Part 8...akhirnya

September 19, 2005

Dear CS,

My promise to myself (which is sometimes difficult to keep..but I will try to the best of my ability) :

1. Not to communicate with him unless he did first. The reasons:
a) let him be the one who think and remember me so that I don’t get too excited waiting for his reply if he did not..
b) save cost of phone bill (saja aje letak reason nie sebab nak cukupkan 2 reasons at least for each justification)

2. Not to send email to him…unless he did first then I will reply. The reasons:
a) To discontinue writing novel to him which I am not sure he like it or hate reading it… so that I don’t waste my time and his time
b) I have my blog to talk to myself and only CS yang tahu siapa saya…and of course finding new friend blogger yang sudi menerima saya seadanya..
c) He knows where to find me if he need me as a friend..

3. From the bottom of my heart, I had already accepted him as my little brother and I am his big sister (starting this week (sept 19,2005)..after blog hopping extensively)..whether he likes it or not…(I don’t care what he think..). The reasons:
a) Don’t want to accept as friend bcoz…thinks cud still turn up side down again.
b) He is younger than me…my first impression…younger than me less mature…takes a lot to proof, although in some cases he is more mature than me
c) Most importantly he is husband orang, never in my life to spoil others good or bad relationship

Thanks you CS for being there for me and your crystal ball is so useful!!!... I really appreciate what you had done to me...being a shoulder to cry on...and remember that I am always there for you to lend my shoulder when you need one....
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Disaat dan ketika ini, kenangan manis yang ku lalui yang sebahagiannya masih didalam ingatanku sedikit demi sedikit aku harapkan akan terkubur didalam diary blog ku ini. Aku pasrah segala apa yang ku lalui dan aku merasakan aku lebih mengenali diriku, menyayangi diriku dan memahami siapa aku yang sebenarnya dan aku hidup kembali setelah lama terkujur mati tapi bernyawa..

Akhirnya....

Ya Allah,

aku seorang hambaMu yang lemah

tidak tertanggung dugaanMu terhadapku

terlalu berat untuk ku hadapinya

Aku bersyukur kepadaMu

menemukan insan yang suci dan mulia

yang sehati & sejiwa denganku

namun ku harus biarkan ia berlalu

bagai debu berterbangan ditiup angin

Ya Allah

kepada Mu aku memohon

tunjukkanlah aku kejalan yang Engkau redhai

lindungilah diriku

hambaMu yang masih berpaut didahan yang terlalu rapuh

mencari-cari tempat bergantung

meneruskan sisa hidupku

sebelum aku dipanggil kembali oleh Mu

Anggerik merah (Oct 16, 2005)

The end of the story..

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PERSOALANNYA:

1) Adakah aku bersalah memiliki perasan begitu?

2) Adakah aku memilih jalan yang terbaik untuk menguraikan dugaan yang aku tempuhi?

3) Apa yang harus aku lakukan sekiranya N tidak dapat menerima pendirian ku? Harus aku terus lari darinya?

I really appreciate whoever read this story of mine could provide your honest opinion concerning the above or general comments ...