Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Unspoken truth

Kak Lady, Simah, Maklang, Meandbaby, Dudae, Atenah..thanks for sharing yr strength, thought and information. I appreciate much.

I have an up and down feeling of like a surge of many thoughts lingering in my mind. A sudden urge of wanting to know and to learn more about what I had written earlier after many days of wondering thots thinking about why?, when?, how?, what?.

Difficult to describe the feeling exactly. A combination of shock, sad, happy to know the possible truth, regret, depress and also blur. At time, it really make me weak on my knees. Until I come to the sense of accepting and figure out how to react. Of course when I am alone I let go of my emotion in the midth of debating to stay positive and to accept.

My big man always said to me, ever since I was back home,…” If you are stressful, then both of us will be stressful too…”. So, I have no choice but to keep cool, compose and hide my feeling from unspoken truth. Not sure if this is good or bad for me. Maybe both!

But, the unspoken truth is... I broke down every time I am alone in the office, in the car while driving to/fro office whenever the emotion strikes me. One thing I realized that I could switch my brain quickly to a positive thinking. I don't let it drag and I refrain from talking detail about it much with friends at office as I prefer to keep my personal matters out of office. I believe, this must have been the past make me to be able to switch on and off. It is a bless in many way.

At this point, my lil man case may be considered as high-functioning AS as all his tests showed above average score and some superior score. A very fruitful discussion with psychiatrist helps to recall every single observation and behavior and how we deal with lil man in the past not knowing and understand the truth. Hence, pin-down a correct diagnosis. At this point,my lil man is given a low dosage medication to control his anxiety and there will be a follow-up activities in the next 2 weeks to improve himself.

Deep down in my heart, I found that this profession related to child development is very interesting. A very stimulating discussion we had with the psychiatrist to describe the behaviour, early development and many things which finally leads to diagnosis. But but I said to myself...it is too late to reverse my career path now. Maybe I would consider taking courses related to this area to emhance my personal knowledge or even practice it after retirement while helping to develop my lil man and many more children in the need..???

I also met and discussed lil man case, a day before meeting psychiatrist, with school counselor and also his class teachers. The school counselor will see him twice a week at school to help him overcome his problem. She seems nice, motherly and attentive lady from my first meeting her on Friday. At that time we are not in the know of AS diagnosis (The diagnosis was on Saturday when we met psychiatrist based on test/analysis done the previous week).

We were so much hope that the counselor could play active role at school to help my lil man and to be his mentor until he could gain back his enthusiasm and interest at school. Many things about school which he resists from telling us. Getting feedback from counselor at school will greatly help us. One positive encouragement for us is that our lil man realized his limitation and he is ever willing to see the counselor.

Yesterday, I had ordered these books thru Amazon after browsing internet regarding AS. Hope I could gain some insight and learn how to move ahead apart from discussing/sharing with those who experience in this (meandbaby, thanks).

Atenah, these I will have for now. But I am not sure how informative these books are.

1. Asperger Syndrome and Adolescence: Helping Preteens & Teens Get Ready for the Real World By: Teresa Bolick (Author)

2. Asperger Syndrome and Adolescence: Practical Solutions for School Success
By: Brenda Smith Myles (Author), Diane Adreon (Author)

Phew…feel good to write about it! Releasing some unspoken truth and feeling …
I got to go now..


simah said...

our prayers will always be with u.. when didu realize that something is wrong with ur lil man?

anggerik merah said...


towards end of last year that his performance at school went down badly. I had to come back before Christmas for 3 weeks just to spend time with him. And prior to that when he was still with me in Scotland back in 2005, one of the sisters doing PhD related to speech therapy pointed out some abnormality in my lil man's voice. She suggested me to bring him for therapy. And there is some other behaviour in him which beyond our understanding. Anyway, never too late..

Anonymous said...


am, you've got lots of friends. he seemed fine when i saw him but then i am an orang besi....



ruby ahmad said...

My dear Anggerek Merah,

Me too, like Simah, my prayers are with you. Be consoled that none of us are without challenge. Hang in there. I know easier said than done. I think you have won a lot letting this off your chest like this. It is such a brave act too, you know. Again please hang in there dear.

If you need just to hang out and an ear do holler.

maklang said...

InsyaAllah...there is a hikmah behind all these...My prayers are for you and your family....

Let out your feelings and do not bottle up everything....Take care...

Kak Lady said...

AM...kak lady sentiasa mendoakan agar AM akan sentiasa tabah dan menerima segalanya dengan hati yang terbuka....

Bimbing dia...dan berilah dia segala kasih sayang yang diperlukan...he needs all the support from u & your big man...

Kak lady punya sorang anak sedara...sudah berusia 13 tahun...malangnya dia tidak diberikan pendengaran...kesian...

Mujur ibunya seorang yang tabah melayan anak yg istimewa itu...sebab walaupun sudah berusia 13 tahun...dia masih berperangai seperti anak2...

NJ said...

My prayer goes to u and ur lil man AM. Hang in there.

Anonymous said...

talking might ease up some of the stress that you faces. i'll ym u my phone number. the psychiatrist that u saw is from the medical background, hence she/he favors medication for treatment. however there are many other strategies that you might want to look at. personally to me medication is the last resource though temple grandin wrote abt how medication helps her. as for lil man's anxiety, his move from the uk to msia might contribute to it also his separation from you. so there are a lot of things that need to be considered. hope i'm not bombarding you with too much info.

Anonymous said...

last resort, i mean


cikdinz said...

setiap perkara yg berlaku, ada hikmah nye....

idham said...


strength like steel - unyielding and good for making bridges and towering buildings.

strentgh like what you have within you - is a gift in itself and a living examples to so many of us on how to control our feeling through our mind.

tears shed in desperation belong to people who have given up hope.

tears shed from ur heart - are tears of love, of compassion and of a mother who knows she has to be strong for her loved lil one.

you have my prayers.


D said...

fill up the space in this blog, and InsyaAllah it'll help you feel better! (and we get a good piece of it too....). all du'as for you!

Nong said...

My doa is for you & family. For your lil man, all he needs is a hand to hold and a heart to understand his situation... He is very special.

Never give up hope as quitters never win, winners never quit.

Take care.

Lollies said...

tiada ujian diberi tanpa sebab. hugs AM.

tapi i harus sokong atenah. adakah mana mana body di Malaysia yang boleh menyokong both emotional and tips and advice. I tau autism ada.

Who knows hikmah dia is you start one yourself

demonsinme said...

Melady Red Orchid:

A gift for you,

Bag, Sack, Rack

hey there traveller vexed,
it's the only thing you can pack,
when trudgung in a world mastered by a man made of wax,
now sit is what you have to do next,
free your bag and put it in my sack,
give it to me so I can put it on my rack.

vexed traveller,
eat as I know you are haunted by hunger,
as I know every traveller is also a hunter,
looking for the mystical beast no mind can figure,
to give you strength traveling in the path of meander,
that the hunger would set you lost in anger,
and ends you as a meal cook on a sweet fire.

I know, I know it's a heavy bag,
I know, I know the content is no hag,
but you really should put it in my sack,
and you really should put it on my rack,
it would really make you relax,
and free you from the contunious vex,
I should know for I am the paver of every traveller's track.