About sharing experience/thots..

April 22, 2002

Was in the office in the afternoon to check on exp. and plan to analyse new data. Spend half of the day to touch up and fill-up the hole in T. Funny that the entire plan that I placed together has to be shifted due to constraint in the facilities. It really brings down my energy and enthusiasm and motivation. Well, we can only plan but sometimes it does not go as what we expected it to be.

In the office, I was glad because no one in there. I conquered the office to have piece of mind. I did not close the door because I am kind of alternating myself in and out between office and lab. I heard someone knocked the door and it was “A”. For quite a while I did not see him around my office. “A” from Turkmenistan currently doing his Msc. I have to add, a very good looking gentleman. Being surrounded by too many good looking Middle Eastern man around me, I don't have a culture shock.

We had a chat about the study and also what to look forward to after finishing. As we kept talking then personal matters came out. Everything lies in personal matters when we want to create our dream and future. He shared with me his pass experience. He did tell me bit and pieces every time we bump into each other. But being myself who does not want to provoke a person to tell the whole story if the person is not ready so I just lent my ear. Although I know previously he wants to share more.

He appeared to be surprised when I told him that I had a family after him asking me what is my plan. I will quickly finish and go back to my family, work and country. He never thought that I am married with one kid. Most people will not suspect so. The reason being, I am small size (typical being Asian…) and being a full time student with my faded jeans and snicker/runner, and then I look like maybe 10 - 15 years younger. But wait…then look at my face now, I think I am old enough to be at my age. Going through this process enhance my aging process also. It does not matter much for now. At least I am alert that “rumah kata pergi kubur kata mari”.

Having in mind that I had gone through many phases in life as compared to him, “A” had moved from standing at the office door into the office and sitting on the table. He seemed to be interested to engage in more conversation about past and also future and what is important in life. Now the brainstorming/thots provoking began…

It is all triggered when I was asking him what the next step is after completing his study while he was still standing near the door. At first he was kind of blur (at least what I thought. I could be wrong. Maybe he is trying to organise his thots). Being in his situation I can understand the difficulty that he had. All the blunders and mistakes that he made in his life. I don’t want to elaborate about his life as I would rather keep it. I don’t feel good to tell the story about others. I guess I just being me who absorb others happiness and pain. Listen and learn from it and advice if I had gone through similar experience myself. Otherwise I just keep quite and remain as a listener.

The good thing that I observed is that “A” is being honest about his story and yet he still remains calm and composes (This is what Sir Count Byron kept on reminding me before and also recently to stay like this especially in the even of my lost in translation. Thanks Le Count!). Maybe most men are borne to be like that. My guess! All my life, it was a bit difficult for me to remain calm if I let go my past to someone, be it a man or woman. I would rather write and find my way out. I am one of them who will freak out and drop dead! Just like naked in front of the person..

But as I grow mature (at least I think so…), it will be less of a problem. After all, life is about journey that we go through. We can’t change the past but we can plan the future. Even the future is still in His hand. Leaving the past will be a break through in life so that the next step is planned and move along. But of course the old memories are still there. Wish that the good one stays forever and the painful one gone with the wind and also wish that our brain just like harddisk. Erase and never ever see it again. Start a new life….

Coming back to the discussion with “A”..we talked a lot about the lesson learnt in life, what is important, the priorities, what we want in life, our habits etc etc.. Of course I make it clear to him up front that I am so used to listen to man because my career life is full of man around. So I am quite open about many things after he said that he is also very open.

So our discussion revolved around career life, money, family life, selection criteria for life partner, responsibilities, the different between man and woman, relationship between young man and old woman (based on his previous experiences), maturity of man and woman (shared my experiences), his natural tendencies when saw gorgeous girls (this one, I was laughing at him…He came to the sense of how difficult to find virgin girl nowadays. I suggested him to find from village somewhere in Russia or Turkmenistan), sexual desire (I said to him “you man, all the time thinking about it?. Ok ok I understand. It is normal as human being”).

It is normal when someone shares their experience; they also hope that you share yours. After some provoking question from him, I was not doing a good job to have a story for “A” especially the part that is so private to me. “A” got confused and I realised I was beating around the bush (purposely done in some part and other part was difficult to describe!) and finally I said…I don’t want to remember anything now. I want to leave the past behind and I mentioned I want to burn. Before I could explain further what to be burnt, he appeared shocked. He said to me “you want to burn this building?”. Then I laughed at him… then both of us laugh about it..

Finally we parted that night after realising we were talking for almost 3 hours. We agreed that it is good to talk it out. We came to realise that at least we could rearrange our thought on what is important in life and chase it. I suggested to him to write his interesting life story somewhere. Maybe in blog?

Today I found this article in NST which talk about…

INNER GROWTH: Each day has new possibilities
24 Apr 2006Bridget Menezes

FROM now on, I shall make the past belong to the past and look to the future with a new vision.

