slept, woke up at 2 am and drove to school. Continued writing until subuh and came back home for b'fast and mandi then the cycle continue. I survived like this for several days. Sometimes called mat kenit from office to ask his homework if he need my help plus to say *I love u and miss u*. Sorry mama canot come back early. I will make it up to you dear..

My mobile phone left without battery and my car sound like motor boat or pretending like sport car. (ada bocor kat mana tak tau since before raya, but got no time for fixing, more of if without car, I will die coz difficult to move around in this cold weather to do what I need to do). Will send for fixing before the peak of winter! One thing that I didnt do was doing groceries last weekend. I hope there is still something to eat this week..

Two nites ago, H called. He sound depressed and missed both of us. In the early morning when I was in the office he sent me SMS * I miss you so much *. I ignored and avoid talking to him too much when he called. NOt that I purposedly want to do that but obviously I have nothing exciting to say anymore. But something spontaneously came out from my mouth while responding to him * biar sampai mati pun tak apa...senang sikit...*. My state of mind is really blur and I do not want to pity myself for getting into this kind of life that I carry on..what I want is to move on with my life. Day by day I can feel that I am building a strong courage & determination inside me to move on...although the past still haunted me...slowly letting go the mystery of life..

This morning mat kenit woke up and cried for whatever reason. My guess is right that he did not complete his homework last nite. I pursuad him to show me if I cud help. Last nite he told me that he is ok and don need my help. Anyway, at last he finished it and I manage to make him laugh this morning before he left for school by showing the ugly part of my hair which I cut few days ago. I cud not stand long hair, so I took scissor and cut it myself before I cud make appointment to see hair dresser. So ada yang panjang dan ada yang pendek. Showing the state of my hair make Mat Kenit gelak terbahak2 on my improper hair cutting. What is important to me..he left school with happy mood and never failed to kiss my check, nose and forehead...say I love you and miss you..

Rite now I will need to rest for while but still need to continue the momentum of writing ( I guess I work better under pressure and when my mind is not being disturbed too much..) whatever I had done as part of my thesis meaning that there is something else that I have to sacrifice along the line....What keep me going is to go back as soon as possible to be with my mak, ayah, relatives who I miss a lot and they miss me too..I carry on...

Saturday, November 12, 2005

The beauty of nature

It is a gloomy and cold day....sitting in front of PC looking at things that does not make sence to the naked eyes and brain. Hard to explain or fail to see it.. beyond understanding.

Time is so precious but the body clock does not work at the speed of time not even at 100000 x slower than the speed of time. Mind wondering, pondering plus merapuing (Tenah, pinjam word nie ya..).

Cut out from outside world. Nobody to talk to except PC, paper and radio. Wondering what exciting life out there which not for me to enjoy at this moment of time...

Find something beautiful and pleasant to look at...These are the beauty of, calm and everything it has which hard to find while in the world of so called hectic life.

Thursday, November 10, 2005

Buzy tapi....

Warning: not very interesting to read!!

Dah habih cerita raya yang panjang lebar tu...sambung buzy lah pulak kat office nie. Last week and weekend raya sakan so..kena cover baliklah. Apapun pi jugak baca blog orang lain...Just like a must everyday whether I am under stress or not stressful.

Yesterday..missed lunch sebab tergesa2 nak siapkan data analysis for meeting petang. At the same time kena tolong layan Indonesian delegates yang datang sini for training. On top of that having several machines running experiment for me and have to visit them now and then to make sure they are doing OK. By 6 pm dan balik rumah, have dinner lepas tu paksa diri tidur because the nite before came to office at around 2 am and stay sampai morning before balik rumah for short nap and b'fast. Then drove back to office. Semalam punya cerita, plan nak datang office lagi to be nite owl. Bila jaga dari tidur at 10 pm rasa masih tak puas tidur so sambung lagi.. Punyalah kuat tidur sejak akhir2 nie. Cud be mentally or physically exhausted or dah burnt out or penyakit MALAS...

Several years back, when I was working in msia, I used to sleep in the office at least two days in a week for a couple month. The reason being only at nite I cud write several proposals, do some research on the the technology to be introduced and study what is needed to do the project plus to sell the idea as well. In addition my house is a bit distance from office and I will be wasting my time and energy on the road bcoz of traffic jam in KL. There is a set of little sofa in my office and I have small TV plus other things that I need to keep we awake to work at nite and alsi a place to sleep. Teringat macam cerita Atenah tidur kat office...But I was not doing PhD that time, just working as Project Leader cum researcher.

