HIGH

HIGH

james blunt

Beautiful dawn - lights up the shore for me.

There is nothing else in the world,

I'd rather wake up and see (with you).

Beautiful dawn - I'm just chasing time again.

Thought I would die a lonely man, in endless night.

But now I'm high; running wild among all the stars above.

Sometimes it's hard to believe you remember me.

Beautiful dawn - melt with the stars again.

Do you remember the day when my journey began?

Will you remember the end (of time)?

Beautiful dawn - You're just blowing my mind again.

Thought I was born to endless night, until you shine.

High; running wild among all the stars above.

Sometimes it's hard to believe you remember me.

Will you be my shoulder when I'm grey and older?

Promise me tomorrow starts with you,

Getting high; running wild among all the stars above.

Sometimes it's hard to believe you remember me

Part 1..a shoulder to cry on

THIS BLOG MEANT TO BE MY DIARY SO THAT I COULD WRITE WHILE I STILL REMEMBER AND READ IT AGAIN MAYBE 20 YEARS LATER IF I AM STILL ALIVE. I WILL KEEP ALL MY STORIES TO SHARE WITH MY GRANDCHILDREN IN THE FUTURE AND ALSO THE BLOGGERS. IF YOU WISH TO READ PLEASE DO SO. JUST A WORD OF CAUTION..IT IS LONG..YOU MAY WANT TO STOP AND EXIT, OR PLACE YOUR COMMENT IF YOU HAVE ANYTHING TO SHARE...

Ingin ku bukukan kali pertama dan terakhir suatu cerita yang aku tak pasti. Bagiku ia adalah misteri hidupku yang menjadi permulaan jalan yang ku lalui sejak beberapa bulan yang lalu. Walau bagaimanapun misteri hidup ini sedikit demi sedikit kini menghilang. Aku terpaksa menghilangkan nya kerana aku tak mahu melayan perasaan yang tak ada penghujungnya. Yang pastinya serba sedikit meninggalkan ku kebahagian, ketenangan & kekuatan untuk aku lalui jalan hidup ku seterusnya.

Disaat aku mencari kehilangan diriku, aku terjaga dari mimpiku apabila mengikuti jalan cerita Sephia December tahun lalu. Aku tak suka tengok cerita melayu, tapi somehow cerita nie sangat mengusik jiwaku. Sampai aku tak rasa yang airmata mengalir dari pipi tak henti-henti sepanjang cerita tu. Tersentuh hatiku dengan watak Sephia yang aku rasakan sama seperti diriku yang hanya mengikut arus yang mendatang dan korbankan diri untuk kebahagiaan orang lain tanpa memikirkan diriku sendiri. Watak Amir, seorang yang caring, humble dan ada ketenangan diwajahnya mengingatkan aku pada seorang kawan (disini aku panggil "N" ) yang aku temui lebih 10 tahun yang lalu.

Pertemuan kami hanya bermula sebagai customer-supplier relationship. Aku dibawa oleh company driver ke Port Kelang untuk menguruskan custom clearance peralatan berjuta ringgit yang kami beli dari luar negara. N adalah sales engineer yang mengguruskan pembelian itu bagi pihak local company. Bila aku menjejak masuk ke gudang di Port Kelang, aku merasakan ada orang sedang memerhati aku dari jauh sampai tersenyum. Aku dengan muka yang serious bertanya samaada aku berada di tempat yang betul. N lalu memperkenalkan dirinya pada aku. Setelah semua urusan selesai aku pun balik ke office.

Setelah peralatan dibawa ke office aku, N sentiasa bersama-sama dengan aku, representative dari luar negara dan juga beberapa rakanku untuk menjalankan commissioning of equipment. Selama 2 minggu aku rasakan yang N selalu memerhati aku dan juga banyak kali dia cuba untuk mengenali hati budi aku macam dia nak tahu pasal aku. Aku seperti biasa tak suka mencampur adukkan business and non-business affair. Aku tak melayan kerenah dia walaupun aku tahu dalam dirinya ada ciri-ciri peribadi yang aku idamkan dari seorang lelaki yang sukar untuk aku temui. Aku tahu yang dia tertarik pada perwatakan ku dan juga sebaliknya.

