Hakikat kehidupan

To all,

please extend your prayer and dua for Dr Hasanah's friend/patient so that she could continuosly be strong to face her predicament. Please read here.

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I was at HUKM on Sunday together with mak and ayah visiting my relative who was diagnosed with bone cancer. My first time at HUKM and also my first time after many years visiting cancer ward. The visit really left me my many thought about “hakikat kehidupan (fact of life)”. Seeing some who had to go through such a tough ordeal in life really break my heart and cut me deep inside. My relative, he is a school teacher with 3 small kids. He is very lucky to have a wife who has to keep shows strong courage to be at the husband side.

The patient just at the opposite side of my relative’s bed is not doing too well. She is a breast cancer sufferer. Had her last cycle of chemo and she is struggling and battling with her life. Her children and relative are around her to read surah Yassin to provide her the strength and comfort. I just can’t take off my eyes away from seeing her. I feel weak on my knee but I stand still to keep my courage seeing her suffering. My mind was traveling long way and every corner of thought about the fact of life and how Allah tested us with many different ways. At the time when sometimes we forgot about his existence and forgot that HE is the ultimate answer to our life. I am reminding myself of many times that I just take things for granted in remembering and devoting myself to HIM.

My photographic memory really left me which continuous thought of some close friends who have to go through similar ordeals. Sometimes I just don’t know how to behave and what to say whenever I meet these friends. All I know is to say SABAR, TAWAKAL & BE STRONG.

I called my officemate’s house today to let her know that I plan to stop over at her house after work to visit her. Her mother picked up the phone and she told me that my friend was warded to at the hospital again today to do some injection of medication on her other breast. I had a long chat with her mother…more of listening to what she is expressing about her daughter’s ordeal. Deep down in my heart, I feel so sad but I keep my courage up to also support her mother in return.

I came home and feel very exhausted. Maybe because of my first day of menses. And it was raining outside. I decided to postpone my visit to her house tomorrow since I feel like I am not physically fit. After dinner, I dropped myself on the bed and woke up at 2 am to refresh. At this hour, my thought goes to some blogger friends who I had been close with in my heart even if we never met each other in person…

What more…after glancing through my beloved blogger friend, HAS, blog entry here, I kept on reading it many many times and could not figure out if it is she or her patient. I wish that I could fly right at this hour to see her. My conversation with Dr Hasanah today confirm that the second portion of the story is about her friend who is now in the ward.

To all who come over here and drop by, please pray and dua for Dr. Hasanah's friend/patient so that she could be continuously strong to face her predicament…

Anggerik merah
4:30 AM,
January 29, 2008

The return of IRON LADY

Where am I….

I was back from Negeri Dibawah Bayu last week, after 4 days being there to:

1. networking with Norwegian counterpart
2. renew relationship with those in he company
3. socializing (i.e lepak at Pasar malam with Ikan bakar together with old friends, lepak at Magellan Sutera harbour lounge to continue exchange the happening)
4. singing “Chan Mali Chan” together with several colleagues to pay back the courtesy of Norwegian sang their folk song.
5. boat cruise to chase patches of sunset and enjoying seawater wave and cooling wind
6. digging/tapping/exchanging/sharing technical knowledge with counterpart to explore mutual area of collaboration
7. lead the discussion and present the outcome of break-out session
8. sleep with panadol when needed at night
9. internet/email – hideaway for 4 days (seriously I didn’t check my email…)
10. shopping pearls, brooch, the goodies (udang kering, sotong kering, ikan kering…all the kering things pack in a box)

Why the return of Iron lady?

Because that is what they called me before…some says that I had changed to be different after about 4 months I am back home…then I am back to my used to be me. Personally I would feel that I am different from my used to be IRON LADY…this is a new IRON LADY because:

1. I am not as perfectionist as I used to be
2. I spend more on EQ part (brother Idham had written interesting topic on leadership)
3. I could take things in more relaxing mood rather than rushing
4. I can’t work extra mile as I used to be. My body can’t take it anymore. I have to stop when the signal indicate I need to stop. I value my health above all that I need to accomplish
5. I don’t take myself too serious…I did huha quite a lot to de-stress especially with those who love to huha
6. I am still diplomatic as I used to be and I stick to my opinion unless someone tell me it is wrong to say or do so.
7. Most importantly and the most valuable one, I gain back my memory. For some months in the past I didn’t realize that I had lost it.