The burden of the past weighs heavily upon the self. The past comprises both good and bad experiences, yet it seems to be human nature to recall the negative.

The effect of this spoils one’s attitude and because attitude is the primary motivator to future action, the future is consequently spoilt. Then one is inclined to doubt oneself in almost every aspect.

There is less enthusiasm in life and the courage to create newness or face challenges lessens.Recalling the past is also largely habitual.

There has to be the aim to break that habit.

Take each day as if it is a new life with new possibilities.

When I recognise the importance of time, I’ll know how important life is. I would understand that each moment offers something more significant than what is apparent.

This perception enables me to make the best use of the present moment.

Thought for reflection:

Disentangle yourself from regret, shame and guilt. Shake off the past and move forward with peace of mind.

What do I do..

Last nite, I left office at around 8.30 pm. On my way to my wee car I saw my sup’office is still lighting up. In the morning we met in the lab when I was engrossedly looking at the data displayed on the screen. Not noticing he was behind me. He came to inform everyone that he will be on leave for 3 weeks starting tomorrow, in case he did not see us before end of the day.

I pop-in to wish him a safe trip back home and to come back in one piece. He corrected me by saying “two pieces”.. oppp sorry I forgot!…and I giggled..."yup, two pieces". He is getting married in two weeks time for the second time after many many years being alone. All of us are happy for him and wish him a wonderful life to come. After his holiday, he will be back and then he will undergo heart bypass surgery… also pray that he will recover quickly..

All of these, indirectly, left my heart with dup dap dup dap…as far as my T is concerned. I must have my draft ready for him to comment. Meaning that my focus cannot go hire-wire…

Sometimes I could not understand why the energy and motivation do go down hill at this stage. Friend of mine said that we are too exhausted by now. Was so very energetic for a couple of years at the start. Where all these gone?

What do I do?? What do I do and What do I do???...

• Pray that He bless me all the energy and motivation that I need to have my one moment in time
• Take a break if I notice that I am no longer productive mentally and physically. Then re-accumulate the energy to continue again.
• Shift my presence between home and office depending on the need, environment and mood.
• Back to office to stay longer hours just like before as the day light is longer.
• Stay cool and relax when I got stuck with something and can’t solve before getting someone to help me or give it sometimes to figure out what is going on..
• Less blogging and blog hop temporarily. So where do I release my stress and loneliness in the midth of this journey? Maybe in my own personal day to day note which I need to recreate just to talk my brain out?
  
  My recent books and Mozart CD (CD cost 99 p. Will collect more from the store) collected from bookstore last Sunday…escapism from my exhausted mind and part of maintaining to live a healthy life! ;)).
  Part of my journey
  Friday April 21, 2006

Strikes the balance..

Sunny day view from living room's windows.







Lets get messy on the table....notebook, portable DVD player, technical book, work book, motivational book, spiritual book, conventional organiser, electronic gadgets, drink, purse, glasses, tissue....more books on the floor to keep the mood going..





View from bedroom window on clear sky day








The little man on the screen making funny faces.













One of my favourite "lepak" spot during weekend (once in a blue moon)..





Part of way forward for changing life within 7 days?

You are a Hunter Soul?

You Are a Hunter Soul

You are driven and ambitious - totally self motiviated to succeedActively working to acheive what you want, you are skillful in many areas.You are a natural predator with strong instincts ... and more than a little demanding.You are creative, energetic, and an extremely powerful force. An outdoors person, you like animals and relate to them better than people.You tend to have an explosive personality, but also a good sense of humor.People sometimes see you as arrogant or a know it all.You tend to be a bit of a loner, though you hate to be alone. Souls you are most compatible with: Seeker Soul and Peacemaker Soul

What Kind of Soul Are You?

People envy your compassion

People Envy Your Compassion

You have a kind heart and an unusual empathy for all living creatures. You tend to absorb others' happiness and pain.People envy your compassion, and more importantly, the connections it helps you build. And compassionate as you are, you feel for them.

What Do People Envy About You?

About collections of books and CDs

It has been my interest from younger days to read and listen to motivatonal books/talks...The first thing that I will search for whenever I am in the bookstore. Sometimes coming to think about it, I could have been a successful motivator if I knew my natural inclination.

But most often than not, we don't see what is our natural talent when we were young until we realise one day that the inborn talent would provide us with more satisfaction in life. But it is never too late for anything in life as long as we still keeping up with what we love to do...

Until now I am still crazy about these motivational thingy...Those are my recent collections of books and CDs from Amazon.co.uk to fill up my little library at home..plus book on how to write T. I read this writing T book sometimes ago which I borrowed from library but being me who like to own the book I still buy it for me to keep..

Change your life in 7 days?