Di hari terakhir, setelah kerja selesai, ditakdirkan kami berpeluang untuk bercerita pasal each other sedikit. Dia agak terkejut bila aku beritahu yang aku adalah isteri orang. Masa tu dia masih lagi single dan dia 2 tahun lebih muda dari aku. Selepas dari pertemuan itu kami masih berhubung melalui talipon sebagai kawan. Aku tahu dia good listener. Aku ada juga menceritakan serba sedikit masaalah rumahtanggaku pada dia. Aku juga ada tolong dia jadi referee untuk dia apply kerja dengan company yang lebih besar dan stabil. Dia sangat gembira bila dapat kerja tu. Tapi lepas tu kami putus hubungan.

Sehinggalah 3 tahun lalu bila aku cuba jejak dia semula. Aku dapat hubungi dia melalui talipon. Dia happy sangat bila aku call dan dia kata dia ada teringat kat aku jugak dan ada benda dia nak cerita. Tapi dia tak dapat ceritakan masa tu. Aku bagitau dia yang aku nak continue study. Dia kata dia dah kahwin dan ada anak perempuan sorang. Aku pun cerita yang aku dah ada anak lelaki. Dia ucapkan all the best to me. Itulah kali terakhir kami berhubung.

Setelah aku merantau untuk meneruskan pengajian, kami terputus hubungan. Dua tahun aku lalui jalanan hidupku dirantau orang yang penuh cabaran dan dugaan. Aku tak mahu cerita pasal nie. Apa yang aku buat ialah aku selalu bercakap pada diri sendiri dalam bath tub masa tengah shower. Disitulah tempat aku melepaskan segala kesedihan dan kekecewaan ku yang tak ada siapa yang tahu kecuali Allah. Aku menangis sepuas hati. Kadang2 aku pernah rasa nak bunuh diri dan give-up dengan hidup nie. Tapi aku bersyukur yang Allah masih lagi melindungi aku dan menyedarkan aku yang aku diperlukan.

Pada masa tu aku tak ada tempat untuk betul2 meluahkan perasaanku dan apa yang terbuku kat dalam hati sanubari dan fikiranku. Aku ada kawan rapat yang tahu penderitaan hidupku tapi dia orang semua kat Msia. Masing-masing dengan kehidupan masing2. Melalui talipon kawan ku "F" memberiku semangat untuk sedarkan diriku yang aku dah lama membiarkan diriku tersiksa begini. Dia menjerit padaku supaya aku mencari apa yang kamu mahu dalam hidup aku.

Setelah semua ini ku lalui, satu hari barulah aku dapat sedikit demi sedikit open-up diriku pada seorang kawan yang sama-sama disini iaitu CS. CS banyak menyimpan kisah hidupku sampai sekarang dan setiap sesuatu yang aku tak pasti untuk membuat keputusan, aku selalu meminta pendapatnya sebab aku tak sanggup lagi melalui apa yang aku lalui 2 tahun lepas. Ianya cukup menyiksa diri dan fikiranku. Aku mahu bangun semula dan hidup semula dan juga mencari diriku. Selama ini aku rasakan hidup ku dah mati walaupun jasad ku masih disini. Berjela-jela email ku pada CS meluahkan perasaan sedih, marah, frustration dan segala yang menyiksa diriku. Aku tak boleh nak bercakap untuk menceritakan nya... sebaliknya aku dapat menulis apa yang dirasa. Aku terhutang budi sangat pada CS yang terpaksa membaca isi hati ku melalui apa yang aku tulis. Dia banyak memberiku pandangannya, a good listener juga a shoulder to cry on..walaupun aku tak pernah menangis depan dia...Aku dengan sikap aku yang tak suka menjatuhkan airmataku didepan orang selagi dapat bertahan..Masa tu aku tak pernah dengar atau kenal apa itu blogger...

