Missing you

My lil man is still in the plane at this time. Just send him in the morning and hand-over the form and instruction, let him be with my family friend in the plane from here until KL. Then he will be handed over as travelling alone to his baba upon arriving in KLIA.

I almost lost my sense of direction walking from Terminal 3 to terminal 1. Just follow my feet and turned on the MP3 songs as loud as possible so that I could not hear any voices around me except that Arabic song which I don't understand a word. I cried a lot in the plane thinking about missing my lil man & the promises I made to him so that he would not persuade me to let him stay. Damm...it feel good to cry when nobody sees me.

Maybe I should keep my mother-son LOVE relationship just to myself instead of to the world or I should just let it out? I can't decide as I am one confuse human being at this moment. Love is beautiful and love hurt at the same time.

I wish to wake-up tomorrow morning to move on, with clear mind and looking back no more. And hoping this heart is as hard as rock.... And I also wish not to drag others to be sad like me. I don't know why my life is full of sad stories. Thanks God alot of it I had let go not long ago. Now I have my time alone for myself to finish doing what I need to do.

Thursday, June 29

My love

My love,

It is so painful to be separated again. It eating me inside very badly. No words can describe. I felt all my joins are falling apart. My heart hurt so badly. But I hope it will be only for a while then we will be together again. I have to hide my pain & tears from you. And I know how much pain you have to bear to be separated.

I love you all my heart because you are my inspiration & my energy for me to go on.

Mama

Wednesday, June 28 2006 1205

My captain Jack Sparrow

My very own captain Jack Sparrow.

He is looking forward to watch this movie. Hoping that we could both watch together here. Unfortunately the movie will not be shown until next month.

My captain Jack Sparrow collected a book with telescope, a hat, and a pair of shirt. On top of that he also collected his psp games & movies of harry potter and final fantasy.




In a few days, we will be apart again. Although we could not spend time together all the time while he was here but we do spare some precious moments together whenever we could.

My captain Jack Sparrow wishes is just to stay as a kid, not growing up.

Mama said, "it is fun to grow up. why don't you want to grow up?".
Captain asked his mama "don't you want to just be a kid?".
Mama can't argue about it. Of course it is so much fun to be a kid. No worry. No obligation.

Mama told him "no matter how old you are, you are always my baby".

Our wish if we could freeze the time and enjoy that moment before we let it keep going.

Tuesday, June 27 2006. 4:22 pm

Note:
The garbage entry was related to my decision to move ahead on my current mission. Many factors & implication need to be considered. It is not easy to decide but it has to be made and move along with guidance from HIM... we can plan but things happen for a reason or no reason. Life must go on...

Get rid garbage

I better get rid of all garbage in my mind...it is so damaging. I am not quite sure what is the best way but I will figure it out soon ... the garbage that cause my anxiety attack.

Monday June 26, 2006 10:44 am

At a split moment..

It felt so contented to hear the voice of mak this morning when she said she never forget to "dua" for me ever since I step out from the country more than 3 years ago. Ahh...my tears is running out so much as I started to write the first sentence for this entry. Ok.. lets cool down... take a deep breath.

Mak & ayah are the two person I asked if they let me go away for further studies. I rejected for the first two years of offer with one of the reasons, mak was not feeling well at that time. And she didn't want me to be far away. Ayah is always a moving forward person. He always in his own way encourage me to go far, as far as I can. I got his trait in me so much. Mak on the other hand is more of pressimistic side. I do get her trait in me also for some cases.

But Alhamdullillah I can see the changing side of mak in the last several years as I started to listen and understand her predicament. But now, mak is so much my silence strength inside me. The most contented feeling I have is knowing both of my parent coping well with their health problem and feel happy.

I do get this so called anxiety attack on and off especially while writing my T. I don't like it when it happened. At that instant I wish there is someone next to me so that I could pour out the content and the feeling of paranoid or whatever that cross my mind. But most of the time I could not get anyone. Only to HIM that I ask for help. When I gain my concious then I could move on.

