Friday, October 21, 2005

Part 8...akhirnya


September 19, 2005

Dear CS,

My promise to myself (which is sometimes difficult to keep..but I will try to the best of my ability) :

1. Not to communicate with him unless he did first. The reasons:
a) let him be the one who think and remember me so that I don’t get too excited waiting for his reply if he did not..
b) save cost of phone bill (saja aje letak reason nie sebab nak cukupkan 2 reasons at least for each justification)

2. Not to send email to him…unless he did first then I will reply. The reasons:
a) To discontinue writing novel to him which I am not sure he like it or hate reading it… so that I don’t waste my time and his time
b) I have my blog to talk to myself and only CS yang tahu siapa saya…and of course finding new friend blogger yang sudi menerima saya seadanya..
c) He knows where to find me if he need me as a friend..

3. From the bottom of my heart, I had already accepted him as my little brother and I am his big sister (starting this week (sept 19,2005)..after blog hopping extensively)..whether he likes it or not…(I don’t care what he think..). The reasons:
a) Don’t want to accept as friend bcoz…thinks cud still turn up side down again.
b) He is younger than me…my first impression…younger than me less mature…takes a lot to proof, although in some cases he is more mature than me
c) Most importantly he is husband orang, never in my life to spoil others good or bad relationship

Thanks you CS for being there for me and your crystal ball is so useful!!!... I really appreciate what you had done to me...being a shoulder to cry on...and remember that I am always there for you to lend my shoulder when you need one....
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Disaat dan ketika ini, kenangan manis yang ku lalui yang sebahagiannya masih didalam ingatanku sedikit demi sedikit aku harapkan akan terkubur didalam diary blog ku ini. Aku pasrah segala apa yang ku lalui dan aku merasakan aku lebih mengenali diriku, menyayangi diriku dan memahami siapa aku yang sebenarnya dan aku hidup kembali setelah lama terkujur mati tapi bernyawa..

Akhirnya....

Ya Allah,
aku seorang hambaMu yang lemah
tidak tertanggung dugaanMu terhadapku
terlalu berat untuk ku hadapinya
Aku bersyukur kepadaMu
menemukan insan yang suci dan mulia
yang sehati & sejiwa denganku
namun ku harus biarkan ia berlalu
bagai debu berterbangan ditiup angin
Ya Allah
kepada Mu aku memohon
tunjukkanlah aku kejalan yang Engkau redhai
lindungilah diriku
hambaMu yang masih berpaut didahan yang terlalu rapuh
mencari-cari tempat bergantung
meneruskan sisa hidupku
sebelum aku dipanggil kembali oleh Mu
Anggerik merah (Oct 16, 2005)
The end of the story..
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PERSOALANNYA:
1) Adakah aku bersalah memiliki perasan begitu?
2) Adakah aku memilih jalan yang terbaik untuk menguraikan dugaan yang aku tempuhi?
3) Apa yang harus aku lakukan sekiranya N tidak dapat menerima pendirian ku? Harus aku terus lari darinya?
I really appreciate whoever read this story of mine could provide your honest opinion concerning the above or general comments ...

12 comments:

atn said...

yes N could be escapism from yr unhappy r/ship with H (sorry if i presume too much). i think u r rite by trying to forget him, kalau dia single lain citer but u have to think of his wife and kids too. how can we build our happiness based on somebody else's sorrow. yes even tho i have never met you, i can sense that yo are 1 strong lady. i am confident that you can make it. i guess i am using this line too much but i truly believe that ujian Allah comes in different shapes for different ppl. like my mak would say *bhg memasing* Allah Kareem. count me as another shoulder ok, peluk cium, atn

RojakBuah said...

dah habis citer....nk kata happy ending tak gak..nak kata sedih tak gak...mcm mana ekk...apa2 pun hope AM tabah & be more stronger...blog kan ada..."i'll will survive", first lagu org putih I dgr dlm taxi kt sini, tujukan kt AM....

anggerik merah said...

Atn,
Thanks. I am glad to have you and this blog world as another shoulder to cry on. Yes, I accept all that happen in my life ialah dugaan for me..I m trying hard to keep going and be strong. Lots of luv to you too..

rojakbuah,
We are the survival of the fetus..yes, I like that song..Thanks. just like injecting happy hormone/motivation into my body when listening to it.

Kak Lady said...