Berbalik kepada character Amir dalam cerita Sephia tu, membuatkan aku terdetik untuk mencari N semula. Aku tak tahu dan tak faham kenapa. Mungkin jugak disaat itu aku perlukan seseorang macam dia yang dapat mendalami dan memahami apa yang aku rasakan. Aku jugak perlukan pandangan lelaki mengkritik segala tindak-tanduk ku untuk menyelesaikan masaalah yang aku hadapi. Mungkin jua aku perlukan "a shoulder to cry on" ....bersambung..

CRY...

CRY (James Blunt - back to bedlam)

I have seen peace. I have seen pain,

Resting on the shoulders of your name.

Do you see the truth through all their lies?

Do you see the world through troubled eyes?

And if you want to talk about it anymore,

Lie here on the floor and cry on my shoulder,

I'm a friend.

I have seen birth. I have seen death.

Lived to see a lover's final breath.

Do you see my guilt? Should I feel fright?

Is the fire of hesitation burning bright?

And if you want to talk about it once again,

On you I depend. I'll cry on your shoulder.

You're a friend.

You and I have been through many things.

I'll hold on to your heart.

I wouldn't cry for anything,

But don't go tearing your life apart.

I have seen fear. I have seen faith.

Seen the look of anger on your face.

And if you want to talk about what will be,

Come and sit with me, and cry on my shoulder,

I'm a friend.

And if you want to talk about it anymore,

Lie here on the floor and cry on my shoulder,

I'm a friend.

The power of diversity

About my supervisor: yesterday at final project meeting to sponsors, Powergen (my beloved supervisor's nick name) has already announced that I will be submitting mine by June 2006 (my deadline...). Insyaallah with HIS help I will be able to meet the target and also berkat dari relatives & friends who will pray and doa for me...

About Powergen: Iranian, good looking, workoholic (weekend always at the office, balik rumah lambat dari student), smart, charming, high expectation (especially on PhD student like me), money minded, kedekut, sometimes undecided, sometimes look confused, exhausted, nervous, changeable mind, ego pun ada...Dia duda sebab tu lah workoholic.. Well...got to accept that no human being is perfect.

Last 2 years, he did presentation to my colleague in the company. Masing2 terleleh dengar presentation dia...ada yang tak tahu apa nak tanya sebab benda baru, ada yang mengantuk sebab petang & banyak makan karipap...ada jugak yang lepas meeting tu comment...

my friend: "AM...your supervisor tu handsomenya...tak jemu I tengok muka dia. Kalau I jadi student dia tentu apa yang dia ajar semua masuk dalam kepala..."
me: " Laaa.. ingatkan kusyuk dengar presentation dia... rupanya...yang lain dia kusyuk..."

Itulah serba sikit pasal dia...overall, he is a very nice person...I knew whenever I gave him advice on work related or even on walfare of his staff, he will take it..He never refuse giving me anything that I need to make the project progress.. I am thankful him for that...but only me ada sikit...mungkin banyak lembab on contributing to new idea..

What can I say...my mind is full of other thots as well..not only limited to technical jargon stuff..Me at this age to compare with those at early 20s (single, young, energetic, vigor...like some of us when we were really young not long ago...)..I can't compete with others..I can do what I can affort to do ...

My new officemate: 2 days ago, a new PhD student join our group. 25 years old but look like 30+..sebab dah botak kat depan..maybe ulat buku.. After 3 days with him I found out that he is kind of "nerd" sikit...Why i said that?:

Evidence 1:
Office mate: "AM, can you take care of my wife for a while bcoz I need to go out"
Me: Puzzle $%#*& ..... "your wife???"
Office mate: " This is my wife, I brought her with me all the time" pointing at his notebook
Me: while laughing and change to slightly serious mode " oooo...sometimes I also bring my husband here...but not always"

My new office mate laugh and me too....so we laugh to each other...Kalau dah notebook anggap wife memang sah ada ciri2 nerd skit..

Evidence 2:
Me: "what is your hobby?"
Office mate: "everything is my hobby"
Me: " Huh??? Do you like sport and what kind of sport do you like? "
Office mate: " I love all kind of sports"
Me: " What??? It is strange that you like all sports..I am sure at least one or two that you really like"

Officemate kind of thinking for a while and said to me that he has none that he is good at but he wants to learn all...

Many other evidence...tak larat nak tulih.. Many more I will discover about this new comer.