The interesting part was our office security guard knew that I always stay back and sleep in the office. Every nite at 2 am, he came and asked me " Puan, ok ke?". Lama2 dia curious dan tanya lebih sikit.."Puan buat apa malam2 kat sini selalu tak balik rumah?". Aku sengeh aje..dia tanya lagi.." Puan buat PhD ke??".. Aku mula tergelak dan jawab " Tak lah...saya ada banyak project kena handle sekarang, lepas tu ada lagi project baru ynag nak kena propose. Jadinya kena stay kat office malam. Masa siang asyik meeting memanjang sampai tak sempat nak membaca. Tak larat nak redah jalan balik rumah..penat rasanya. Esok pagi2 nak drive ke office lagi."...Security kata.. " Oooo gitu ke. Saya ingat Puan buat PhD...". The moral of the story..kenapa masa tu boleh tahan buat kerja malam2 dan tak tahu letih...but now when I need to do that as a student, some resistance and banyak excuses dan body is so weak. But thinking further about that, I had gone thru the worse time for the first 2 years here sampai kena macam2 penyakit yang tak pernah kena masa kat Msia. Just hoping that I cud hang on a little bit more until reaching the finishing line of my mission here..

Sambung balik cerita kisah semalam dan pagi tadi..terjaga at 2 am ...dengar angin kat luar tu bergerun sangat dengan hujan sekali... makanya setelah deperkenan oleh penyimpan mohor2 besar..maka diistiharkan sambung tidur sampai pagi...Hari nie memang segar bugar...

Pagi2 pulak kena motivate Mat Kenit buat homework. Dia nie biasalah kalau nak buat homework especially writing sentences mesti nak make sure mama dia ada kat sebelah berleter dan inject idea for him. Tapi idea mama dia tak terima langsung. Always say not a good one. But he will modify and get his own sentences at the end. Itulah antara cabaran yang ku lalui sebagai mama. Most of the time he need my attention. That is what a single kid demand from Parent. Recently Mat Kenit and I had a discussion before went to sleep,

Mama: Mat Kenit, which one is your wish? Mama go to work and see you at nite plus weekend or me stay with you all the time at home?

Mat kenit: When we are in Malaysia, do you still have to work? Why you have to work?

Mama: Of course I have to work like before. We are here also bcoz of my work. I need to pay back all the money that my company spend on me when we are here.

Mat Kenit: I wish that you are always be around at home.

Mama: You mean you want me to run around in the house and play with you.

Mat Kenit: (He giggle and smile)..Yeah...

That is so sweet of him. Every morning before he left for school he will kiss me on both chicks, forehead and nose..then followed by "I love you" and "enjoy your school". Whenever I will leave for my school first, he will say the same thing to me..or sometimes if I want to continue my sleep he will wish me "enjoy your sleep and dream"..

I am buzy tapi nak blog jugak and also blog hop here and there...

Sunday, November 06, 2005

Hari raya yang dilalui..

First raya (Nov 3, 2005)
Pagi2 bangun awal bersiap sedia nak pergi Mosque. Mat kenit buat ragam dan protest... tapi akhirnya berjaya dipujuk. Blood pressure almost go up stairs tapi sabar ajelah...Yang tak laratnya nak drive ke town dengan jalan jammed pagi-pagi hari. Walaumacamana pun pergi jugak lah.

Jalan ke town sangat slow. Memang tak sempat nak catch the first trip of sembahyang raya. Have to wait for second trip. Mat kenit dah lapar. Lepas parking kereta, konon2 nak pergi breakfast dulu, tapi terjumpa geng Msia. Dia orang ajak pergi rumah kawan dekat mosque dulu for breakfast cum beraya sementara nak tunggu second trip of sembahyang. Makan2 dulu. Lepas tu baru pergi semula ke mosque. Terpinga-pinga cari orang melayu nak pass Mat kenit sembahyang dengan orang lelaki. Lama jugak dok tercanggak kat depan pintu mosque tu. Mat kenik pun tak nampak kawan dia. Yang ramai nya Pakistani. At last nampak budak2 bujang dan pass Mat kenit kat dia orang tolong bawa adik (read: mat kenit) sembahyang. Janji lepas sembahyang jumpa kat tepi pintu mosque.