It is good to switch the mind to other book after reading too much of technical stuff. "Change your life in 7 days" by Paul McKenna is the one that I am reading right now. To be honest, I don't even know this author before. During my recovery stage of mental block a few weeks ago, I realised that I had been spending my time too much at home, locked myself to be alone so that I could focus on writing T and I did not go out to shopping complex or anywhere else which might make me spend more money. It is my bad habit if I am under stress, I will spend money like I am a millionaire just to satisfy myself. After I feel calm then I realise I just spend on something unnecessary. Nowdays, I am coping and breaking this bad habit of mine step by step..

Yes, I drove myself to the shopping complex not very far from my house. Bookstore was my favourite place to see if I could find 99 pence books particularly on Yoga or Pilate... Yup, I am crazy about this exercise. I will never forget my pilate/yoga class no matter how busy I am. One and a half hour/week of this session really help me a lot. The instructor is so wonderful and witty and beautiful too (at her 40's). I wish to bring her back to Msia...will see if she agree..

I picked up several books and my fingers kept on searching for more books...finally I found this book, but it is not 99 pence. It is 10x more expensive. Never mind...., after brousing through the book, I said to myself that this book is very simple just like a cookbook or manual. This technique is already in my subconcious mind, part of my life principal. Just that maybe sometimes when my mind is out of bound, I don't have a systematic thinking...So I bought the book which come together with CD and I listened to the mind-programming CD for relaxation. It has been my bedtime story book or whenever I don't want to read any other books.

If I have time later, I will jot down simple steps described in this book as part of sharing the tips abt change your life in 7 days. Sound as if too fast....but possible. The only challenge is to be able to keep going and not to drift away to come back to square one!

If you read this book, what is your opinion of the content/techniques?

April 11, 2006 1:04 pm

Serenity of country side and old castles-3

More to see... Along walking route to Threave Castle
A little town of Kirkcudbright on Sunday
On the way to Kirkcudbright
Maclellan's castle in Kirkcudbright

Petite river in the country side

Dedicated to those who fall in love with nature..

Anggerik Merah
April 2, 2006

Serenity of country side and old castles - 2

More collection of journey

Small park next to Maclellan's Castle facing the river in Kirkcudbright
Country side on the way to Dundrennan Abbey
Colourful wall of shops in Kirkcudbright
One spot at Dundrennan Abbey...awesome trees
Country side on the way to Dundrennan Abbey

My little steps of journey...

Anggerik Merah
April 2, 2006

Serenity of country side and old castles-1

Journey of 100 miles on Sunday worth an effort to see what are out there beyond the 4 walls of my flat, office and lab. It is so serene and awesome! Added to physical fitness due to many miles of walking. Driving along a pictureristique area felt like stopping to just stare at it and not doing anything else...swallow the nature and frame it in the mind forever..

Threave Castle
Along the walking route (1 mile) to Threave Castle
Somewhere in Kirkcubright...In my dream, I wish it is my house facing the river
Dundrennan Abbey
Country side on the way to Dundrennan Abbey

The journey.....
by Anggerik Merah
Sunday April 2, 2006

Progress on T & matters that affecting it:

All chapters are still have so many holes.

Behind schedule based on earlier plan.

Need to catch-up!

Why it need to have mood to do it? Just do it!

Last 3 weeks ordeal left me with step by step crawling again.

Can't force myself at that time as I had very severe mental block + burnt out

Now, the block is gone after self hypnotised & moral + spiritual support all around.

Look at it again and no clue how to continue.

Free mind, relax and focus.

It has to move now...

Smile and laugh

Previous entry pictures of my niece and my cousin's son taken almost 10 months ago. They grown up by now. These pictures are so theraupatic for me. Make me smile and laugh..

The previous entry title ( the beginning has its end...) carries several meaning at that time. Mainly thinking of saying goodbye to this blog or take a break which I can't decide at this moment. Simply because knowing the existence of blogging world on the first place and created mine is resulted from many reasons of my blogging. People that I came to know as a virtual friends and also some who are real does make a lot of impact in my day to day life. As for blogging, maybe not to leave but to take a break for a while..

Niece of mine (Marissa Atifah; my son and I were honoured to name her) might be a mirror image of me in some ways because we were born on the same day. July 23 that is. Yet to tell and its is really depend on how she will be molded to carry her character.

My mom, many times expressed to me that she observed my son so much shows his affection toward this little cousin of him. He kept on kissing her chick, cuddle her, hold her hand, feed her and share food and many things with her. This little cousin of him is also very attached to him. Never that my mom observed similar affection shown to other cousins or babies. Being alone without any sibling, my son is quite possessive. Will not tolerate sharing in some aspect.

I am so happy to hear this story from my mom. It is really a blessing. Thinking outloud from my mind, maybe he miss me too.... miss my kiss and my big hug every morning and night..before going to bed, after praying and before stepping out from home to school.

May you have a wonderful weekend...more smile and laugh...yes, I need loads of that too..

Love,

AM