Anyway, I enjoyed having him in my office eventhough he is a bit different in character and I don't have any problem getting along with him or anyone...In fact in our group we have English, Scottish, Chinese, Iranian, Denish (Denmark), French, Indian, Venezualan, and me malaysian (one and the only lady)..thats we call "the power of diversity". Off course we can't run away from disagreement due to our differences but as long as we can tolerate and respect each others, and contribute our various expertise we remain as one entity..

Tanah suci yang membahagiakan..

5 years ago, the three of us (a lonely wife, a lonely widow and a lonely lady) went for umrah together. Each with their own mission in life.. Stepped out from my house to the airport, I didn't want to look back whatever I want to leave out of me...my little baby, my H, my parent, relatives and all the material things that I own in this world.

My heart and soul said that I want to go and never want to come back into so called "my lost world". People see me as if I have everything that i cud possibly need for a living and be happy with it...but deep inside me I am still not getting peace of mind and happiness in life..weird but true feeling..me in "my lost world"....At that time my world is just full of hectic life, anger, frustration, no direction, no purpose, exhausted, no soulmate etc.etc.. you name it....

Stepped into the plane, I lost everything from my mind. I was alone to face myself although I was surrounded with my other friends...The three of us tumpang muhrim with one family (father, mother and a 10 year old boy) from Ipoh. Very nice, warm and happy family (unfortunately I cud not remember their name). Apparently this family never failed to perform their umrah every year. This has been part of their normal yearly trip ever since the boy was borned.

We arrived and stayed in Madinah for 3 days. Every single moment we spent our time in the mosque and had chance to visit several mosque around Madinah. Oh my God....I forgot a lot of places name...

At that time, my life was just me and myself...I don't remember anybody/ anything that I left back home...and it was so peaceful feeling inside me which I cud not describe.
After 3 days, we were ready to fly to Mekah to perform our Umrah. About 10 minutes after the plane took off from the airport, the plane was trumbling in the air and excessively shaking as if it will crash to the ground. The harder it shaked the louder I heard zhikir from many passengers on board. It was as if demanding for stronger and genuine zhikir from everyone which came from their heart and soul. There was no feeling of scared that time..if the plane crash to the ground, I can feel that everyone in the plane "redha di atas kehendakNYA". However, it was just a small test from Allah that all of us have to face at that time. Everything back to smooth ride after about 20 minutes until we reached Mekah.

We were then brought to the place for niat and reached Masjidil haram to continue all the necessary steps. As soon as I entered masjidil haram and saw Kaabah, different feeling which I cud not described in word. Those who had been there would know how it felt. One incident that I cud not forget when my waist watch dropped and the glass crushed on the floor meaning that I cud not used it anymore. Suddently it crossed into my mind that i was always rushing in life. I did not take time to stop and think and ponder what life takes me through...

After that happened, I felt that one part of me was taken away and I felt more peaceful inside because I do not have to look at the watch all the time as I used to do. Many more incidents happened ( I am too tired to write about it) which make me think a lot and feel that I am very very near to HIM. I felt that I want to stay there for the rest of my life. Still I was alone and forgot all that I left back home. I didn't even call home until the last 2 days before I was about to fly back. The reason of me calling back was only because suddently, I woke up and realised that those who I left back home especially my little baby needs me. All of them love me and need me to be back.

Me and my Umrah mate had a chance to experience the first day of Ramadhan in Mekah before we say good bye...and promise to come again soon..

The fact is that this place is the most peaceful place on earth which bring a lot of happiness and calmness in my jasad and roh. HE protected me every moment and everywhere I step my feet in this world belong to HIM. I am tested by HIM every step of my movement to make me a better person until the day I die...

Itulah Tanah suci yang membahagiakan.....

Thot of the day: "my diary"

Sitting in front of my notebook in my little bedroom...I start to ponder and look back what had I written in my diary!...It really meant to be for my own thot and memories which I might forget as the age is catching up.. Those sweet and bitter memories kept on running in my brain which sometimes difficult to control and let go..

Ooooo...to give someone the energy to see their way out comes naturally from me if I cud see the way of how to get around it and see clearly the problem and solution to it...