Alahai Anggerik...dah banyak sambungan cerita tu ke..? Dah lamanya kak lady tak masuk..sibuk...nantilah..nak baca blog anggerik ni kene take one peaceful day...yang takde gangguan sebab nak concentrate...skrg ni kak lady tgh sibuk..maklum nak raya..nak menjahit berkemas...buat kuih (ni belum pikir nak buat lagi)..heheh..apa-apa pun keputusan Anggerik dlm menangani masalah yang dihadapi kak lady rasa anggerik sudah cukup tabah & matang untuk melakukan yang terbaik untuk diri anggerik & mereka-mereka yang anggerik sayangi...& seandainya keputusan yang diambil bukan lah datang dari hati tapi mungkin anggerik ade sebab-sebab tertentu melakukannya...dan kak lady rasa anggerik seorang yang tabah dan boleh menghadapi segalanya...ada hikmah di sebalik aper yang tersirat....Insyaallah...moga anggerik akan menjadi lebih kuat menghadapi aper saja dugaan yang akan datang...& kak lady sentiasa doakan kebahgian anggerik...AMIN

anggerik merah said...

Kaklady,

Thanks for the doa. Don't worry this entry will be here. Hari raya pun tak tak lama lagi..I hope to be back for next raya in Msia. Love you.

AuntyN said...

Anggerik : that was the soundest and best decision that you have taken. I am proud that you have taken such step. Lepas ni doa dan tawakal saja lah. Be strong..

anggerik merah said...

AuntyN,
It started with desparately mencari kawan nak release tension tapi somehow that feeling yg dolu2 tu masih ada tertinggal rupanya.

Anyway, I had my resolution and my wish is that before I get to my 40's, i will try to leraikan all (if not some) that are hindering me to move forward in life with the help of Allah and fellow bloggers yg sudi mendengar cerita saya & give me courage to go on..

AuntyN..you are one of them!.Thank you so much 4 being here.

Kak Teh said...

aaah, takkan dah habis cerita? macam finale saja..good luck in making this decision. It cannot be easy.

anggerik merah said...

Kak teh...thanks for encouraging me to write this! Ending sounds very abrupt. Cinta terlarang tak boleh diteruskan..I do think like Atn, kalau dia masih single I might continue with the story..Yes it is not easy..Luv u, Kak Teh!

Nadia said...

AM, i think yours is the first blog that i have read from start to finish (becos fresh lagi :))...and the story is just...no words to describe...as I was reading it, I tried to put myself in your shoes, to try to understand what you're feeling and why you do what you did.

I think I can understand, and my heart goes out to you for that...
to be honest at first I was shocked at what was unravelling but that's why I tried to put myself in your shoes....of course there are still questions in my mind, but I'm not going to be a busy body hehehe

I really honestly respect yg decision and insight into yourself...and i have to say...you are one sentimental person and you know...you can easily write a bahas melayu memoir with your talent :)

insyallah Allah will give you strength. hugs and lots of love..
nadia

Ely said...

AM...dah habis dah?

hmmm, i was involved with a married man once. loved it but hated it atfer 9 months. i cried each time i thought of his wife and tiny kids. he said he was going to divorce her and maybe start a new life with me....oh so tidak! if he could do that to his wife, he could do that to me in future too kan? and i believe in karma...do it upon others and it will come back to me.

i think u have made the right decision. its painful i know. but it will go away...eventually.

as for ur r/ship with H, if its bad right now, improve it, if its good, make it better. u deserve to be happy gurl.

thanks for ur wonderful novel...best lah!

anggerik merah said...

Nadia,

TQ for dropping in. Appreciate it so very much. Tak tau apa nak tulis to reply yr comment. Yes, place yrself in the person shoes is the best approach to understand who, what,how, why, when questions. Takes me a lot of courage to write my blog..like i said to AJ, I swallow and go on! Tak sekali I ask for simpati but I need people to tell me if what I did is right or wrong.Bcoz I am sure out there many that had gone thru similar things in life. I knew the questions to be clarified. Insyaallah I will write someday. Lots of love to you too.

Ely,

I guess dah habis kot novel ni. Kita tukar cerita lain..

Thanks for sharing yr previous exp. Give me a lot of insight into this kind of situation. I did read yr previous entry..I admire yr strength to carry on with yr life and be happy!!! U are right, we deserve to be happy...love u.