The happenings

Life has been on the fast and unpredictable plan again. I guess that is what we call life is a journey. After coming back from Beijing, I had to bear with swollen joints and painful muscle. It was really unbearable. The whole body was so painful. I tried to ignore and fight. My movement is very limited. Obviously It didn’t help just to ignore and fight. I decided to swallow Celebrex for 3 nights in a row. The swollen fingers reduced and the pain lessens. However, I noticed some other side effect of the chemical which can be very deteriorating. I have trouble breathing as if I had asthmatic attack. Chest pain is unbearable. And I stopped relying on the chemical.

At the same time, ayah had to undergo minor surgery for “pastula” to get him prepared for dialysis. I knew mak wished me to be there. I booked a flight for 2 days back to home town to attend to my family for moral support. I was so extremely tired but the fight and the push was there for me to stay up on my feet ignoring my body pain. With 2 days unplanned/emergency leave; I ended up entertaining my official email and making arrangement for meeting etc while I was at the hospital waiting for ayah’s surgery. Not only that I had to take care of office phone call. Life must go on….

Spending 2 days at my hometown really a blessing.. I felt time just went so very slow and very relaxing. A moment with immediate family members having breakfast together was really a treasure for me.
Flying back to KL and up on my feet with work demand, put me back on busy life. I had almost forgotten the pain…or in fact I ignore it. In fact it is still there. During weekend, I went for massage hoping that the pain will subside. It was subsiding for a while and came back to haunt me.
The best part of last weekend was a birthday celebration of my big man at Kunang-kunang restaurant. We were there till mid-night to enjoy the life band and let the time pass.

So many things in my mind..About change of work place/career path, family, life commitment… all come at the same time.. I swallow and move on…and pray for the best… Perhaps more smiling would helps to balance the stress on life journey…

The happenings

Anggerik merah
January 25, 2010
8:16 pm

The first trip of the year

View from my hotel roomBird nest

I was in Beijing for almost a week. Obviously for business trip. Mission accomplished. Was glad to meet some of my Chinese colleagues whom I met many times in the past. Apart from business visit, he had sometime to have a quick look at Tiananmen square and the front gate of Forbidden City in the midst of Beijing cold weather. Tiananmen Square

The weather in Beijing was extremely cold. Ranges from -5 to -16 degree C. I had forgotten about cold weather for a while. Before leaving for Beijing, I had trained my mind not to think about it. Being a fibromyalgia sufferer, I know the weather change will hit me. Yes, I managed to get through it until I arrived home. Then I had to deal with intense pains of my joint and muscle mainly my fingers and feet. I felt almost cripple as I had difficulty to do things, to walk etc. Finally, I had to take the medicine to help me reduce the inflammation and pain. There goes my weekend…and the experience of my first trip of the year.

Will be back for holiday with family during summer.

Anggerik merah
January 17, 2010

A new year re-union, welcome 2010

A new year re-union with both lil and big man. Both were away for while from our lil house for holiday and work. Obviously the house was far too lonely without a complete family members around.

I was out to pamper myself at Jentayu Spa from morning till noon. Feel good and energise.

Good bye 2009 and welcome 2010.

Anggerik merah

January 2010
9 pm

A journey continues…

Browsing through my blog for the memories captured during year 2009, I reflected what a learning point was during that one year journey. The beauty of blog. Off late, my memory is not so strong to remember many things in the pass especially the happenings in recent years. Maybe my migraine gets worst. My focus is mainly at the moment of time. Take one a day and handle as it come.
Thank you Allah for giving me chance to taste the sweet and the bitter bit of life. For giving me all the strength that I need. Experience is a teacher of life. I accepted all the challenges and teaching through out my life journey. May you continue showing me and others the right direction in this journey. This journey will continue till the end.

Happy New Year 2010 to all. Best wishes in your journey.