BUT, there is the time when I myself was and still am drowning in the river, I do need something or someone to pull me out from the muddy water so that I could breath again..That is the fact of life...it is a roller coster..and energy come and go..

there you go... you need friends to love you and to cuddle you and most importantly ALLAH will help you to see the way. HE has challenged you to be a better person as you live your life in this temporary world..


My Yoga teacher said....something like this..

assume that you are in front of the fire place, having a cup of tea and sitting in the rocking chair...

remember all the beautiful things/experiences that happen today which make you smile, happy, laugh and satisfy...and place them in one basket.

think of another things /experiences that happen in your life today which make you feel sad, depress, hate and angry..then place in another basket in front of you...

While sitting in the rocking chair, place the tea on the table next to you and close your eyes for a while..now you feel warm and peaceful inside you.

Then think about:

• what do you need with you to carry on
• what do you need to leave forever
• what do need to keep for later on..

....make choice and place them in another basket..

Now open your eyes and finish your tea and you are ready to go out there... bring the basket of your choice with you..

LIFE IS A MATTER OF CHOICE..

The funny thinking of it...

kat Msia tak pakai fire place...pengsan kalau pakai fire place!! so pakai kipas atau aircod lah

rocking chair??...tak ada kat rumah ... tapi "ndui" pun sama gak lah...

Tea??...I don't really like tea, but hot chocholate is my favourite..

Basket? macam-macam ada...no problem...nak menkuang ke, plastic ke....

Me with my thot of the day..keep smiling!!!!

Fasting month in Manila

Me and my colleague went to Manila for conference to present paper sometimes mid 1990's. It was fasting month. Were there for 1 week if not mistaken. Stayed in one of the hotel (cannot remember anymore the name but quite famous one). The hotel just walking distance from shopping mall (pun tak ingat apa nama nye..).

The conference story as usual all the technical presentation which not relevent and not interesting to jot down here. The first day, we kind of hope that it was not too bad to find food to eat there. 45 minutes before buka puasa time, both of us merayap kat shopping center tu..We could not find even a single restaurant that we could hop into becoz every where from outside we could see "that" hang everywhere. Masa nak buka hampir tiba ...masih mencari2.. Sambil jalan2 nampak this chef carry one big tray..and guess what is inside this tray: sitting beautifully with a smiling face of "that" again...terus hilang selera nak makan bila nampak tu...tak tahu pasal apa tah..Finally we gave-up then we just had water to buka puasa and find some bun to eat. Masa sahur kat hotel tu hentam maggi, roti and sambal daging ajelah...Masa tu berahim tak dak dalam pasaran lagi..

Second nite we went to this Indonesian restaurant which was very far from downtown. Entered the restaurant, very impressed with the setting of the restaurant (typical indonesian decoration). More interesting was the song played there...Kak Nita punya lagu...again tak ingat apa nama lagu nye...hehehe..ada sikit memory lost.. Lega rasanya dapat makan something yang tak dak "that". So kami berdua pun buka puasa sakan lah malam tu, qada for the previous nite and tapau for sahur sekali. We went there twice becoz it was really far. By the time sampai hotel dah mid nite.

Subsequent nite we just eat something lite that we could find around hotel...Well that was about 10 years ago. I am sure now shud be more choices..

After conference finished, we got chance to jalan2 sikit. We chartered Taxi to take us around the town. Rizal park (kalau tak salah namanye), we stopped to take picture. Biasalah enkau ambik gambaq aku dan aku ambiq gambaq enkau. Then this security approached us nak tolong ambik gambaq kami berdua. So we let him do that. Surprisingly ingatkan for free like tolong only..rupanya dia mintak duit. So my friend pun bagi 5 but he demanded another 5..waaaa.. rupanya security buat part time job kat situ..Takut nak argue sebab dia ada pistol, so bagi aje. We believed this people must be very poor..as there is such a huge gap berween the rich and the poor in this country. I thanked Allah for all that He gave me..

What both of us got from Manila..well we bought several nice looking preserved orchids which beautifully framed. Balik gantung kat dinding.

End.