Every beginning has its end

Anggerik Merah

March 30, 2006 11:11 AM

Borrowing quotes

Obstacles are what you see when you take your eyes off the goal line
Vince Lombardi

We ourselves feel that what we are doing is just a drop in the ocean. But the ocean would be less because of that missing drop
Mother Teresa

If we had no winter, the spring would not be so pleasant; if we did not sometimes taste adversity, prosperity would not be so welcome
Anne Bradstreet

Expect people to be better than they are; it helps them to become better. But don’t be disappointed when they are not; it helps them to keep trying
Merry Browne

Don’t be afraid to give your best to what are seemingly small jobs. Every time you conquer one it makes you that much stronger. If you do the little jobs well, the big ones will tend to take care of themselves.
Dale Carnegie

The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams
Eleanor Roosevelt

Half of our difficulties are imaginary and if we keep quiet about them they will disappear
Robert Lynd

The battle within me

Yes, the battle is within me.

I had a total shutdown mentally and physically
Losing the battle is a very close call
For once I thought I burnt out















My loneliness is killing me
At time when I lost my sanity
Feel like I am alone in this world
No single soul

Now I am crawling like a snail
Building my inner strength
Finding my lost path

Hoping to get there one day...


My beloved bloggers
Sincere appreciation for your moral support, for being there and all
I know you are there when I need you
In my lonely world

9 am March 26, 2006

Have I lost this battle?

4.29 am March 23, 2006.

At this point, I felt like I want to quit. Nothing that could get into my brain. I read and I don’t know what I am reading.

I feel that I lost my interest and I just want to quit. I had never felt that I am a loser….I have kept going and going all this while. But now I felt that I am a big loser.

Have I lost this battle?

Disaat dan ketika ini..

Disaat dan ketika ini
Minda ku berputar
Jasad ku hilang kekuatan
Lemah seluruh anggota ku
Tiada daya untuk berfungsi
Aku mengikut bicara jasad
Tinggalkan dunia barang seketika

Aku melutut dan menyembahMu
Di alam tidurku
Berikan aku kekuatan
Berikan aku semangat
Meneruskan perjalanan ini

Kekadang aku rasakan
Perjalanan ini masih jauh
Kekadang aku rasakan
Aku hilang arah tujuan
Mencari setitik ilmuMu
Dilautan luas terbentang

Disaat dan ketika ini
Aku memerlukan sesuatu
Membangkit semangat
Memberi kekuatan
Meneruskan perjalanan

Aku termengu seketika
Menghayati sonata musim salju
Memikirkan tentang hati
Aku bertanya pada diriku
Milik siapakah cinta dan hati ini
Yang aku pasti
Milik Mu dan milik ku

Disaat dan ketika ini…

March 21, 2006 1617


SONATA MUSIM SALJU...
Saat ku merindukan dirimu
Jiwa meronta kau ku damba
Oh gerhana seluruh pancaindera

Ku hilang dalam memori cinta
Membakar dalam seluruh jiwa raga
Hanya kau untukku, kau tiada dua

Bagaikan siang tiada mentari
Bagai malam tiada cahaya purnama
Tanpamu tiada erti hidup berdua
Ke akhir masa kau ku cinta

Bagaikan syurga tanpa bidadari
Kau ibarat hembusan nafas terakhir
Pulanglah sayang usah kau berpaling
Disini ku pasrah menanti

Dikau bak salju ditiup bayu
Kan rebah dipangkuan bumi
Ku yakini kasih restu ILLAHI

Ku doa kau hadir permaisuri mahligaiku
Hidup mati cinta kita bersama...

Nice to see...

Don't want to think about some of the heart pounding events happenings last week. Just forget about it and learnt the lesson from what had happened to the friend. May Allah protect all of us.

Focus on remembering the sweet things...

1) Morning wake -up with white day......

2) Another additional collection of toys from "TV price bid". I have to hide the TV remote soon!

3) Footloose...awesome!!! Bring back to 80's songs and those memories..

4) Serenity..

13 March 2006, marked 6 month in the blogging world...

Mindaku bercelaru

Mindaku masih bercelaru
Kekadang ianya gusar
Kekadang ianya kosong
Kekadang ianya sibuk
Berfikir dan bercerita
Tiada noktah
Tiada keputusan

Mindaku masih bercelaru
Mengikut kata hati
Mengikut kata badan
Mengikut kata keadaan
Tiada tujuan
Tiada perhentian

Mengapa mindaku bercelaru?
Aku pun tak tahu
Aku pun tak tahu
Aku pun tak tahu
Adakah aku tidak melihat penghujungnya?
Adakah aku tidak dapat rasakan imbuhannya?

Masa berlalu terlalu pantas
Aku masih disitu
Kekadang aku kabur
Kekadang aku hilang semangat
Kekadang aku tidak suka memikirkan nya
Mindaku bercelaru

Sunday, 12 March 2006, 16:43

Part of my day

My cozy bed which make me sleep a lot lately (zzzz.....)








View from my window will very much influence my daily mood...sunshine/gloomy/snow (always looking forward for sunshine)








To catch-up with underweight ( the opposite to most people)....I need to take this everyday.







Watching flower blooming and plants growing give me loads of energy..

Focus (3X)

Today I decided to turn my living room into office scattered with books, papers etc etc..
Feel comfortable letting my hair free without tudung and let it burn like a hot stove. Maybe some hair might fall down like falling leaves in the fall. I can hear the churning voice of bird. Not sure what bird since I could not distinguish many different birds except owl. The aim is to get the writing moving at a more decent rate.

My brain could not work in the office, having two new students around which make the space more congested. I could not focus and concentrate.