Above all, to HIM I pray for guidance to lead my life as a humble human being…

The sad story…the first night I arrived at the hotel, I was about to experience that depressing state…I cried and cried to let go…my body shivered. This was triggered by my bos’s sms on some issues during my traveling to Negeri Dibawah Bayu. I told my friend that this is really spoilt my day. But I will not let it conquer me. I don’t want to be pressured by that and I don’t want to be back in the state of depression. It will do no good to me and to anyone. We strive based on our capability and limit. Beyond that if it is damaging, we better stop and take a step back. Anyway, that is life…a mix of happy and sad stories..

Sometimes it is good to be IRON LADY, if not then people will just take advantage of us at work just to meet their KPI..

That is some insight of "the return of IRON LADY" from my experience..

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BTW...I almost forgot...

Today is my BIG MAN's b'day ...the XX year. When can I write about him? The passionate, sensitive, patient and loving significant half... Probably enough said about him..

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DARLING.

I LOVE YOU

THANK YOU FOR BEING PART OF MY LIFE

I wrote...

So many times that I attempted to write about some part of my life journey especially my childhood and my early education.. But my finger just don’t feel like clicking about it. The time when I have loads of idea to write about it is really when I am driving or somewhere else. My plan is to have my personal recorder ready all the time so that I could still download my thought while driving etc.

Right now I am reading “Life is an Open Secret” by Sis Zabrina. Very very interesting piece of writing…it has become my bedtime story or while I am massaging my foot before going to bed or after waking up in the morning. A moment which I am with my own mind…alone.

Now is 12:40 am. I can’t sleep, so I thot that I had better do my work to cover my traveling time and away from office next week. This year will be a quite full of activities for me at work as I am supposed to get the project proposal kick-off and get the funding. Sometimes I wish that I had that moment alone, peace in my mind which I used to experience during my student life. One thing I realized is that offlate even my mind is up to the speed but my body resists so much. Maybe I am still not fully recovered from flu which attacks me since before New Year. I pray to HIM that I am back to normal state. Much that I want to accomplish for both in this world and thereafter. What I need is a strength and good health…. And blessing from HIM.

A challenging working life is what I have to face everyday. I have to be on my toes all the time. That in a way shapes me up to be somewhat extrovert, critical, questioning and always has something to express what I think. I am seeing myself back to what people used to call me… IRON LADY. In the midst of my not so strong physical fitness, I trained my body to keep building strength through cycling. Weekend is the time for me to do that. At least 10 km/day has been my target.

Next week I will be going back to the state which I left some beautiful memories during part of my teenage life and school time. Negeri Dibawah Bayu… that is.

My eyes cannot open anymore now. I better go and rest and wake up fresh in the morning to live my life for another day. Insyaallah.

Sleepless night

I came back from office quite late today. I was revising report drafted by one of the junior staffs, attached to me for training. About this young lady...She is from Vietnam, converted to Islam during her education in the local university. She is married to Egyptian man who is also working in the same company. Very soft and lovelylady..

About the report, I spend many hours to add on, reshuffle, correct the report in the midst of many colleagues came by to my office for many reasons. My office space is so alive today. I like it...as it bring good aura. The whole of next week I will be away from office to be in some strategic forum organised by the company. So, I have no choice but to efficiently clean-up my to do lists before more to be added to the list. As expected, the activity of thinking, writing and reading will only work for me in the evening. My brain being wired that way. So I stay back at office just to do that. Bringing work to home is not a choice for me. I will end up doing nothing at home.

Now is 3:30 am. I can't sleep. So, I decided to fill-up my blogging space and hopefully my mind could stop thinking and I can go to sleep....zzzzz

BTW, I can't get into blog in my office...maybe firewall. Blogging is home activity. My office hour is fully occupied with work activities. Finding time to do something else is almost nil except lunch and pray... the remaining time is alsospend on the road to get from one place to another.