Lepas sembahyang pergi lagi kat rumah kawan2 lain pulak yang berdekatan dengan mosque. Tiga rumah kat situ. Seronok berborak2 sambil makan2. This will be the last raya dengan kawan2 kat sini. Sebelum pergi rumah no 3, aku dan kawan pergi top-up parking charge dan balik semula ke rumah nombor 2. Keluar aje dari rumah no 2 ke rumah no.3, kami dah nampak surat cinta warna merah kat depan kereta masing-masing...aisayman...kena saman pulak hari raya ni. Sebabnya parking is limited to 2 hours. Walaupun top-up tapi kereta masih tempat parking yang sama, it was considered illegal parking!!! Nasiblah apa nak buat...City council dah mintak duit raya. What a stupid system!!

Lepas rumah no 3, jalan rumah no 4, 5, 6 and 7. Kami convoy ramai-ramai. Memang meriah. The kids really enjoy and yang tua pun seronok jugak..mengiratkan silaturrahim antara kami di perantauan. Kami semua kata kita ni raya sakan mengalahkan orang kat Msia. Malam tu balik rumah hampir 12 mid-nite.

Second raya (Nov 4, 2005)
Pergi office. Buat kerja macam biasa..Malam nanti kawan-kawan yang tinggal berdekatan nak raya kat rumah pulak. Tengahari balik rumah sebab nak buat VC dengan family kat Msia. Sembang lama. Suruh my brother tunjuk gitar dia (read: tulang -tulang kat badan dia). Dia nie kurus sangat, bila puasa lagilah tinggal tulang. Setiap kali selepas puasa aku saja main2 kan dia dengan gitarnya. Bermaaf-maafan dengan mak, ayah dan SIL. Anak2 saudara pun berborak jugak. Mat kenit malu pulak, selalu hiding behind table tak nak bagi orang tengok muka dia. Everyone seems to be very happy tapi sedih jugak sebab they miss me and of course I miss raya with them also. Mak tengah pujuk Mat Kenit pasal nak balik Msia in January. Mat Kenit dengan terpaksa mengatakan OK lah..Hampir satu jam VC. Aku pun mintak excuses sebab nak pergi office semula.

Malam tu aku balik dari office 6:30 pm. My friends with their family (4 families) arrived between 7 - 8 pm. Semua makanan dah siap. Beriyani kambing + kurma dan bihun kuah resepi mak and dessert. Makan-makan dan berborak dalam conservatory dining area sampai pukul 1 pagi. Macam-macam cerita. Starting with discussion pasal our join raya gathering in 2 weeks time, pasal experience pengsan, mabuk darah, jin dan manusia dan akhirnya pasal PhD dan kerenah supervisor masing2. It was really a good release tension session for everyone. That was the adults session while the kids were in the living room with PS2 games and computer games. Bila dah sedar baru semua perasan dah hampir 1:30 am. Luckily it was weekend. Then everyone left my house.

Third raya (Nov 5, 2005)
Pagi2 lagi kepala dah sakit. Mungkin tidur lambat that morning. Bangun breakfast, lepas tu masuk duvet semula. Sejuk sangat... Pukul 1:30tengahari bangun mandi dan bersiap2 nak pergi open hall raya gathering kat town hosted my several families. Pakai baju lawa sikit dari biasa..but it was a recycle baju raya 5 years ago. Sampai saja kat hall tu ramai pulak yang tegur..lawanya baju akak...kain jenis apa...colour torquise nice colour etc...etc..Jenuh pulak dok cerita pasal baju... ni yang malas nak melawa sebab banyak soalan yang nak kena jawap..Tapi kalau tak pakai baju tu memang dok dalam closet ajelah forever kat sini. Bila lagi nak pakai.. lagipun banyak persoalan sebab all this while seldom that I wear glamourous baju. So depa agak tergezut bila tengok kakak depa nie glamour lah pulak raya tahun nie. Apapun yang pentingnya aku bahagia & gembira dan orang lain pun gembira melihat aku gembira...

Habis makan2 dan borak2 serta bergambar sana-sini...tinggalkan majlis dan singgah pergi beli barang2 sebab esok ramai yang beritahu nak mai beraya kat rumah. Since dia orang nak mai so akupun ajak sekali those yang tak pernah sampai rumah aku dan yang baru sampai sini. Bolehlah berkenalan lebih dekat. Sementara nak tunggu kedai Paki tu siapkan order ayam dan daging, aku dan Mat kenit pergi book store - Blackwell. Aku split dengan Mat Kenit to different level sebab dia nak pergi section kanak2 while aku nak pergi beli dictionary and thesaurus for him. Mat kenit aku tu memang suka buku. Kalau kat Msia, kunikuniya kat KLCC dia boleh lepak sampai 2-3 jam baca buku. So aku akan tunggu sama lah dan cari buku yang aku suka. Kadang2 sampai aku pujuk dia suruh beli buku tu instead of baca kat kedai. Most of the time dia tak nak beli. Dia suka baca aje.