I am rewarding myself with Chorale Excelsior and Sinfonia Excelsior, Ralph Vaughan Williams: Symphony No. 5.tonite at 7:30 pm. An hour before the concert, I am going to my weekly Pilate session. So my brain needs to be burned to get all this rewards for today.

This Saturday will be another reward. Musical theatre, that is. Playing Footloose in town. I am going with adik-adik bachelor who have similar interest. I told them to study hard for exam and then we reward our self . That is the promise.

Back to work….focus…focus…focus..


Afternoon Update:

Yea...one paper is reviewed. A good restart.

Called the lil one. He sounds so happy today. The reason being he is surrounded by many that loved him and layan him, kakak I and W.

Mama: Anything or interesting story you want to tell me?

Lil one: Yeah, the black out.......(with enthusiasm he discribed what happened..)

After conversation about the black out story...

Mama: emmm...how was your weekend? what do you do?

Lil one: I don't want to talk about it. It hurt. I don't like to be hurt..

Mama: Ok...I will not ask you more..

My heart drop to the ground hearing him said that. I donno what it is all about. But I let him forget about it...until when he is ready to talk about it..

In my mind..is it because he miss me and his dearest friend here? That's possibly could be the reason. It is just my guess..

THE VOICE WITHIN

Beautiful songs from CA dedicated to my lovely friends out there.

THE VOICE WITHIN
By: Christina Aguilera

Young girl don't cry
I'll be right here when your world starts to fall
Young girl it's alright
Your tears will dry you'll soon be free to fly

When you're safe inside your room you tend to dream
Of a place where nothing's harder than it seems
No one ever wants or bothers to explain
Of the heartache life can bring and what it means

Chorus:
When there's no one else,
Look inside yourself
Like your oldest friend
Just trust the voice within
Then you'll find the strength
That will guide your way
You'll learn to begin
To trust the voice within
Young girl don't hide
You'll never change if you just run away
Young girl just hold tight
Soon you're gonna see your brighter day
Now in a world where innocence is quickly claimed
It's so hard to stand your ground when you're so afraid
No one reaches out a hand for you to hold
When you look outside look inside to your soul

Chorus
Life is a journey
It can take you anywhere you choose to go
As long as you're learning
You'll find all you'll need to know(Be strong)
You'll break it(Hold on)
You'll make it
Just don't forsake it because
No one can tell you what you can't do
No one can stop you
You know that I'm talking to you

Chorus
Young girl don't cryI'll be right here when your world starts to fall

My one moment in time

I am thankful to HIM:

The life that HE gave me, waking up in the morning to find out that HE gives me a chance to live in this world.

A precious gift of a son for me to experience at least a one time mother in life. He shine the strength and happiness in our life.

A loving husband who love me more than I could ever love him and test my strength and patient.

My beloved parents who endlessly always be there and scarify their life for me.

Two siblings and their family who I adore and also always be there for me. As the eldest I wish I spent more time with them in the past. It is never too late to catch up and more exciting with the addition of another generation in the family.

My parents-in-law, relative and friends who complete my life in this world.

Blessing with “rezeki” which I can live comfortably and share with others, opportunity to see and experience life in different parts of the world.

Blessing with “rezeki” to send my parents for Haj, Umrah and to be where I was in different part of the world. This giving me a great satisfaction in my soul.

Most importantly the strength, energy, determination and courage that I am bless with to carry on my life until the day HE call me back home.

My one moment in time..

13:22, March 1, 2006 in the bright sunny day of winter/spring....then came hail a couple hours later

Replied email to a friend.

Holiday…emmmm I am really looking forward to it…but I have to put my butt on the chair and read the book which tell the story about XXX and I have to pretend that it was so exciting to read it. Since this morning I had been skipping many many pages and choose only chapters that is easy to understand and at the surface only..sob..sob..Anyway..I will look at holiday inn offer! More reward for me if I finish my writing…2 for 1? Who should be with me then?

I donno if my other half really serious abt it (appying for VSP). I did not get a chance to talk to him in detail. Everytime we had VC, we did not get a privacy to talk abt us. Instead my 1.5 year old niece will conquer the VC with my mom supervision. So my other half had to run away.

I called home this morning while dressing up to school. My mom told me that my other half had not been to work since yesterday. I am not sure if he already started to feel missing the lil one if the lil one comes here for holiday. I think he is losing himself a lot lately. Like he is not looking forward for life anymore. Missing me and lil one from his life is just so empty for him. I also donno what to do with him. He had been so sensitive. Maybe because of his sickness. May be because of serious discussion that we had when he was here recently.

I had been a strong woman all this while but I donno how long I can last like this. Feel like too much that need to hang on to my shoulder. I also need a shoulder to depend on and being protected and being guided in my life. I had been getting a lot of help in the past year directly or indirectly (from some doctors and also blogger’s friends) and I found my true self, I hope. I had stopped feeling pity to myself and I want a life. I hope I can continue to survive and keep my sanity! Yoga and Pilate do help though..

I am slightly better expressing my thought by writing. Cakap tak pandai. I end up freezing my mouth if I talk abt my inner negative feeling/problems.

Sorry lah panjang pulak I membebel…Life goes on..

Take care and bye.

Caution: You are responsible for your own interpretation & judgement!

Recent update:

Allah had his own ways of giving the answer and sending through the message instantly

Mama,

I never reliazed how much I miss you until the "lil one" came back.

For the last 3 years I try to be tough by blocking myself from feeling of being together as a family. It has caused a lot of effect on my health.

Still I am finding hard to express myself.

I love you very much and miss you a lot.