It is very weird and I don't understand why I get this anxiety attack. I wish this brain of mine should just be in stable condition...Errr...I am not saying that I lost my mind ok...It is just a split moment that come and go. When this split moment happen, my self confidence drop to ground zero. I have to quickly do something to bring back my self confidence before it drag too long.

Another weird thing is that sometimes I could stand in front of people as if everything is fine with me. Denying that I am fine. The fact is that I am very selective about pouring my heart out. I don't like to talk to people who is far from experiencing what I had gone through. I would rather place my sour smile if I need to in front of this people. Only Allah knows how much pain I had to swallow inside me. One thing I realised is to cry my self out....help me a lot.

Well.. talking to myself while having a hot shower is good. Debating with myself on some decision that I have to make. Sometimes I did not realiase I had been in the shower for quite sometimes. Sipping morning hot chocholate while sitting on the stool in front of washing machine and watching the spinning of cloth do help me to think and to be relaxing too...these are some ways of my coping the anxiety attack.

Feel better now as I write this. This is just some split moment in my mind. Just ignore it.

Saturday June 24, 2006 16:20.

Jack's story

Jack Irvine is an electrician. A very nice, warm and friendly man. From the look I can guest that he is already 40 plus. When ever we met or he came to my office to test the electrical equipment for safety, we always ended up with conversation on many things. Mainly about day to day life.

I knew him ever since I am here. The group of electricians and technician here has been very wonderful. They are much specialised in their skill but they are also were friendly and warm to be with, to talk about how we see life and how we should treat our life or just how the day affected our mood. I always feel that they really appreciate my present although we don’t deal with each other every day but it is enough to feel the comfort and release to know that they understand the struggle that people like me have to go through. I don’t have to tell them the story but they can see straight from my eyes no matter how sweet smile I am trying to portray.

This morning Jack came to my office to check on safety of heater. As usual we catch-up with each other on happenings while he waited for the equipment to be tested. He was one of people here who always kept asking me to let him know when I am going back. To everyone here that touch my heart I always told them, I will not leave without saying good-bye.

Jack told me about his ex-girlfriend Ann who is half Malaysian and half English. I almost forgot about detail story. So today the story came out again. He said his ex-girlfriend is already married 4 – 5 years ago and now she already has two small kids. He believes she is still residing in Malaysia since her husband is Malaysian. I can see from his face and his eyes the frustration or sadness telling me that story although he is so much portraying his sweet smile. I just listened to him.

He told me that his mother is always cursing him for not marrying his ex-girlfriend and hence being single at this age until now. Every time he remembers Ann, at that instant also he can hear his mother’s voice kept repeating in his ears. The voice saying that he should have married that nice lady. It was really a big mistake for not doing that. He told me a story about how his mother and he met this lady during their trip on the same bus in Austria for the first time. He recalled the exact moment of love at first sight (as I concluded it). He described in detail about it and I just listened to him.

He didn’t tell me why he didn’t make a move to ask her to marry him maybe because I didn’t ask him. I felt the time is not appropriate to ask that question. I would rather let him talk freely what he wants to share with me within that short period of time. Maybe next time I ask if I had a chance to have lunch with him before I leave.

Jack said that life move on and everyone changes life and make choices of their own life. That was what happened between Ann and Him. I could not agree more to what Jack said and the same goes with me. Going back home means that a new life again after being in this environment for quite sometime.

I promise to Jack that I will try to find her if he could give her email to me. I will tell her that I met this lovely Jack here. I can see a big smile and glowing face of Jack when I offer to do that for him.

I told Jack that I need to finish my writing and honesty it is a pain in the neck for me ask I kept on feeling nothing is good enough. I can do 10 talks to replace this writing. But, hey am I out of my mind?? No way! I must write to make it a story book and then be examined. I have to be around in the office at night when my brain works the best for writing and reading. He kept on telling me not to push it too hard. But Jack,…I left myself with no choice for now. Don’t worry I still sleep and eat when needed.

