Saturday, June 24, 2006

At a split moment..

It felt so contented to hear the voice of mak this morning when she said she never forget to "dua" for me ever since I step out from the country more than 3 years ago. Ahh...my tears is running out so much as I started to write the first sentence for this entry. Ok.. lets cool down... take a deep breath.

Mak & ayah are the two person I asked if they let me go away for further studies. I rejected for the first two years of offer with one of the reasons, mak was not feeling well at that time. And she didn't want me to be far away. Ayah is always a moving forward person. He always in his own way encourage me to go far, as far as I can. I got his trait in me so much. Mak on the other hand is more of pressimistic side. I do get her trait in me also for some cases.

But Alhamdullillah I can see the changing side of mak in the last several years as I started to listen and understand her predicament. But now, mak is so much my silence strength inside me. The most contented feeling I have is knowing both of my parent coping well with their health problem and feel happy.

I do get this so called anxiety attack on and off especially while writing my T. I don't like it when it happened. At that instant I wish there is someone next to me so that I could pour out the content and the feeling of paranoid or whatever that cross my mind. But most of the time I could not get anyone. Only to HIM that I ask for help. When I gain my concious then I could move on.

It is very weird and I don't understand why I get this anxiety attack. I wish this brain of mine should just be in stable condition...Errr...I am not saying that I lost my mind ok...It is just a split moment that come and go. When this split moment happen, my self confidence drop to ground zero. I have to quickly do something to bring back my self confidence before it drag too long.

Another weird thing is that sometimes I could stand in front of people as if everything is fine with me. Denying that I am fine. The fact is that I am very selective about pouring my heart out. I don't like to talk to people who is far from experiencing what I had gone through. I would rather place my sour smile if I need to in front of this people. Only Allah knows how much pain I had to swallow inside me. One thing I realised is to cry my self out....help me a lot.

Well.. talking to myself while having a hot shower is good. Debating with myself on some decision that I have to make. Sometimes I did not realiase I had been in the shower for quite sometimes. Sipping morning hot chocholate while sitting on the stool in front of washing machine and watching the spinning of cloth do help me to think and to be relaxing too...these are some ways of my coping the anxiety attack.

Feel better now as I write this. This is just some split moment in my mind. Just ignore it.

Saturday June 24, 2006 16:20.

12 comments:

Idham said...

aggerik:

I hope i can do justice to ur heart felt entry.
Anyone who love their mom and dad....InsyAAllah will receive protection and Blessings of Allah.
Murah rezki u nanti....
From personal experience...I wish I hv told my moms I love her more often when she was alive. I wish I have hugged her longer and warmer...
But blessed is anyone who is loved and received his / her mom's prayers.

Anxiety attacks...can be due to high expectations set for oneself.
Can also be due to negative thoughts jabbing at ur brain.
People also become anxious by idea of failing...
I hv my fair share.
The idea is to turn them into positive energy. Acknodledge the anxieties....say to urself...loudly if necessary ."ok anggerik, so i am anxious about ( whatever ), and I am going to resolve that by.....(whatever), insyAAllah God will help me".
This self acknowledgment works for me...you may want to try it ...

Good luck anggerik.

IDHAM

Kulat Bulat said...

semoga anda di beri kejayaan dunia akhirat.

kulat

anggerik merah said...

Id,

yr very meaningful comment, make me re-read my entry. It is all very true indeed what you said.

In case of yr wish..just imagine that yr mom (her soul) is listening to you when you said you love her very much.

Thanks for the tip. Surely a great help for me.:-)

Kulat,
terima kasih.

simah said...

it looks to be u r doing pretty well for someone who is alone and lonely n far from those she wants to be with..hang in there!

Nong said...

Quite often we’ll feel lost and dejected, with no one to turn to. But the virtue of life seems complicated. We have to gather our strength and get up again, and sustain.

Some how I learn that when we depend too much on someone, we will be disappointed and hurt. Because as long as they are there to hold our hand, we'll keep falling. As long as there are there to wipe our tears, we'll keep crying. You are lucky to have supportive parents.

Be strong. My doa for you always…

anggerik merah said...

simah, thanks dear. I am too tired maybe. That is why brain have this split moment.

Kak Nong, thanks dear. Again I re-read my entry. I can't say more to what you had written. I kept on falling down and standing up many times. Insyaallah, I am still standing and walking now.

Has said...

AM, ID dah beri all the positivity, don't make life more complicated, and just think how fortunate that you don't have cancer! he he scare tactic, but really having cancer had detached me from many things that had given me anxieties.

Count Byron said...

I went through it too.. when I was in your shoes.. and it can be destabilising, only that it comes intermittently.. and hopefully the periods are far in-between.
Keep your cool, for u have that strength.. and u are going to succeed gracefully. Good luck AM

sya said...

AM ... banyakkan baca surah Al Insyirah. U r not alone in this world, masih ada parents yg mendoakan, suami yg mencintai dan anak yg menyayangi.

Din Teksi said...

I guess sometimes you need to let it out ... writing it down is the best way ... good for you!

annckay said...

i feel like this sometimes..

anggerik merah said...

has,

yes, yes you are very right. Everytime this anxiety attack me, I tried to visualise hw others face their predicament. One of them is you. Replied yr email. Thanks. Looking forward to read yr book..:-)and you take care dear.

Count,
this up and down are so unpredictable, scary and etc etc..Replied yr email. Thanks very much. I have not told you the truth behind the story of the struggle here. Will do if it can't be resolved. Take care count.

sya lovely, thanks so much dear for the advice.

din teksi,

Thanks fro dropping in. I did take a pick at yr entry. Must be a good reason why you make such choice. I learn a lot abt the choice of life from teksi driver during my travelling days.

annckay dear,
sometimes it is difficult to cope. Just like come out from the dream of reality. Err..not sure what I mean by this..