I feel sleepy now.....got to go..

ohhh...the young and handsome gentleman in the picture is my 3 year old nephew. We call him "Murai" as he speaks endlessly...very cute and so entertaining!

Found this in my earlier draft posts..... I paste it here, for me to ponder and for others who have interest to read..

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Four Words that Make Life Worthwhile by Jim Rohn


Over the years as I've sought out ideas, principles and strategies to life's challenges, I've come across four simple words that can make living worthwhile.

First, life is worthwhile if you LEARN.
What you don't know WILL hurt you. You have to have learning to exist, let alone succeed. Life is worthwhile if you learn from your own experiences - negative or positive. We learn to do it right by first sometimes doing it wrong. We call that a positive negative. We also learn from other people's experiences, both positive and negative.

I've always said that it is too bad failures don't give seminars. Obviously, we don't want to pay them so they aren't usually touring around giving seminars. But that information would be very valuable – we would learn how someone who had it all then messed it up. Learning from other people's experiences and mistakes is valuable information because we can learn what not to do without the pain of having tried and failed ourselves.

We learn by what we see so pay attention. We learn by what we hear so be a good listener. Now I do suggest that you should be a selective listener, don't just let anybody dump into your mental factory. We learn from what we read so learn from every source; learn from lectures; learn from songs; learn from sermons; learn from conversations with people who care. Always keep learning.

Second, life is worthwhile if you TRY.
You can't just learn; now you have to try something to see if you can do it. Try to make a difference, try to make some progress, try to learn a new skill, try to learn a new sport. It doesn't mean you can do everything, but there are a lot of things you can do, if you just try. Try your best. Give it every effort. Why not go all out?

Third, life is worthwhile if you STAY.
You have to stay from spring until harvest. If you have signed up for the day or for the game or for the project - see it through. Sometimes calamity comes and then it is worth wrapping it up. And that's the end, but just don't end in the middle. Maybe on the next project you pass, but on this one, if you signed up, see it through.

And lastly, life is worthwhile if you CARE.
If you care at all you will get some results, if you care enough you can get incredible results. Care enough to make a difference. Care enough to turn somebody around. Care enough to start a new enterprise. Care enough to change it all. Care enough to be the highest producer. Care enough to set some records. Care enough to win.

Four powerful little words: learn, try, stay and care.

What difference can you make in your life today by putting these words to work?

What are you becoming in 2008

I just got back into my house from 7 km cycling with my big man around our area. It feel good... and I have another one capsule of antibiotic to finish...yea! Insyaallah I am recovering from flu...back on my feet again. IDHAM said to me that my body have it's own way of forcing to rest.. I seldom get very very sick...but once I got it, it is totally shut-down. To HAS... mana I nak cari nutan tu kat KL? Apa-apa saja good for immune system I will telan..

I had written my goals in my i-paq several days before new year arrived. All are intangible goals... Yesterday at office cafeteria, one of my collegues asked me my new year resolutions. I told him it does not have to wait for new year to have resolution. However, he insisted must have. I just smile....

Not so got news from one of my officemate. She was diagnosed having breast cancer, stage 2. All of us feel very sad to receive the news. It could happen to anyone of us. And through blogs I have met many bloggers who had gone through this ordeal.

I talked to her over the phone. At that time she was on her way to another hospital to have second opinion. She explained to me how she got to know about it just recently. And she also recalled the story I told her about lump on my left side many years ago. And the doctor suggested to me to follow up with check-up every year. Honestly, I almost forgot about it.

Came back to my fren, she told me that she will call back when she is ready to talk. I tried my best to inject all the positive mood in her for not to worry as there is solution to it...banyak bersabar and bertawakal. In reality, I was trying to hold myself not to think of what if situation...in the midst of injecting positive mood to her. I also mentioned to her I knew a number of friends who been through it. Whenever she is ready, I will lead her to these friends for advice. She again said she will call me when she is ready to talk. I presume that will be after her operation. I understand the trauma and to be with close family and relatives would be the priority at this point of time. Let us pray that she will get through this ordeal...


