It felt so contented to hear the voice of mak this morning when she said she never forget to "dua" for me ever since I step out from the country more than 3 years ago. Ahh...my tears is running out so much as I started to write the first sentence for this entry. Ok.. lets cool down... take a deep breath.
Mak & ayah are the two person I asked if they let me go away for further studies. I rejected for the first two years of offer with one of the reasons, mak was not feeling well at that time. And she didn't want me to be far away. Ayah is always a moving forward person. He always in his own way encourage me to go far, as far as I can. I got his trait in me so much. Mak on the other hand is more of pressimistic side. I do get her trait in me also for some cases.
But Alhamdullillah I can see the changing side of mak in the last several years as I started to listen and understand her predicament. But now, mak is so much my silence strength inside me. The most contented feeling I have is knowing both of my parent coping well with their health problem and feel happy.
I do get this so called anxiety attack on and off especially while writing my T. I don't like it when it happened. At that instant I wish there is someone next to me so that I could pour out the content and the feeling of paranoid or whatever that cross my mind. But most of the time I could not get anyone. Only to HIM that I ask for help. When I gain my concious then I could move on.
It is very weird and I don't understand why I get this anxiety attack. I wish this brain of mine should just be in stable condition...Errr...I am not saying that I lost my mind ok...It is just a split moment that come and go. When this split moment happen, my self confidence drop to ground zero. I have to quickly do something to bring back my self confidence before it drag too long.
Another weird thing is that sometimes I could stand in front of people as if everything is fine with me. Denying that I am fine. The fact is that I am very selective about pouring my heart out. I don't like to talk to people who is far from experiencing what I had gone through. I would rather place my sour smile if I need to in front of this people. Only Allah knows how much pain I had to swallow inside me. One thing I realised is to cry my self out....help me a lot.
Well.. talking to myself while having a hot shower is good. Debating with myself on some decision that I have to make. Sometimes I did not realiase I had been in the shower for quite sometimes. Sipping morning hot chocholate while sitting on the stool in front of washing machine and watching the spinning of cloth do help me to think and to be relaxing too...these are some ways of my coping the anxiety attack.
Feel better now as I write this. This is just some split moment in my mind. Just ignore it.
Saturday June 24, 2006 16:20.