That 20 minutes conversation leave me with loads of thought and some comfort to go on after I had been struggling this morning to understand some part about my work which I have difficulty to write for a long time. Maybe a good sleep will help.

Jack left me with these thots:

1) When you really love someone, the memory stays forever in your heart and it is difficult to let go.
2) Money cannot buy that personality of nice, warm, honest & down to earth. It stays with the person.
3) Friendship stays forever in the heart no matter whom you are and where you are.
4) It is not easy to find people that can understand, appreciate & accept you as you are.

Thanks Jack for being one of those wonderful friends in my life. I will always remember you.

June 20, 2006 16:46

About value

Someone forwarded this to me...thots of sharing..

A well-known speaker started off his seminar by holding up a $500/- note. Inthe room of 200.

He asked, " Who would like this 500 note? " Hands Started going up.

He said, " I am going to give this note to one of you. But first let me do this." He proceeded to crumple the note up.

He then asked, " Who still wants it? " Still the hands were up in the air.

" Well, " he replied, " What if I do this? " And he dropped it on the ground and started to grind it into the floor with his shoe. He picked it up, Now all crumpled and dirty.

" Now who still wants it? " Still the hands went into the air.

" My friends, you have all learned a very valuable lesson. No matter what I did to the money, you still wanted it because it did not decrease in value. It was still worth $ 500/-.

Many times in our lives, we are dropped, crumpled, and ground into the dirt by the decisions we make and the circumstances that come our way. We feel as though we are worthless.

But no matter what has happened or what will happen, you will never lose your value. You are special don't ever forget it!

Never let yesterday's disappointments overshadow tomorrow's dreams. "

Monday, June 19, 2006 17:04

One life One love

A daughter.
An eldest sister to one brother and one sister.
A lover.
A wife to one man.
A mother to one son.

A friend to everyone.

With one life one love.

Today (June 17) marked another milestone in this life.

We have come a long way.

When we were young we thot life was just like a bed of roses. We never knew that it was such an up and down like a wave until we went through it. Never we realised that we were different.

The difference between us is just like the sky and the earth.

But we survive. We survive for a good reason.

Let it be no ego between us

Let it be no secret between us

Let it be no barrier between us

Let it be no distance between us

Let it be sparkles in our eyes

Let it be shines on our face

Let it be loads of words & stories between us

Let it be loads of smile & laugh between us

Let it be filled with loads of happinest & love in our heart

Happy 18th anniversary to both of us...May ALLAH bless us with happier life together & forever...

Can you feel the LOVE tonite...<----- song dedicated by Lil man from Lion King Movie.

Saturday, June 17 2006.

I am fine

I felt much much better today. I have my energy and zest slowly coming back. Yesterday morning, I went to discuss with my sup to arrange for examination on my T. He said to me I look very stressful. I told him that I am better today. I don't need to explain to him more and never that I want to show sometimes I do have this feeling of just want to go away for a while and come back. But never that I want to give it up after all these years of hard work. I know I am almost there. Just that my brain & eyes just could not stir at it anymore at this time. My body is also giving a negative signal.

For the last few days, I just let the time pass and loads of sleep and walk around (i.e. tawaf kampung and campus). I see things, I observe people around me. I lepak at cafe and saw a friend. We talked for a while. All this helps to put things back in perspective. But I know I don't have the luxury of time like others at this point just to lepak and do what I like to do.

Some pics which I took around kampung & campus.

I went to pick up lil man from my friend's house and took him to shopping complex to eat, to buy PSP games, food, read and buy books at the bookstore...just do things together. I bought him a shirt (with J. D. pic) and book on Pirates of the Caribbean., dead man's chest from Disney store. He love this movie. He could not wait for the movie to be out in July.

