Ambition (Childhood life to adulthood)

When I was young, I thot I grow up to be anyone of the following:

1. A teacher (obviously because my father and most of family members are teachers. I was also visualizing or role play as a teacher with my imagination of students in a classroom while I was playing alone)

2. A Police Inspector (During my childhood, most friends are boys. I played with boys…all the running around with gun and play police catching the criminal..)

3. A Town planner / an architect (I enjoyed visualising on paper by scathing houses and the town being developed and growing with all the necessary facilities…it was all on paper and the story is lingering in my mind. Only me that understand the story)

4. A Fashion designer (for two reasons: I love playing “anak patung kertas” DIY and all the clothes plus accessories also DIY. This gave me the flexibility and creativity in designing the fashion. Another reason, until I grow-up, I always love the fashion..designed my own cloth and even the my own weeding gown.. I spend tremendously on cloths and tailoring my outfit..)

5. A Singer / an artist ( I love singing since young… and took part into several competitions during school days…not only singing but also poem recitation, debate, public speaking, talentime, choir etc etc)

6. A Doctor (this is not quite my wish but it is more of family wishes…I am not very brave with blood…)

Once I passed the school life entering into real life, I was offered none of the above. I was offered a scholarship for overseas degree to either learnt to be an Engineer or Biochemist/Chemist.. As a kampong girl, I feel that Engineer is not quite suit for ladies, so I opted for Biochemist/Chemist.

In a way, I thought was lucky that I was not offer for Medicine. Maybe I am not qualified to study medicine or the company is very much in need of the two disciplines. If I was offered to study medicine..it was all because a family wish but not my wish. Reflecting those days and growing-up to be who am I, definitely I can’t be a good doctor because I don’t have that much of patient and scared of blood or rather psycho by blood. I need things to go fast and fast. I will kill more people rather than saving their life…grin..

Coming back to accepting to be Biochemist/Chemist… I had no clue what would my career be at that point of time. Chemistry sound as if only one subject that we learnt from form 4 to 5 and continue learning during college. Honestly, I just followed what had been the choice given to me. All I knew, studying abroad was something move me as I love to travel since I was a kid. I was one adventurous person. I love doing something new and seeing new places once in my life. I guest Allah had destined me to be that way. I will get bored doing the same thing after 3 years. Hence, searching new area would make my life more interesting.

As I grow into adulthood, I continued my education in Chemistry for post graduate study since the scholarship was offered to few of us rather that came back to work..i.e no work during recession in late 80’s. I tailored my post-grad study into area of which my expertise would be needed by the company when I completed it. It turned out to be that way after I cam back to work. Still upon my return, recession was continued and I was only paid RM500 by the company through internship program.

Living in KL with RM500 was hard life. I searched job offers in the newspaper. Definitely my application was turned down by chemical plant since I had no experience working. I was only managed to be interviewed as a Chemistry lecturer for prep student to overseas. Honestly, I have no confident that I can be a lecturer. Not that I was afraid that I can’t do it but honestly I felt inferiority complex with students physically bigger than me .. Grin…But with no choice and for the sake of survival I had forces myself to go through the interview. It was not an easy interview with 9 interviewees kept on coming with continuous questions and I had to really answer them instantly. No time to think anymore. Means it has a real and honest answer.

Allah had planned it for me that I was also a lucky one being selected to the second stage of the interview session which again tougher than the first one. If I could recall they were only looking for 3 or 4 candidates out of 10. While waiting for my turn, I had opportunity to talk to other candidate. Most of them had been in teaching line for some years. I was thinking in my mind that I just had to enjoy this interview and not giving a high hope for me being a lucky candidate.

My inner thought about being inferior with my petite size to be a lecturer was really also came to the thought of the interviewees. I didn’t expect that was the last questions they asked me… Being petite in size, do you think that you will get bullied by students? With confident as I sounded through my voice..I said…”size does not matter…what is important is the talent and skill that one has. I do not think that would be a barrier for me to be a lecturer although physically I might be smaller than most students”.

Perhaps my tone of voice really convinces them I am the right candidate although I have zero experience in teaching. I got the job offer for teaching after the interview session. Honestly, my inferiority complex remains. But, again surviving during economic down turn given me no choice but to grap whatever come first. After discussing with my immediate boss in the company that I got the job offer, he holds me back with the promise that he wanted to absorb me as a permanent staff. I had to turn down the offer and soon after that I was absorbed as a permanent staff for Chemical Engineer’s position.

Starting from that moment, I grow my career in the company based on some skill and talent Allah had given me to survive in this world. When I reflected, it was really not something that I envisioned to be from the beginning during my childhood. However, every bit and pieces come together like a jigsaw puzzle to prepare me for what I will be in the future as far as career is concerned.

During early days in my career, we went through induction course and leadership course etc to prepare us to sail through with the growth of organization. I remembered when I was provoked about my future, I instantly said I wish to be a consultant in my area of expertise. That was something that I envisioned myself to be in very far future. I have no clue why I said that.

As I sail through the organization, I had always had opportunity to do what I used to do or imagine during my childhood. I had the opportunity to travels to many places in the world, to sing at some event just for fun/entertainment, to present, speak, facilitate and teach at various events, to be a consultant to relevant discipline related to area of my specialization, to lead various new projects etc etc… I had done what I was expected to do with the right talent I had in me.

After 12 years being in the company, I was finally accepted the scholarship offer for another higher degree. I accepted the offer after 3 years being proposed… It takes that long for me to decide due to various reasons. It was another turning point in my career and life as a whole. Pursuing the degree in engineering which takes me loads of thought if this is really what I want to do in my career life. Again, people said the opportunity doesn’t come very often. With all encouragement and support from bosses and colleagues, I pursue this journey which to me…many trial and tribulation that I had to undergo. It changes me as a person and it change my perception about many things in life which is difficult to define. The journey still continues….

Now that I had been back to join workforce, three years had passed… the cycle come back for the opportunity and ways for me to grow and continue sailing with organization… another turning point which I am still debating inside me….and with HIS guidance to chose and accept the right path. The path that can bring me closer to him and barakah in all my doings…as I realize life is too short and everyday we are closer to the end of life.

That is what ambition during childhood to adulthood takes me through my journey..

Was it really an ambition or was it the path that HE had planned for me?

p/s this entry is not been proof read. Apologise for English and sequence.

Anggerik merah
December 29, 2009
5 pm