Something interesting I recieved from npl....i paste it here to share
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Hi Anggerik,

Happy New Year! I hope you had an interesting 2007. With the new year many people set goals. Often we choose to break a bad habit or decide we want a new car/house. This is fine, but wouldn't you agree that making a change at the level of our identity would be more beneficial and pervasive? For example you could decide to become a more creative person or a better communicator. Or both?! Whatever you choose, pick something that energises and inspires you.

Now one things for sure, we are going to experience many problems in 2008 because that's reality right? Annoying work collegues, dealing with certain family members, traffic jams, Eastenders etc. Isn't it true though that our experience of problems dissappear, when we have the correct mental attitude or state of mind. Problems are going to keep coming, it's inevitable.

To protect ourselves from feeling overwhlemed and crushed weneed to cultivate a powerful determination to overcome allour delusions or bad thinking patterns/habits. So as you think about that now what does the more determined you look like? You can use this as your 'desired self image' in the technique below that is from "The Half Seond Rule."

Automatically Swish Yourself into New Behaviour (This is a very powerful process that enables you to get rid of bad feelings and unwanted behaviour that results from the bad feeling. It's useful for all kinds of things because it're-directionalises' your mind. It re-programs your mind to go away from the unwanted and head towards a more resourceful, possibility filled future!

1. Identify Context:

Pick a situation that induces undesirable feelings inside of you? Where or when would you like to behave differently than you do now? (Examples: An interview, asking someone out, driving onto a freeway etc.)

2. Identify Cue Image:

What do you see in the above situation just before you start doing the behaviour you don't like? Imagine actually being in the situation, seeing through your own eyes. To help get the cue image it can be useful to physically do what you do just before the unwanted behaviour. (NOTE: The cue image can be an internal image inside your mind or an external, real world image.)

3. Create Outcome Picture:

See yourself over there as you would look if you had already accomplished the desired change. Make this image really compelling. How would you stand? What would your facial expression look like? If you had made this change how would you see yourself differently?

4. Swish:

Start by seeing the cue image, big and bright. Next put a small dark image of the outcome picture in the lower right corner. The small dark image will grow big and bright and cover the cue image, which will get dim and shrink away. It can be useful to say, 'Swissssshhhh' at the same time! (NOTE: It is very important to do the actual swish very fast for it to be effective: LESS THAN ONE SECOND! You can repeat the process, steps 4 - 6 and go faster each time until you have done it in less than 1/2 asecond.)

5. Blank Out Screen or open your eyes.

6. Repeat from step 4 again five times.

7. Test:

Now try and picture the cue image again. If the swish has been effective it will be hard to do as the outcome picture will appear automatically!

TOP TIPS: The desired self-image in step 3 doesn't need to be perfect. The question is, do you like it better?

Wishing you good fortune for 2008!

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Rumbling thoughts

While digging into company system today for on-line mid-year performance review, I noticed my new appointed position. Alhamdullilah I had been appointed to higher position in my technical career but the promotion part will be lapsed for the next few months. This was the outcome of technical interview I had many months ago.

The truth was, too many of my friends were expecting me to aim higher. The moment I step back into company, they foresee me to jump into at least 2 steps higher to where I left. It was quite difficult for me to face them and explain my personal view. Nevertheless, what is most important is I should be comfortable and enjoy doing what I am doing. It is no point if the position that I am holding create unnecessary stress to me which in the end I felt burden of holding it.

Tell me that I am weird or stupid for not wanting higher pay. But…so much in life that I wish to accomplish apart from climbing up the career ladder. One thing I am sure of is that I am not good with “KIPAS” if that is the strategy to go up. I go with my skill and capability. In many cases some friends said to me that I am under valued myself. Only God knows why…

My early morning rumbling thoughts...

Selamat datang 2008

Tirai 2007 telah pun berlabuh. Semuanya ditinggalkan sebagai pengalaman, kenangan dan pengajaran semuga kehidupan yang mendatang ditempuhi dengan penuh kesabaran serta ketabahan….

Selamat datang 2008…

p/s I am too weak to write anything. The antibiotic I have to take (3 times/day) really weaken my body. Feel so drowsy and don’t feel like doing anything else except sleep and sleep. But Insyaallah I am getting much better.

Keep smiling and loving!

Anggerik Merah

January 1, 2008