Last night, he introduced me some characters from his current favourite animation movie...Final Fantasy VII, Advent Children. I was in his world. Trying to understand him. He was so eager to share it with me. I thought that movie is cool. Even with all animation but it appears as if it is real. It is Japanese movie. I don't understand why my lil man is so hooked to Japanese movie and stuff. I guess in his mind is so much of fantasy and imagination. At time it is difficult for me to understand and read his mind.

I bought a book for on sale on the Human body. A simple book with many pictures. The content is not only about human body as the title indicated but it encompass body systems, the brain and senses, the mind and psychology, communication, health and illness and keeping safe. Most of other books about pilate and yoga I had already collected. I have my heart on this type of books off late. Adding to my books collection.

LOVE you all..

Friday 9:39 June 16, 2006

On a fast lane

060606 set the scene on the fast lane to bring forward for the best of everything

Captured grey sky Sunset from my living room's window.

It is always in life that there will be several moment when things will go on the fast lane for whatever reason...and this time come again for me...

I am in it now and I will try to stay cool, smile and strive to accomplish what is being plan. Beyond that I leave it to HIM.

It seems that I may need to stop updating for a wee while and will be back when I am able to cope with this moving on the fast lane.

LOVE all of you and wish everyone has an enjoyable life ahead!

Saturday, 100606 9:03

About lil man...

lil man really enjoy being here especially with his best friends and he has been very understanding abt what mama needs to do.

Thanks darling...Mama love you so very much. Being able to cuddle you and kiss you every night just make me feel so contented. You bring loads of life to me. This precious short moment which I will always try to make the best of it for you and for me. *smile*

060606... the milestone ahead

Just a few minutes ago, my sup called me to inform that one of potential examiner from Europe will be here on 21 July 2006. He was asking me if I could have my draft ready. I told him that I will submit to him in by end of this month as I informed him earlier.

Now that the project meeting was over and I want to refocus back on my big T. As I mentioned to him earlier that I want to abandon some of my work plan since we did not receive certain facilities up until now. I will make do with whatever data that I have during proof of concept work. It has to be the end somewhere. I believe he got the point and he is trying hard also to help me.

He said that it will be too short a time and I might have to pressure myself loads. I said "let’s give a try to proceed with this plan". And he agreed to it. Deep in my heart I don’t want to delay any further. Too many challenges ahead which could delay this process. I could go on and be obsessed about it but I am not staying here forever.

So we agree to proceed with this plan and I know it will be very hard for me. I pray and dua so that I stay mentally and physically healthy to reach to the anti-climax of this process just like others who had gone through it earlier.

060606 the milestone ahead….

1420 Tuesday 060606

Will be here

The lil man will be here tomorrow. At this time he must have been to bed to get enough rest for a long trip alone.

Mama: Are you excited about coming here for a wee while?

Lil man: 50 – 50

Mama: Are you excited about getting in the plane tomorrow

Lil man: Very very excited

Mama: Hope you will enjoy yourself with the in-flight entertainment

Lil man: May be they don’t have too many choices for me on the game

Mama: Ok. At least you will enjoy the food such as satay. Don’t forget to brush your teeth before going to sleep. (I am thinking to myself….oh .. me turn to be worst than my mak…).
It will be very comfortable with a wider seat and I think you can make it into bed also.

Lil man: Ok

Mama: I hope you can make friend in the flight

Lil man: yup.


Tomorrow afternoon, I will be holding the card (can’t remember what is it called) looking for this lil man of mine.

May all of you have a wonderful weekend alone or with the love one..


Note: I need to change my current status of single, married but not available to single parent for the rest of the month...hehehe...;-))

Progress made:
1. recovering from flu (done with speedy recovery, maybe another 10% to go)
2. presentation on project to sponsors (done, 2 hrs continuous presentation. bravo. big smile for sponsors and other. pushing factor to get myself moving fast to complete the big T (fingers cross) provided I am mentally and physically healthy...keep smiling and laughing that is the trick! and relax)
3. final count down writing draft (on progress..can't quantify yet...sigh)
4. Pick-up lil man (in 20 hrs time)