Sama jugak lah kat Blackwell pun. Tambahan pulak children section kat basement with very nice little sofa for children, very cozy. Aku kata kat Mat Kenit yang aku tak tahu pun selama nie yang bookstore nie ada children section yang best kat sini. So, lain kali kita boleh datang lagi dan lepak kat sini. Mat Kenit memang happy dengan cadangan aku. Sekali lagi aku pujuk Mat Kenit beli buku cerita yang dia baca tu. At first dia tak nak beli tapi at last makan jugak pujuk aku tu. Sebabnya aku dah penat dan kepala pun dah ngap-ngap..Lagipun aku nak kena singgah kat superstore lagi beli barang sebelum balik rumah. Masa jalan -jalan sambil pegang tangan Mat Kenit aku promise kat dia yang aku akan cuba spend one day during weekend to take him around to places that he wish to go before he goes back to Msia early next year. Lately aku tak banyak spend time bawa dia keluar during weekend. Hanya setakat bawa dia pergi superstore untuk buat groceries which he got tired of it. Anyway, he will always hang around at magazine2 and book section or PS2 games and DVD section.

Malam sampai rumah memang penat sangat dan terus tidur. Dalam 9:30 pm Mat Kenit's best friend datang rumah to sleep over. Aku pun join budak2 nie camping kat living room to play PS2 games. Lepas make sure budak2 tu comfortable kat bawah and the heating is ok aku pun naik atas to my bedroom and hiding under my duvet. Aku tak tahu pukul berapa budak2 dua orang tu tidur. Biarlah dia orang enjoy their weekend nite.

Fourth raya (Nov 6, 2005)
Bangun lambat lagi. Called mak dan ayah dengar cerita pasal raya kat Msia and their get together with all relatives for BBQ ikan, udang, sotong etc. Everyone really missed me because normally my other cousin and I were the one yang selalu organised for the BBQ gathering. Everyone cud not wait for me to come back next year. ..I missed them all as much as they miss me...

At around 11:00 am. The sibbling of Mat Kenit's friend came to join the boys party. I prepared them breakfast..Toasts with baked bean and scrambled egg. Everyone beratur with their plate while I served them. Seronok sebab rasa macam kat sekolah asrama lah pulak. Riuh rendah rumah aku dengan budak2 3 orang nie. Lepas makan aku suruh semua bawa their plate to the sink then they can continue playing in the living room. Aku pulak potong ayam dan daging nak masak untuk kawan2 yang nak datang beraya kat rumah petang ni. Nasib baik kepala aku pun dah ok dah hari nie. Lepas masak then set everything kat dining. Tunggu punya tunggu depa tak sampai-sampai lagi. Other friends yang duduk berdekatan semua call rumah aku tanya samada ada yang dah sampai. Aku cakap tak ada pun lagi.

Tak lama lepas tu..baru lah dia orang sampai. Semuanya ada 5 family datang sekali. Tiba-tiba rumah aku penuh dengan orang dan budak-budak berlari-lari atas dan bawah. Seronok rasanya. Macam kenduri lah pulak. Aku fikir makanan banyak sangat takut tak habis. Alhamdullliah semuanya hampir habis..quite good estimate. Aku buat bihun kuah resepi mak lagi. Mulanya plan nak buat nasi ayam tapi change plan sebab fikirkan yang nak datang tu dah tentu sehari suntuk makan heavy food for raya. So lebih baik buat something light. Lagipun we will have join raya gathering next 2 week. Akhirnya yang datang semua kata sedap makan bihun kuah tu sebab dia orang dah tak larat makan typical makanan raya at most houses. Bila dapat sup panas semua happy tambahan pulak kat luar tu sejuk. Budak2 pun suka makan. Alhamdulillah..

Aku tak dapat berborak sangat sebab nak tengok mana yang tak cukup nak kena tambah. Tapi in - between tu sempat jugaklah berborak sikit2 berkenal mesra dengan family yang baru datang sini dan yang tak pernah sampai rumah sewa aku. Since this will be the last raya kat rumah nie, so masing2 ambik gambar kenangan. Lepas tu dia orang pun beredar dari rumah aku ke rumah kawan2 lain pulak..