Salam,

Anggerik merah
1 pm
December 31, 2009

Ketika cinta bertasbih

Bertuturlah cinta
Mengucap satu nama
Seindah goresan sabdamu dalam kitabku
Cinta yang bertasbih
Mengutus Hati ini
Ku sandarkan hidup dan matiku padamu

Bisikkan doaku
Dalam butiran tasbih
Kupanjatkan pintaku padamu
Maha Cinta
Sudah di ubun-ubun cinta mengusik rasa
Tak bisa kupaksa walau hatiku menjerit

Ketika cinta bertasbih nadiku berdenyut merdu
Kembang kempis dadaku merangkai butir cinta
Garis tangan tergambar tak bisa aku menentang
Sujud syukur padamu atas segala cinta

Bisikkan doaku
Dalam butiran tasbih
Kupanjatkan pintaku padamu Maha Cinta
Sudah di ubun-ubun cinta mengusik rasa
Tak bisa kupaksa walau hatiku menjerit

Ketika cinta bertasbih nadiku berdenyut merdu
Kembang kempis dadaku merangkai butir cinta
Garis tangan tergambar tak bisa aku menentang
Sujud syukur padamu atas segala cinta
Cinta...

Ketika cinta bertasbih nadiku berdenyut merdu
Kembang kempis dadaku merangkai butir cinta
Garis tangan tergambar tak bisa aku menentang
Sujud syukur padamu atas segala
Garis tangan tergambar tak bisa aku menentang
Sujud syukur padamu atas segala cinta

Ketika cinta bertasbih nadiku berdenyut merdu

Doa untuk Kak Moon

A call to ask her condition...turn to be a cry. She could not hold her tears , so do I while hearing it from her, after she told me that the cancer had been worst than initially suspected. It has spread through other parts of her body. For now, she doesn't want to go through chemo theraphy again.

Please doa for Kak Maimon so that she could continue to be strong in dealing with her predicament.

AM

Ambition (Childhood life to adulthood)

When I was young, I thot I grow up to be anyone of the following:

1. A teacher (obviously because my father and most of family members are teachers. I was also visualizing or role play as a teacher with my imagination of students in a classroom while I was playing alone)

2. A Police Inspector (During my childhood, most friends are boys. I played with boys…all the running around with gun and play police catching the criminal..)

3. A Town planner / an architect (I enjoyed visualising on paper by scathing houses and the town being developed and growing with all the necessary facilities…it was all on paper and the story is lingering in my mind. Only me that understand the story)

4. A Fashion designer (for two reasons: I love playing “anak patung kertas” DIY and all the clothes plus accessories also DIY. This gave me the flexibility and creativity in designing the fashion. Another reason, until I grow-up, I always love the fashion..designed my own cloth and even the my own weeding gown.. I spend tremendously on cloths and tailoring my outfit..)

5. A Singer / an artist ( I love singing since young… and took part into several competitions during school days…not only singing but also poem recitation, debate, public speaking, talentime, choir etc etc)

6. A Doctor (this is not quite my wish but it is more of family wishes…I am not very brave with blood…)

Once I passed the school life entering into real life, I was offered none of the above. I was offered a scholarship for overseas degree to either learnt to be an Engineer or Biochemist/Chemist.. As a kampong girl, I feel that Engineer is not quite suit for ladies, so I opted for Biochemist/Chemist.

In a way, I thought was lucky that I was not offer for Medicine. Maybe I am not qualified to study medicine or the company is very much in need of the two disciplines. If I was offered to study medicine..it was all because a family wish but not my wish. Reflecting those days and growing-up to be who am I, definitely I can’t be a good doctor because I don’t have that much of patient and scared of blood or rather psycho by blood. I need things to go fast and fast. I will kill more people rather than saving their life…grin..

Coming back to accepting to be Biochemist/Chemist… I had no clue what would my career be at that point of time. Chemistry sound as if only one subject that we learnt from form 4 to 5 and continue learning during college. Honestly, I just followed what had been the choice given to me. All I knew, studying abroad was something move me as I love to travel since I was a kid. I was one adventurous person. I love doing something new and seeing new places once in my life. I guest Allah had destined me to be that way. I will get bored doing the same thing after 3 years. Hence, searching new area would make my life more interesting.