Lepas kemas2 aku pun masuk bilik dan tulis entry nie.

Tomorrow will go back to my day to day life at office..tons of work to do..and sometimes cud not priotise...I will sort it out again and back to my time management skill. Sejak beberapa bulan yang lepas semuanya hancur... And plan to go back to gym and yoga session to keep my brain and body working..Insyaallah..

Begitulah serba sedikit kisah raya ku disini..

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

Day of my life

Nov 2, 2005; 13:59

Tomorrow raya. I am at my office. Do nothing..listening to music. Non productive day. Alots of wishes coming in and out for raya. My body is so acking, feel as if it will break up into pieces and as if I will catch cold. All my joints are painful. It has been a long time since I last catch cold...and I have so much to catch up. I hope I will not fall sick again because it will take ages to get back to normal again..

Looking and seeking for something to get my mood up to the sky. People around me live a normal life with studies and works. I hope I will get better and will be happy to celebrate raya as well as catch up with work. Oh..please ...I cud not afford to be sick now...

Day of my life..

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

What's your place in the family?

This article was extracted from one of the online newspaper.
What's your place in the family?

YOUNGER children perform dramatically less well at school than elder brothers or sisters, according to a major new study. And that's not the only effect that your place in a family's "birth order" has on your life...

For obvious reasons, he gets much more attention from parents than other children do and is particularly likely to be spoilt by his mother. His lack of a family playmate tends to make him self-sufficient, but never having to compete for parental attention can make him self-centred. He has good self-esteem, but can be poor at forming relationships and that can lead to problems of loneliness. Best marital partner would be an eldest sister of brothers, because she would have learned how to give him the attention he needs. Least compatible marital partner would be an only child, girl, because both are egocentric.

She will derive all her emotional support from her mother and father, leaving her permanently wanting to please authority figures. She may also be prone to anorexia, due to a tendency to incorporate male expectations of competitive performance from her father, who had no son. There is some evidence that an only daughter is more masculine than other women and she can find it more difficult than other women to forgo her own needs for a male partner, but is most likely to fall for a father figure. Because of lack of experience with younger siblings, she finds it hard to learn to be a mother. Best partner would be an eldest brother of sisters, because she won't resent his tendency to take the lead.

He enjoys taking on weaker opponents. He identifies with authority and is often the first one to notice when a person in power is not as strong as he appears, and will try to take over. An eldest brother of brothers may lack ability in the more feminine areas of social skills and forgiveness. If the next child is a daughter, he can be jealous and resentful. But he can be shy with women and treat them as if they are boys. He may prefer women who are a bit tomboyish. Best partner would be a youngest sister - she will know how to deal with his bossiness.

When she has only younger sisters, she likes to give orders and take care of the fine details in projects. She attaches herself to male authority figures, because this replicates her relationship between her father and younger sisters. She can have perfectionist tendencies and be prone to eating disorders. When she has brothers as well as sisters, she learns to adopt a mothering role early and her leadership style is gentle; she is good at being in charge of men in an unobtrusive manner. Her best partner is a youngest brother of sisters: he will have learned to cope with a dominant female.

The youngest boy in a family of boys is more likely to have feminine tendencies because the mother wishes for a girl. He may find his own children a threat to his relationship with his wife and will find it difficult to get used to the father role. He may seek counselling at some stage so that someone will, at last, listen to him. Best marriage partner: eldest sister of brothers. If he has mixed elder siblings, he will not be very ambitious and will not like detail - but he will like to be mothered.

She is most likely to have difficult children. These women like to make a show of being independent, but really need others to guide them. If she has elder brothers she can be a bit spoilt, expecting men to look after her. These women tend to be very feminine. If she has mixed older siblings she will be good at attracting men - but she can be overly dependent on them. Her best partner is the eldest brother of sisters.

With an older sister, he is likely to be more intellectual and cultured than if he had a more masculine influence. He tends to have wider interests than many men. Middle-born men are often good talkers and popular with women. The second-born boy is constantly striving for superiority but can be left with a feeling of never quite making it, no matter how successful he becomes. Research has found athletes are often middle boys, particularly with an older brother. His best partner is the oldest sister of brothers.

If she has an older sister, she may be very competitive with her - particularly in trying to show who can be most caring towards a younger brother. Trying to wrest her father's attentions away from either older or younger siblings means she seems too demanding. She will have wide interests and will want to dominate men if an older sister has given her confidence in the female role. Best partner: youngest brother of brothers.
How true do you think this generalisation?