As I grow into adulthood, I continued my education in Chemistry for post graduate study since the scholarship was offered to few of us rather that came back to work..i.e no work during recession in late 80’s. I tailored my post-grad study into area of which my expertise would be needed by the company when I completed it. It turned out to be that way after I cam back to work. Still upon my return, recession was continued and I was only paid RM500 by the company through internship program.

Living in KL with RM500 was hard life. I searched job offers in the newspaper. Definitely my application was turned down by chemical plant since I had no experience working. I was only managed to be interviewed as a Chemistry lecturer for prep student to overseas. Honestly, I have no confident that I can be a lecturer. Not that I was afraid that I can’t do it but honestly I felt inferiority complex with students physically bigger than me .. Grin…But with no choice and for the sake of survival I had forces myself to go through the interview. It was not an easy interview with 9 interviewees kept on coming with continuous questions and I had to really answer them instantly. No time to think anymore. Means it has a real and honest answer.

Allah had planned it for me that I was also a lucky one being selected to the second stage of the interview session which again tougher than the first one. If I could recall they were only looking for 3 or 4 candidates out of 10. While waiting for my turn, I had opportunity to talk to other candidate. Most of them had been in teaching line for some years. I was thinking in my mind that I just had to enjoy this interview and not giving a high hope for me being a lucky candidate.

My inner thought about being inferior with my petite size to be a lecturer was really also came to the thought of the interviewees. I didn’t expect that was the last questions they asked me… Being petite in size, do you think that you will get bullied by students? With confident as I sounded through my voice..I said…”size does not matter…what is important is the talent and skill that one has. I do not think that would be a barrier for me to be a lecturer although physically I might be smaller than most students”.

Perhaps my tone of voice really convinces them I am the right candidate although I have zero experience in teaching. I got the job offer for teaching after the interview session. Honestly, my inferiority complex remains. But, again surviving during economic down turn given me no choice but to grap whatever come first. After discussing with my immediate boss in the company that I got the job offer, he holds me back with the promise that he wanted to absorb me as a permanent staff. I had to turn down the offer and soon after that I was absorbed as a permanent staff for Chemical Engineer’s position.

Starting from that moment, I grow my career in the company based on some skill and talent Allah had given me to survive in this world. When I reflected, it was really not something that I envisioned to be from the beginning during my childhood. However, every bit and pieces come together like a jigsaw puzzle to prepare me for what I will be in the future as far as career is concerned.

During early days in my career, we went through induction course and leadership course etc to prepare us to sail through with the growth of organization. I remembered when I was provoked about my future, I instantly said I wish to be a consultant in my area of expertise. That was something that I envisioned myself to be in very far future. I have no clue why I said that.

As I sail through the organization, I had always had opportunity to do what I used to do or imagine during my childhood. I had the opportunity to travels to many places in the world, to sing at some event just for fun/entertainment, to present, speak, facilitate and teach at various events, to be a consultant to relevant discipline related to area of my specialization, to lead various new projects etc etc… I had done what I was expected to do with the right talent I had in me.

After 12 years being in the company, I was finally accepted the scholarship offer for another higher degree. I accepted the offer after 3 years being proposed… It takes that long for me to decide due to various reasons. It was another turning point in my career and life as a whole. Pursuing the degree in engineering which takes me loads of thought if this is really what I want to do in my career life. Again, people said the opportunity doesn’t come very often. With all encouragement and support from bosses and colleagues, I pursue this journey which to me…many trial and tribulation that I had to undergo. It changes me as a person and it change my perception about many things in life which is difficult to define. The journey still continues….

Now that I had been back to join workforce, three years had passed… the cycle come back for the opportunity and ways for me to grow and continue sailing with organization… another turning point which I am still debating inside me….and with HIS guidance to chose and accept the right path. The path that can bring me closer to him and barakah in all my doings…as I realize life is too short and everyday we are closer to the end of life.

That is what ambition during childhood to adulthood takes me through my journey..

Was it really an ambition or was it the path that HE had planned for me?

p/s this entry is not been proof read. Apologise for English and sequence.

Anggerik merah
December 29, 2009
5 pm